Holy moly... I haven't posted since April - crazy! I'm not sure if it's because I don't "need" this blog in the same way I've needed it in past parts of this journey, busyness, laziness, or what, but I think I'd like to share an update.

My bubbies. Operation Bubbies progresses. I'm still taking the birth control pill and domperidone. It was crazy at first how much my boobs would hurt, and I definitely noticed an increase in size. Nothing huge, but it was noticeable to me (and my husband, haha). I started taking the drugs in early May, so I'm coming up on three months on the protocol.

The good of the protocol is that I'm hopeful that it's working at some level. The feelings of tenderness and change in breast size hopefully mean that something's going on that will lead to milk production of some level when I'm ready to try.

The bad is that like my experience on Clomid and Femara, I'm not really myself. My husband said he noticed it about 6 weeks ago, and a trusted coworker also shared her observations with me. At that time, I lost the distraction of studying for a big certification exam (I passed, phew!) and probably ended up with free brain space to ruminate about adoption and infertility again. I'm not as nutty as when I was on Clomid or Femara, but even I feel like my fuse is way shorter, and things that I could normally let roll off of me are sticking, and my pissed off, sarcastic side is coming out. I'm struggling to control that and stay "myself."

Being able to try breastfeeding our future child is so important to me that I'm not willing to change or stop the protocol right now. I feel like I've come this far, why stop now? I know that is a lot to ask of my husband and others around me, but that's where I am. KK and I have been in some dark places during these weeks. Right now, we're in a good place. I just hope we can keep it that way. I feel like the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows are coming into play in a whole new way right now. I'm not "well" emotionally, and I need my husband to be there for me. But at the same time, that doesn't mean I get to be a holy terror and expect him to just deal with it. It's easier said than done, of course. I just pray for grace to stay on the protocol, be a good wife, and for there to be fruit at the end of this journey.

Another part of the bad is my weight. It's not uncommon for women on the pill or domperidone to gain weight. I consider it a double whammy to be on both at the same time. For a while there, about 6-8 weeks ago, I had gained about 5 lbs. on a long business trip. Normally a week or two of good eating (with some treats on the weekend) would get me back to normal, but not this time. I know that was affecting my self-esteem and mood too. I decided to follow an eating and exercise plan to see if I could get back down to where I felt comfortable. I'm happy to say that today is the last day of that plan (21 days long), and I know when I step on the scale tomorrow morning, I will be pleased. I just hope I can keep it off and maintain peace/control in that one area of my life.

Adoption update. There isn't one. I know that's adding to everything right now. I've had some really tough situations that I don't care to go into, but they included another round of me asking God why good news is coming to others but not us. We appear to be farther in the adoption (waiting) process, more educated on all the challenges and issues, etc., yet situations fall into the laps of others. I know that there are more to the journeys of others that I know, but it really doesn't make it any less easier on my heart.

I've also found myself focusing on the "dark side" of adoption the last several months. Adoption isn't all loveliness. There is real loss to the birth parents and to the child, and not every adoption agency or attorney in the United States facilitates adoptions in ethical ways. I found myself really listening to the stories of jaded birth parents and adoptees. I'm glad I took the time to do that, but I also don't know if that's helping me emotionally right now. Last week, I stopped following the majority of those blogs and Facebook groups because I think I was exposed to what I needed to hear, I'm taking those perspectives seriously, but it's not healthy for me to be exposing myself to that on a daily basis.

In other news... I have been able to enjoy the majority of my summer with KK. We've took a weekend getaway to South Dakota after I finished my exam, and we hope to take a weekend to Colorado and to Wisconsin to see family before the summer gets away from us. So it's not all doom and gloom in life, but doom and gloom have funny ways of overshadowing everything, even the blessings.