Tulips & Beer

We just pulled the trigger and put a deposit down a really big, awesome vacation for next March/April: a river cruise in the Netherlands to see the tulips and visit breweries!

I am so excited, but this is bringing out mixed feelings for me.

First, I hesitated to book the trip. What if I'm pregnant by then (7 months from now)? What if I'm pregnant and sick? What if we're waiting to adopt and we get the call? What if, what if, what if?

Well, I am not going to live in the Land of What If. I refuse to stop living because parenthood is an unknown for us. Months ago, we hesitated to book a camping trip we're taking in a week because I might be pregnant by then. Well, here we are, and I'm not pregnant!

And that's the next feeling... I don't believe I will be pregnant by the time we leave for this trip. I just don't believe it. Can miracles happen in the next 7 months? Of course, I do believe in that. But it's very hard to describe how I just cannot imagine myself ever taking a pregnancy test, let alone one that reveals a positive!

And the next feeling is an awful one that I hate to admit I have. I announced our vacation on Facebook as if it were a baby announcement. No photo of a positive pregnancy test or an ultrasound, just the above field of tulips. Take that, friends with kids that can't afford the money or time for a vacation like this because of your lifestyle now! I fight feelings of sadness and jealousy every time one of you announces you're pregnant or complains about your baby exhausting you! I hope you feel a twinge of jealousy at what we get to experience that you can't because you are experiencing something we can't. Every. Single. Day.

And I hate that I feel that way. It's certain Facebook friends that know our situation and post about the trials of parenthood more than the joys that really bother me. I truly enjoy seeing photos of my friends enjoying their children and treasuring the gift. But I did enjoy feeling like I had something special for once, something others would envy. And that's just not healthy. At the end of the day, I flaunted something very material, nothing of true value or meaning. It's a hollow attempt to feel better about the void that infertility has created in my life.

And... breathe. This is going to be a special trip for us, and we are going to look forward to it and enjoy it.

God, it's exciting that we booked a really cool trip today. Thank you for the careers that allow us to afford such a special trip that will surely enrich our marriage. Please, help me to find hope. I'm really in a slump. I just can't picture us with kids, and it hurts and is very sad. Help us to stay strong together and to rely on You. I almost want to begin to ask You to lessen burden of infertility by taking away our calling to be parents. I'm starting to wonder if that's the answer and support I should be asking for. But, I'm not there yet, so please don't take that as a request!

Screw This Storm, Seriously

Can I just say that I'm so glad the 4th of July is over because that means that my neighbors who clearly don't have to wake up remotely early for anything will quit blowing up fireworks while I'm trying to sleep and be ready for work in the morning?

We met our nephew last weekend! He is wonderful. We both treasured every second and were so very happy for KK's brother and sister-in-law. They are aware of our troubles and were very supportive. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend (although I didn't get enough of the baby)!

In IF Land, here's what I've been up to.

CD 1 (June 14)

CD 24 (Today)

How cute! AF must be right around the corner for her! If that's what you're thinking, oh how I wish it were! But nope, I'm nowhere near AF, and that's why I'm in a funk. I'm better today than I was a few days ago, but this seriously bites. To get AF a month to the day after my surgery after going so long without a cycle was amazing! It felt too good to be true! Now, I feel like I dreamed it, because for the last 2+ weeks, all I've charted are a bunch of ugly, stupid, non-eventful yellow stamps after 9 days of AF. That means 1) the infertile mucus pattern continues, and 2) I haven't seen any fertile mucus this cycle, and I'm CD 26. This is a letdown. Two steps forward, two steps back.

My brain gets it. My body is still trying to find its new normal, and it's not at all uncommon for it to take months for the body to "settle down" into a pattern after a surgery like this. But it was totally mean to get a cycle so quickly and then be left hanging like this. I don't deserve this. And I can't help but ask why I'm back to my pre-op holding pattern - what was going so well those first few weeks that isn't working now?

I don't deserve this right now. The reality is that none of us dealing with IF deserve any of this. This isn't about whether or not we deserve it, but it makes it that much harder for me to handle it. Human me is searching for a cause for why this cycle is different. I review my diet, activities, stress levels, etc., and none of this adds up. Why, why, why, why, why?

