We just pulled the trigger and put a deposit down a really big, awesome vacation for next March/April: a river cruise in the Netherlands to see the tulips and visit breweries!
First, I hesitated to book the trip. What if I'm pregnant by then (7 months from now)? What if I'm pregnant and sick? What if we're waiting to adopt and we get the call? What if, what if, what if?
Well, I am not going to live in the Land of What If. I refuse to stop living because parenthood is an unknown for us. Months ago, we hesitated to book a camping trip we're taking in a week because I might be pregnant by then. Well, here we are, and I'm not pregnant!
And that's the next feeling... I don't believe I will be pregnant by the time we leave for this trip. I just don't believe it. Can miracles happen in the next 7 months? Of course, I do believe in that. But it's very hard to describe how I just cannot imagine myself ever taking a pregnancy test, let alone one that reveals a positive!
And the next feeling is an awful one that I hate to admit I have. I announced our vacation on Facebook as if it were a baby announcement. No photo of a positive pregnancy test or an ultrasound, just the above field of tulips. Take that, friends with kids that can't afford the money or time for a vacation like this because of your lifestyle now! I fight feelings of sadness and jealousy every time one of you announces you're pregnant or complains about your baby exhausting you! I hope you feel a twinge of jealousy at what we get to experience that you can't because you are experiencing something we can't. Every. Single. Day.
And I hate that I feel that way. It's certain Facebook friends that know our situation and post about the trials of parenthood more than the joys that really bother me. I truly enjoy seeing photos of my friends enjoying their children and treasuring the gift. But I did enjoy feeling like I had something special for once, something others would envy. And that's just not healthy. At the end of the day, I flaunted something very material, nothing of true value or meaning. It's a hollow attempt to feel better about the void that infertility has created in my life.
And... breathe. This is going to be a special trip for us, and we are going to look forward to it and enjoy it.
God, it's exciting that we booked a really cool trip today. Thank you for the careers that allow us to afford such a special trip that will surely enrich our marriage. Please, help me to find hope. I'm really in a slump. I just can't picture us with kids, and it hurts and is very sad. Help us to stay strong together and to rely on You. I almost want to begin to ask You to lessen burden of infertility by taking away our calling to be parents. I'm starting to wonder if that's the answer and support I should be asking for. But, I'm not there yet, so please don't take that as a request!