Thursday, July 17, 2014

Tulips & Beer

We just pulled the trigger and put a deposit down a really big, awesome vacation for next March/April: a river cruise in the Netherlands to see the tulips and visit breweries!
I am so excited, but this is bringing out mixed feelings for me.

First, I hesitated to book the trip. What if I'm pregnant by then (7 months from now)? What if I'm pregnant and sick? What if we're waiting to adopt and we get the call? What if, what if, what if?

Well, I am not going to live in the Land of What If. I refuse to stop living because parenthood is an unknown for us. Months ago, we hesitated to book a camping trip we're taking in a week because I might be pregnant by then. Well, here we are, and I'm not pregnant!

And that's the next feeling... I don't believe I will be pregnant by the time we leave for this trip. I just don't believe it. Can miracles happen in the next 7 months? Of course, I do believe in that. But it's very hard to describe how I just cannot imagine myself ever taking a pregnancy test, let alone one that reveals a positive!

And the next feeling is an awful one that I hate to admit I have. I announced our vacation on Facebook as if it were a baby announcement. No photo of a positive pregnancy test or an ultrasound, just the above field of tulips. Take that, friends with kids that can't afford the money or time for a vacation like this because of your lifestyle now! I fight feelings of sadness and jealousy every time one of you announces you're pregnant or complains about your baby exhausting you! I hope you feel a twinge of jealousy at what we get to experience that you can't because you are experiencing something we can't. Every. Single. Day.

And I hate that I feel that way. It's certain Facebook friends that know our situation and post about the trials of parenthood more than the joys that really bother me. I truly enjoy seeing photos of my friends enjoying their children and treasuring the gift. But I did enjoy feeling like I had something special for once, something others would envy. And that's just not healthy. At the end of the day, I flaunted something very material, nothing of true value or meaning. It's a hollow attempt to feel better about the void that infertility has created in my life.

And... breathe. This is going to be a special trip for us, and we are going to look forward to it and enjoy it.

God, it's exciting that we booked a really cool trip today. Thank you for the careers that allow us to afford such a special trip that will surely enrich our marriage. Please, help me to find hope. I'm really in a slump. I just can't picture us with kids, and it hurts and is very sad. Help us to stay strong together and to rely on You. I almost want to begin to ask You to lessen burden of infertility by taking away our calling to be parents. I'm starting to wonder if that's the answer and support I should be asking for. But, I'm not there yet, so please don't take that as a request!


  1. I'm so with you. So. with. you.

    I've said it from almost the beginning - I do not want to look back in 10 years and see the beautiful life that God laid out before me but that I missed out on because I was too busy looking at the life I wanted. It led to my running a marathon, it's led to saying "yes" to travel and all sorts of other things that I would have much easier said "no" to because of "what if...."

    With things like this, it really comes down to what is the worst thing that can happen?
    You have to cancel the trip b/c you are pregnant and not feeling well? Um. Ok.
    You go on the trip and have an amazing time? Um. Ok.
    It was that type of thinking that was a huge 'ah-ha!' moment for me. I'm so excited for you!

    Oh, and I think it's totally awesome that you announced it on Facebook :). I loved it!

    1. "I do not want to look back in 10 years and see the beautiful life that God laid out before me but that I missed out on because I was too busy looking at the life I wanted."

      Yes! Exactly! My favorite "normal" activity is training for marathons. I love it. It calms me. It motivates me. It makes me think I'm awesome and can do anything. But I can't run more than an hour at a time now because we're working on conceiving. How long do I deny myself things that are good for my soul because I'm trying to get the life I want?

  2. Just wanted to pop in and say that your trip sounds absolutely amazing. I can't WAIT to see the amazing pictures and hear all about it!!!!

  3. Absolutely you should take this trip if you can afford it and make it work! Consider it one of the perks of having infertility (who'd of thought there'd be perks, right?). We took many trips during our infertility years and I felt zero guilt. Others thought we were just jet-setting yuppies choosing to be selfish and spend our money on ourselves rather than kids but we knew better. When we finally did become parents, all the trips came to an abrupt end so now I cherish the memories of the trips we took as just a couple before the kids came. Enjoy this opportunity while you have it.