Magnificat had a few nuggets of wisdom for me the other day. Specifically, the gospel on July 1 was about Jesus calming the storm, and the daily reflection by St. Pio of Pietrelcina was especially timely. "Stay in the boat in which he has placed you, and let the storm come. Long live Jesus!; you will not perish. He may sleep, but at the opportune time he will awaken to restore your calm." After meditating about that, I said to myself, "OK, God. You're in charge. I'm in this storm whether I like it or not, but You're here with me. I'm going to sit my butt back down in this boat and trust that you'll keep me safe."

What I'm really struggling with today and lately is that one can trust in Him and have faith that with God, the storm will pass, but that doesn't mean that what is ailing you will go away when you want it to, or ever. I want to be a mom, but there is no guarantee that the outcome after this storm will be parenthood. There's a difference between calm and hope. Calm during IF doesn't necessarily translate into hope during IF. I'm doing OK sitting in the boat and believe that I will survive this with God's help, but I'm not buying that being on the boat with God will lead to parenthood. And, as far as I can tell, that's absolutely correct, because no one ever promised me that I would experience parenthood. However, this reality still frickin' sucks and I hate it. There is no embracing of this cross lately, just looking at it with disgust and dragging it along because I have no other choice. I'm like the kid that was dragged to go along on errands. I have no choice, and I hate it.

God, I am sitting in the bottom of this boat with You, and I hate it. I can't help it today; I hate it. I'm glad You're here with me, I truly am, but I'm pretty pissed that this is the storm You've asked me to endure. I am sitting here with the ugliest look on my face, my arms crossed, my heart racing with anger. I don't understand why I received such a hopeful sign last month and now I'm experiencing the opposite. It feels cruel, mean, and completely unfair. What is it going to take to become a parent? I know there's no answer to that question, and that's making it worse for me right now. Please let this phase of anger and disappointment pass quickly, and help me find hope in this storm again. I know You will keep us safe and we do trust in You, but trusting in You doesn't automatically lead to parenthood. I get that, but it's a hard pill for me to swallow right now. Please dull my desire to be a parent and help me to find the beauty in this boat that I'm stuck on.

Period, We Meet Again

I got my period this morning. For the very first time since coming off the pill 19.5 months ago, naturally for the very first time since being on the pill for 8 years. A month to the date of my surgery to remove endometriosis and have a double ovarian wedge resection. I can't believe it.

After surgery, all I've asked for is to get my period. I couldn't even dream about more than that. My hope-ometer is off the charts. I was so worried that I would continue to have amenorrhea, and I am so so happy and thankful that my period came and so quickly after surgery. It really is like the surgery reset my cycle. 

This week was a tough one for a lot of different reasons. Serious work drama, a house we wanted to rent falling through (I melted down when I told Kris Kringle what happened), and a very sad, sorrowful meltdown when we hung out with friends who brought their toddlers along on our outing unexpectedly. (I held it in until we were on our way home. I just wanted what they have so bad.)  All week I wasn't sure if I was really this upset about things or if it meant something. All week I wasn't sure if my breasts really hurt a little or if I was imagining it. Every night when charting, I counted the days past what looked like peak day, and I dared to hope.

I'm so grateful for all the extra prayers I'm receiving this month because of Adopt-a-Blogger. The surge really helped, and I can't wait to pay it forward to Miss July. Mass tomorrow will be offered up in thanksgiving for today, for all those who are praying for me, and for other women who are also post-op and waiting for their period to come.

God, You are so good to me! I can't believe it! Thank you, thank you, thank you for my awesome medical team, my healing body, and your constant presence through all of this. The look on KK's face when I told him was amazing, and we are so grateful. Every sign that my body is healing and my health is changing is noticed and appreciated. Na.Pro is truly a gift from You. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. Please pass this same blessing on to other women who are in my situation, waiting for signs that their body is on the way to a new, hopeful normal as they recover from their procedures.

Seeing Life Through IF-colored Glasses

The last week or so has been incredibly busy - a conference in Minneapolis that was great (but I didn't really get a weekend), diving back into work (and all the stress that goes with it), a true weekend with fun stuff with Kris Kringle, and a very sad, troubling conflict with my sister. I finally made it over to my blogroll yesterday and caught up on the blogs I like to follow. I read a post at Making God Laugh yesterday, and my mind was blown, seriously.

