Period, We Meet Again

I got my period this morning. For the very first time since coming off the pill 19.5 months ago, naturally for the very first time since being on the pill for 8 years. A month to the date of my surgery to remove endometriosis and have a double ovarian wedge resection. I can't believe it.

After surgery, all I've asked for is to get my period. I couldn't even dream about more than that. My hope-ometer is off the charts. I was so worried that I would continue to have amenorrhea, and I am so so happy and thankful that my period came and so quickly after surgery. It really is like the surgery reset my cycle. 

This week was a tough one for a lot of different reasons. Serious work drama, a house we wanted to rent falling through (I melted down when I told Kris Kringle what happened), and a very sad, sorrowful meltdown when we hung out with friends who brought their toddlers along on our outing unexpectedly. (I held it in until we were on our way home. I just wanted what they have so bad.)  All week I wasn't sure if I was really this upset about things or if it meant something. All week I wasn't sure if my breasts really hurt a little or if I was imagining it. Every night when charting, I counted the days past what looked like peak day, and I dared to hope.

I'm so grateful for all the extra prayers I'm receiving this month because of Adopt-a-Blogger. The surge really helped, and I can't wait to pay it forward to Miss July. Mass tomorrow will be offered up in thanksgiving for today, for all those who are praying for me, and for other women who are also post-op and waiting for their period to come.

God, You are so good to me! I can't believe it! Thank you, thank you, thank you for my awesome medical team, my healing body, and your constant presence through all of this. The look on KK's face when I told him was amazing, and we are so grateful. Every sign that my body is healing and my health is changing is noticed and appreciated. Na.Pro is truly a gift from You. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. Please pass this same blessing on to other women who are in my situation, waiting for signs that their body is on the way to a new, hopeful normal as they recover from their procedures.

Seeing Life Through IF-colored Glasses

The last week or so has been incredibly busy - a conference in Minneapolis that was great (but I didn't really get a weekend), diving back into work (and all the stress that goes with it), a true weekend with fun stuff with Kris Kringle, and a very sad, troubling conflict with my sister. I finally made it over to my blogroll yesterday and caught up on the blogs I like to follow. I read a post at Making God Laugh yesterday, and my mind was blown, seriously.

Seriously.

So polkadot's blog post was about IF in the movies, and she focused on Up and  Julie & Julia. I really liked both of those movies. She shared images and scenes from the movies, and these two were what really brought me to a new understanding of IF and how I really need to be compassionate when people who haven't experienced IF say something that hurts me.

+ 

=

As I mentioned, I've seen both of these movies and really liked them. However, I haven't seen either movie since we started experiencing IF 18 months ago. I didn't remember either of these scenes until reading the blog post yesterday. It is almost like, at the time of viewing the movies, I was fertile. Meaning, I hadn't experienced IF yet and watched the movies through the lens that children would come easily to us. Both cases of suffering related to the inability to have children were such a footnote in the plot for me that I don't even remember their significance in the story lines.

We haven't experienced the moment that the couple in Up are experiencing. We haven't suffered a miscarriage or been told we won't be able to have children on our own. My heart dropped when polkadot's blog post caused me to remember the Julie & Julia scene when Julia gets a letter that her sister is pregnant and weeps while telling her husband that's she happy. That exact scene played out for KK and me last fall when we learned that KK's brother and sister-in-law were expecting (it was a phone call, a letter would be very old-timey, no?). Only yesterday did I draw this parallel. If I saw these movies for the first time in the last 18 months, the significance of these scenes would not be lost on me, I'd probably cry along with the characters because I get it now. Holy moly, do I get it now. Mind blown.

What I'm Taking Away From This

I've joined a few Facebook groups recently for Catholics dealing with IF and Catholics practicing NFP (and successfully achieving or avoiding pregnancy). The IF group is a safe place for people to (among other things) express their grief over their IF. This often includes reactions to comments, baby announcements, etc., and the comments/announcements often come from the NFP group where pregnancy seems to happen so easily all the time (I know that's a generalization). I've even shared a few of my recent experiences, including one where a lady at a party asked me three questions in the first minute of meeting her: 1) do we have kids, 2) how long have we been married, and 3) are we going to have kids ever. Plus, the images of a positive pregnancy test from the NFP group are new to my Facebook feed, and I find myself getting irritated instantly. I'm grateful for the groups and believe there is value in having a safe space to vent about the struggles and grief of IF (hence the blog of course), but since following these groups, I feel like I am getting more sensitive to comments from people who, like me watching Up and Julie & Julia before I actually began to actively experience IF, simply don't have the same perspective of me as someone in the throes of IF, and they can't be forced to look at the world through IF-colored glasses.

I've come a long way since weeping with sadness about the news of my future niece/nephew. When we received the news that our newest family member had arrived just two weeks ago, we were excited, happy, and grateful that mama and baby were healthy. KK and I saw the first picture of the baby and genuinely smiled together, eyes shiny not because of jealousy or grief, but because God is good and gave us all this gift of this little life. I can't wait to meet him in two weeks.

