Sunday, July 6, 2014

Screw This Storm, Seriously

Can I just say that I'm so glad the 4th of July is over because that means that my neighbors who clearly don't have to wake up remotely early for anything will quit blowing up fireworks while I'm trying to sleep and be ready for work in the morning?

We met our nephew last weekend! He is wonderful. We both treasured every second and were so very happy for KK's brother and sister-in-law. They are aware of our troubles and were very supportive. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend (although I didn't get enough of the baby)!

In IF Land, here's what I've been up to.

CD 1 (June 14)

CD 24 (Today)

How cute! AF must be right around the corner for her! If that's what you're thinking, oh how I wish it were! But nope, I'm nowhere near AF, and that's why I'm in a funk. I'm better today than I was a few days ago, but this seriously bites. To get AF a month to the day after my surgery after going so long without a cycle was amazing! It felt too good to be true! Now, I feel like I dreamed it, because for the last 2+ weeks, all I've charted are a bunch of ugly, stupid, non-eventful yellow stamps after 9 days of AF. That means 1) the infertile mucus pattern continues, and 2) I haven't seen any fertile mucus this cycle, and I'm CD 26. This is a letdown. Two steps forward, two steps back.

My brain gets it. My body is still trying to find its new normal, and it's not at all uncommon for it to take months for the body to "settle down" into a pattern after a surgery like this. But it was totally mean to get a cycle so quickly and then be left hanging like this. I don't deserve this. And I can't help but ask why I'm back to my pre-op holding pattern - what was going so well those first few weeks that isn't working now?

I don't deserve this right now. The reality is that none of us dealing with IF deserve any of this. This isn't about whether or not we deserve it, but it makes it that much harder for me to handle it. Human me is searching for a cause for why this cycle is different. I review my diet, activities, stress levels, etc., and none of this adds up. Why, why, why, why, why?

Magnificat had a few nuggets of wisdom for me the other day. Specifically, the gospel on July 1 was about Jesus calming the storm, and the daily reflection by St. Pio of Pietrelcina was especially timely. "Stay in the boat in which he has placed you, and let the storm come. Long live Jesus!; you will not perish. He may sleep, but at the opportune time he will awaken to restore your calm." After meditating about that, I said to myself, "OK, God. You're in charge. I'm in this storm whether I like it or not, but You're here with me. I'm going to sit my butt back down in this boat and trust that you'll keep me safe."

What I'm really struggling with today and lately is that one can trust in Him and have faith that with God, the storm will pass, but that doesn't mean that what is ailing you will go away when you want it to, or ever. I want to be a mom, but there is no guarantee that the outcome after this storm will be parenthood. There's a difference between calm and hope. Calm during IF doesn't necessarily translate into hope during IF. I'm doing OK sitting in the boat and believe that I will survive this with God's help, but I'm not buying that being on the boat with God will lead to parenthood. And, as far as I can tell, that's absolutely correct, because no one ever promised me that I would experience parenthood. However, this reality still frickin' sucks and I hate it. There is no embracing of this cross lately, just looking at it with disgust and dragging it along because I have no other choice. I'm like the kid that was dragged to go along on errands. I have no choice, and I hate it.

God, I am sitting in the bottom of this boat with You, and I hate it. I can't help it today; I hate it. I'm glad You're here with me, I truly am, but I'm pretty pissed that this is the storm You've asked me to endure. I am sitting here with the ugliest look on my face, my arms crossed, my heart racing with anger. I don't understand why I received such a hopeful sign last month and now I'm experiencing the opposite. It feels cruel, mean, and completely unfair. What is it going to take to become a parent? I know there's no answer to that question, and that's making it worse for me right now. Please let this phase of anger and disappointment pass quickly, and help me find hope in this storm again. I know You will keep us safe and we do trust in You, but trusting in You doesn't automatically lead to parenthood. I get that, but it's a hard pill for me to swallow right now. Please dull my desire to be a parent and help me to find the beauty in this boat that I'm stuck on.


  1. I swear I could have written those last few paragraphs myself. That's exactly where I've been lately with this cross. Lots of anger, some ugly crying, yelling at God, unwillingly dragging the cross behind me. Not cool. Ugh. So, I'm sorry. This stinks a whole lot and I wish something could take it all away. I find what makes it the absolute worst is when I think of how all of our friends are getting pregnant around us. If I could just walk through this life with blinders on to everything happening around me, I don't think I'd be nearly as sad. Like you said, no one every promised us parenthood, but gosh, it's so hard to believe that when everyone else around us is getting the gift of parenthood. I'll be praying for you!! Sending hugs! And encouraging you to drink some wine, eat some chocolate, take a bubble bath, and watch your favorite tv shows for hours on end. You deserve it!

  2. Just waned to pop in and say that I am praying for you EXTRA and sending you hugs. I too loved that Magnificat reflection the other's amazing how God and others speak to us in the most unexpected of ways. I'm with Steph...chocolate, wine, eat, cry, TV, pray...I will be praying, too!!!

  3. I'm so sorry. Some days (most days?) it is just all but unbearable. I for one am so glad that prayers can be complaints/cries/whines/etc.! Your image of sitting at the bottom of the boat is a powerful one. Powerless, in the midst of a storm.

    Have you read "Interior Freedom" by Fr. Jacques Phillipe? It is hands down the best book I've read about suffering, ever. It's not about IF at all but it's completely applicable. He has a whole section about what it means to accept suffering: acceptance, not resignation, that kind of thing. His words are very challenging but have given me a lot of guidance and comfort.

    I hope you get a reprieve from the storm soon! A day where your heart is inexplicably light (that happens to me from time to time and I think it's a complete grace, especially when nothing around me has changed)

  4. Just keep hanging on tight in the bottom of that boat and know that God won't let you capsize. I remember being so discouraged after I thought I'd been healed of my infertility and then realizing later that I hadn't been. It really did feel like a dirty trick. But it sounds like you are on the right track and while I know it is hard to believe right at this moment, time is still on your side and I have a lot of hope for you.

  5. Praying for you. Sorry you're having a rough time over there. I laughed out loud at the Snookie GIF. I relate SO much to feeling like that. When I'm at my worst - I describe it as 'Charlie Sheen PMS'. Because it's just a trainwreck that keeps going. Oh sense of humor, what would we be without you?? <3