Seriously.

So polkadot's blog post was about IF in the movies, and she focused on Up and  Julie & Julia. I really liked both of those movies. She shared images and scenes from the movies, and these two were what really brought me to a new understanding of IF and how I really need to be compassionate when people who haven't experienced IF say something that hurts me.

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As I mentioned, I've seen both of these movies and really liked them. However, I haven't seen either movie since we started experiencing IF 18 months ago. I didn't remember either of these scenes until reading the blog post yesterday. It is almost like, at the time of viewing the movies, I was fertile. Meaning, I hadn't experienced IF yet and watched the movies through the lens that children would come easily to us. Both cases of suffering related to the inability to have children were such a footnote in the plot for me that I don't even remember their significance in the story lines.

We haven't experienced the moment that the couple in Up are experiencing. We haven't suffered a miscarriage or been told we won't be able to have children on our own. My heart dropped when polkadot's blog post caused me to remember the Julie & Julia scene when Julia gets a letter that her sister is pregnant and weeps while telling her husband that's she happy. That exact scene played out for KK and me last fall when we learned that KK's brother and sister-in-law were expecting (it was a phone call, a letter would be very old-timey, no?). Only yesterday did I draw this parallel. If I saw these movies for the first time in the last 18 months, the significance of these scenes would not be lost on me, I'd probably cry along with the characters because I get it now. Holy moly, do I get it now. Mind blown.

What I'm Taking Away From This

I've joined a few Facebook groups recently for Catholics dealing with IF and Catholics practicing NFP (and successfully achieving or avoiding pregnancy). The IF group is a safe place for people to (among other things) express their grief over their IF. This often includes reactions to comments, baby announcements, etc., and the comments/announcements often come from the NFP group where pregnancy seems to happen so easily all the time (I know that's a generalization). I've even shared a few of my recent experiences, including one where a lady at a party asked me three questions in the first minute of meeting her: 1) do we have kids, 2) how long have we been married, and 3) are we going to have kids ever. Plus, the images of a positive pregnancy test from the NFP group are new to my Facebook feed, and I find myself getting irritated instantly. I'm grateful for the groups and believe there is value in having a safe space to vent about the struggles and grief of IF (hence the blog of course), but since following these groups, I feel like I am getting more sensitive to comments from people who, like me watching Up and Julie & Julia before I actually began to actively experience IF, simply don't have the same perspective of me as someone in the throes of IF, and they can't be forced to look at the world through IF-colored glasses.

I've come a long way since weeping with sadness about the news of my future niece/nephew. When we received the news that our newest family member had arrived just two weeks ago, we were excited, happy, and grateful that mama and baby were healthy. KK and I saw the first picture of the baby and genuinely smiled together, eyes shiny not because of jealousy or grief, but because God is good and gave us all this gift of this little life. I can't wait to meet him in two weeks.

So, starting now, I'm going to continue to allow myself to feel that twinge of pain in reaction to something said or something I've seen on Facebook. When I feel like it, I'll share that twinge with my Catholic IF connections on Facebook, but I won't blame that other person for their inability to see the world through IF-colored glasses. Instead, I'll say a prayer in thanksgiving for their good news or a prayer that next time such a comment, though not intended to hurt, is softened or rephrased to not be so bad. I'll also pray for the strength to let comments and situations roll off of me more often than they stick to me. And I'll be there for others who are forced to wear IF-colored glasses and comfort them when they are hurting. I doubt I will be perfect practicing this, but I'll try my very human best.

God, thank You for this mind-blowing revelation that has helped me see that those who don't suffer from IF aren't out to hurt me with their good news and comments. Help me to remember this from now on when I encounter remarks that seem insensitive and are hurtful. Help me to remember other crosses that others bear that I don't understand, and help me to chose words so that I don't communicate in ways that hurt others unintentionally and unnecessarily. For anyone experiencing the heartbreak of IF, please help them feel Your presence and find strength in You. Thank You for helping me get from weeping over the news of a new baby to rejoicing in his birth. I couldn't have done that without You. If You allow me to experience the world through parent-colored glasses someday, please don't let me forget what it's like to wear the IF-colored ones.