So, starting now, I'm going to continue to allow myself to feel that twinge of pain in reaction to something said or something I've seen on Facebook. When I feel like it, I'll share that twinge with my Catholic IF connections on Facebook, but I won't blame that other person for their inability to see the world through IF-colored glasses. Instead, I'll say a prayer in thanksgiving for their good news or a prayer that next time such a comment, though not intended to hurt, is softened or rephrased to not be so bad. I'll also pray for the strength to let comments and situations roll off of me more often than they stick to me. And I'll be there for others who are forced to wear IF-colored glasses and comfort them when they are hurting. I doubt I will be perfect practicing this, but I'll try my very human best.

God, thank You for this mind-blowing revelation that has helped me see that those who don't suffer from IF aren't out to hurt me with their good news and comments. Help me to remember this from now on when I encounter remarks that seem insensitive and are hurtful. Help me to remember other crosses that others bear that I don't understand, and help me to chose words so that I don't communicate in ways that hurt others unintentionally and unnecessarily. For anyone experiencing the heartbreak of IF, please help them feel Your presence and find strength in You. Thank You for helping me get from weeping over the news of a new baby to rejoicing in his birth. I couldn't have done that without You. If You allow me to experience the world through parent-colored glasses someday, please don't let me forget what it's like to wear the IF-colored ones.

Miss June (Adopt-a-Blogger)

What a blessing. I have been selected as June's Blogger of the Month for the Adopt-a-Blogger Prayer Campaign, hosted by Amy at her blog, This Cross I Embrace. I can't tell you how honored and excited I am to receive the prayers of this wonderful network of faithful, kind-hearted people. The timing is really special too! Thank you to the person that nominated me, and please know that I am praying for previous Adopt-a-Bloggers and this little slice of the blogosphere that has helped me feel more hopeful and less alone on this journey.

We even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us. ~Romans 5:3-5

That was the scripture passage waiting for me when I opened my copy of Magnificat today, and it's very fitting given that I'm experiencing infertility and about to receive the prayers of this wonderful network for the month of June. This is certainly the most difficult affliction I've had to endure so far in this life. There is grace to be found here, and some days it's easier to find it than others.

I haven't always wanted to be a mother. Growing up, it was certainly part of my daydreams and imaginary play, but then I went through a "phase" where I didn't think about parenthood much. That changed when I knew I would marry my husband. I wanted the experience of parenthood with him, but we wanted it on our timeline. Unfortunately, we used hormonal birth control the first 3 years of our marriage. It still bothers me that we weren't truly introduced to NFP during our marriage prep work. We were both very ignorant about NPF and only had the unfair perception that mainstream society has about the efficacy of NFP.

About 18 months ago, we decided that we were ready to open ourselves up for parenthood, and I went off the pill. I'm still waiting to get my period 18 months later. I learned more about NFP, and we took the CCL class, but we still weren't convinced that seeing a doctor that adheres the teachings of the Church was the right move for us. However, after a terrible experience last April with an OB/GYN who refused to read my charts, put me on thyroid pills without running any tests first, and told me to come back only when I got a period, we were starving for a different approach. That's how we found our way to a Na.Pro doctor in the Kansas City area. We tried a few rounds of estradiol and progesterone to kickstart a period with no success, and I started taking T3. 

The next step in our journey was an unexpected, unbelievable job offer for me that would move us to the Omaha area. I started seeing Dr. K at PP.VI, and within 2 months of starting my relationship with her, I was put on the waiting list for a laparoscopy. I had the laparoscopy in March and received diagnoses of endometriosis and PCOD. 3 weeks ago, I had surgery to remove the endometriosis and have a double ovarian wedge resection. After over a year of losing hope because I had no answers to what was wrong, I was able to turn a corner and find comfort in having diagnoses and a treatment plan. Still waiting for that period, I'm more hopeful than ever that I will get healthier and we will be able to conceive. If we can't conceive naturally, then I pray it's in God's plan for us to become parents for a child that needs us.

I try to focus on the positive things that we've experienced on this journey. We finally understand and truly appreciate the Church's teaching about marriage and being open to life. We see children as what they truly are: gifts from God. They are not a commodity to schedule into your plans. We are amazed at how awesome a woman's body is and how practicing NFP has added so many more layers to our relationship. Like today's scripture passage, through this affliction, I have found great hope.

When you pray for me this month, please pray for continued healing and continued hope. Please pray that I am able to practice patience. Please pray that my husband and I continue to grow closer as we travel this road together. And, if you don't mind, please pray that I receive signs that my body is returning to a healthier state. I am so grateful for your prayers this month and always, and please know that I'm praying for each of you too.

God, thank you for helping me find this caring community and being selected to receive this influx of spiritual support from this group. Please keep these prayers warriors close to You. Many of these people have struggles similar to me, so please help them experience hope, peace, and closeness to You as they struggle with their own painful afflictions. Help us all to be examples to the abundant good that comes from trusting in You and laying our trials at the feet of Your Son.