Miss June (Adopt-a-Blogger)

What a blessing. I have been selected as June's Blogger of the Month for the Adopt-a-Blogger Prayer Campaign, hosted by Amy at her blog, This Cross I Embrace. I can't tell you how honored and excited I am to receive the prayers of this wonderful network of faithful, kind-hearted people. The timing is really special too! Thank you to the person that nominated me, and please know that I am praying for previous Adopt-a-Bloggers and this little slice of the blogosphere that has helped me feel more hopeful and less alone on this journey.

We even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us. ~Romans 5:3-5

That was the scripture passage waiting for me when I opened my copy of Magnificat today, and it's very fitting given that I'm experiencing infertility and about to receive the prayers of this wonderful network for the month of June. This is certainly the most difficult affliction I've had to endure so far in this life. There is grace to be found here, and some days it's easier to find it than others.

I haven't always wanted to be a mother. Growing up, it was certainly part of my daydreams and imaginary play, but then I went through a "phase" where I didn't think about parenthood much. That changed when I knew I would marry my husband. I wanted the experience of parenthood with him, but we wanted it on our timeline. Unfortunately, we used hormonal birth control the first 3 years of our marriage. It still bothers me that we weren't truly introduced to NFP during our marriage prep work. We were both very ignorant about NPF and only had the unfair perception that mainstream society has about the efficacy of NFP.

About 18 months ago, we decided that we were ready to open ourselves up for parenthood, and I went off the pill. I'm still waiting to get my period 18 months later. I learned more about NFP, and we took the CCL class, but we still weren't convinced that seeing a doctor that adheres the teachings of the Church was the right move for us. However, after a terrible experience last April with an OB/GYN who refused to read my charts, put me on thyroid pills without running any tests first, and told me to come back only when I got a period, we were starving for a different approach. That's how we found our way to a Na.Pro doctor in the Kansas City area. We tried a few rounds of estradiol and progesterone to kickstart a period with no success, and I started taking T3. 

The next step in our journey was an unexpected, unbelievable job offer for me that would move us to the Omaha area. I started seeing Dr. K at PP.VI, and within 2 months of starting my relationship with her, I was put on the waiting list for a laparoscopy. I had the laparoscopy in March and received diagnoses of endometriosis and PCOD. 3 weeks ago, I had surgery to remove the endometriosis and have a double ovarian wedge resection. After over a year of losing hope because I had no answers to what was wrong, I was able to turn a corner and find comfort in having diagnoses and a treatment plan. Still waiting for that period, I'm more hopeful than ever that I will get healthier and we will be able to conceive. If we can't conceive naturally, then I pray it's in God's plan for us to become parents for a child that needs us.

I try to focus on the positive things that we've experienced on this journey. We finally understand and truly appreciate the Church's teaching about marriage and being open to life. We see children as what they truly are: gifts from God. They are not a commodity to schedule into your plans. We are amazed at how awesome a woman's body is and how practicing NFP has added so many more layers to our relationship. Like today's scripture passage, through this affliction, I have found great hope.

When you pray for me this month, please pray for continued healing and continued hope. Please pray that I am able to practice patience. Please pray that my husband and I continue to grow closer as we travel this road together. And, if you don't mind, please pray that I receive signs that my body is returning to a healthier state. I am so grateful for your prayers this month and always, and please know that I'm praying for each of you too.

God, thank you for helping me find this caring community and being selected to receive this influx of spiritual support from this group. Please keep these prayers warriors close to You. Many of these people have struggles similar to me, so please help them experience hope, peace, and closeness to You as they struggle with their own painful afflictions. Help us all to be examples to the abundant good that comes from trusting in You and laying our trials at the feet of Your Son.

Homewrecker

That's me. A homewrecker. Actually, Kris Kringle and I together are homewreckers. We just destroyed the beginnings of a nest for barn swallows for the second time this week. The irony of us squashing the dreams of a couple who just wants a family is not lost on me.

Photo courtesy of lisaandroger.com

Barn swallows like to build their nests on narrow ledges, and two of them decided the border around the balcony of our third floor apartments was a great spot. At first, it was cute. We'd notice them flying around and chirping to each other, but then the nest started. The bigger the nest got, the more territorial they got. We knocked it down once a few days ago (it wasn't even 10% complete), and then we had to do it again today (it was more like 15%-20% complete).

I feel like a jerk for doing it, but they made it pretty clear that we weren't going to be able to coexist out there. All we have is that that teeny little balcony for outdoor time in our apartment. They are pooping everywhere and hover like crazy if we even open the door and look outside.

After destroying the nest the first time, I immediately thought of the little bird couple who is just trying to do what they are wired to do naturally in order to have a family and be fulfilled, just like KK and me. What right do I have to go out there and tell them their plans are going to have to change? Who am I to tell that little couple that? What will this barrier to building their family do to their relationship, their existence?

Am I thinking too much about this?

Post-surgery update: I had my surgery two weeks ago today. I've been charting mostly 10C/10CK 1x-2x/day, but today and yesterday, I've experienced 10K/AD - I've never experienced that two days in a row before! KK and I decided to buy a vowel* last night, and it felt completely different, almost like how it felt when were buying vowels (ha!) for the first time and I would have a lot of fluid. We both noticed the difference. I really hope that there's something to this change in CM! I know it's really too much to hope for conceiving so quickly after surgery. I'm still sticking with the goal of just getting a period very soon, but it's so fun to think about, and a little hope never hurt anyone, right?

*Buying a vowel. I heard this term in a Facebook group. Someone's husband made a Wheel of Fortune joke related to how you chart intercourse using the Creigh.ton Model, and I absolutely loved it, surprised that my own corny husband didn't think of it first. I'm not a fan of DTD or more explicit language, so I think I just found my euphemism for, well, you know. :)

10 Days Post-op

I reread my last post just now, concerned that it would make no sense because of the narcotics I was on at the time. I'm pleasantly surprised that the post makes sense!

First, thanks to all who have kept me in their thoughts and prayers.

I'm 10 days out today, and I feel great. So great, that I'm tempted to just see what it would feel like to run down the hallway of our apartment building. More like a jog with a soft j. But don't worry; I won't.

That's probably been the hardest challenge. I feel like I'm capable of moving around, not just laying around pretty much all day, even going back to work for a half day, but thankfully, my thoughts never get far because I know I just need to rest. I have done a little light housework here in the last few days (more on that later). Let's continue this post in list style, shall we?

The Best Parts of Recovery

1. I feel like I'm "back to normal." I stopped the narcotics 3-4 days post-op, and I've been off all pain meds for 3-4 days now. Here's a pic of what my incisions looked like a week post op. I have 5 incisions all together (you can't really see the one that's on my right side).
2. I'm cautiously optimistic about what my body will do in the next 30-45 days.
3. My mom (and dad and husband) took great care of me for my first 5 days post-op.
4. I got so. Many. Flowers. And. Treatz. I got flowers from one office, a snacky gift box from another, flowers from the organization we share office space with, flowers from an organization on whose board I serve, an iTunes gift card from my mother-in-law, and a Jimmy Buffet t-shirt from my husband.
5. I am well into Season 4 of How I Met Your Mother, and I've watched tons of great movies in the past week. (Although, it was very weird when we watched Frozen followed immediately by Wolf of Wall Street.)

The Toughest Parts of Recovery

1. I still can't do much physical activity out of concern for my healing.
2. I was really hoping to see my CM dry up after surgery, but so far, I'm still charting mostly 8s and 10s like I did pre-surgery.
3. My mom took great care of me, but there were issues with my dad (who has dementia). I'm also a little bummed that my husband allowed my mother to take care of me most of the time, and I didn't see him step in and take over when she left on Monday.
4. Things that my board president was supposed to handle while I was out -shockingly- have not gotten done, and so I've found myself working on pressing work issues while I'm out. Also, people did not read the I'm on Medical Leave for Two Weeks emails that I sent out before I left and have been calling my cell phone with work-related issues. Not cool.
5. I find myself ruminating frequently about IF and our future as parents. Will this surgery work? What if it doesn't? Do I have what it takes to wait 3 months to see the doc if nothing happens? Was this all in vain?

All I can do is be very, very grateful for the surgery going as well as it did, continue to take it easy, and hope and pray for the best. That's easier said than done, but patience is a virtue, and I certainly could use the practice.