  4. Girl, I saw your post and I loved it. I didn't it was braggy or rub-it-in-your-face like at all. Actually, it just brought me great joy to see that you were headed on this awesome trip! I was (and still am) genuinely happy for you and want you to post more of the happy things going on in your life! I'm right there with you... moms get to post baby pics and pg announcements and such, so why shouldn't we post the things that make us happy right now? Also, I know exactly what you're saying about holding back on planning big things in the future when you don't know what could happen. I really like the point Rebecca made! If you have to cancel, big whoop! You'll be so elated that you're pg, it won't even matter at that point. And if you don't have to cancel, well that's AWESOME because it looks amazing. :) We can't stop living life to the fullest right now. A full life can be readjusted for baby! And, as my husband says, "If you can't be happy with the life we have right now without children, you probably won't be happy even when they do come along." I'm a work in progress, but I'm definitely trying to be as happy as can be, despite the childless thang. It makes my days WAS easier! Sure, I still have ugly days, but they're not nearly as often. Good stuff! Hugs and prayers for you!

    1. *I didn't think it was...

      *WAS = WAY

      I should proofread next time. :P

  5. I need to listen to this kind of logic and stop thinking about what will happen in 9 months and letting it dictate plans and adventures. You just gave me an idea for a blog post! :)

  6. Are you *currently* being sent into Hell forever ... automatically excommunicated (outside) of God’s Catholic Church ?

    Answer: Yes you are ... you can reverse it ... please continue.

    Council of Florence, Session 8, 22 Nov 1439 -- infallible Source of Dogma >
    "Whoever wills to be saved, before all things it is necessary that he holds the Catholic faith. Unless a person keeps this faith whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall perish eternally."

    You must believe the Catholic Dogma to be in the Church ... Dogma you have *never* seen.

    Site > ... infallible Dogma throughout.

    The Catholic Faith *is not* Bible interpretation ... it is the Catholic infallible Sources of Dogma. The Catholic Church didn’t even define the Bible’s New Testament Canon until 397 A.D. at the Council of Carthage.

    - - - -

    Can a group which enforces the opposite, the opposite, and the opposite of the Catholic unchangeable Dogma be the Catholic Church?

    No, it cannot possibly be the Catholic Church ... and promotion of the opposite of the Catholic Dogma is exactly what the vatican-2 heretic cult does ... and has been doing since it’s founding on 8 December 1965 at the Vatican.

    The vatican-2 heresy does not have the Office of the Papacy ... only the Catholic Church has the Papacy.

    The Dogma cannot “change” or be “reversed” ... God does not “change”.

    The founding documents of the vatican-2 heretic cult … the “vatican-2 council” documents … have well over 200 heresies *against* prior defined unchangeable Dogma. Every (apparent) bishop at the “council” approved the mountain of heresy, which caused their automatic excommunication, see Section 13.2 of the below site.

    - - - -

    Section 12 > Anti-Christ vatican-2 heresies (50 listed) ... followed by many Catholic corrections.

    Sections 13 and 13.1 > Photographic *proof* of heresy at the Vatican.

    Because of … the Catholic Dogma on automatic excommunication for heresy or for physical participation in a heretic cult (such as the v-2 cult) …

    … we were all placed, body and soul, *outside* of Christianity (the Catholic Church) on 8 December 1965 … the close date of the “council”.

    Section 13.2 > Catholic Dogma on automatic excommunication for heresy or participating in a heretic cult such as ... vatican-2, lutheran, methodist, evangelical, etc.

    Section 107 > St. Athanasius (died 373 A.D.) ... “Even if the Church were reduced to a handful ...” - - during the “arian” heresy ... we are there again, but worse.

    Section 13.3 > Matt 16:18, Gates of Hell scripture ... is *not* about the Office of the Papacy ... four Dogmatic Councils defined it ... that heresy will not cause the Dogma to disappear.

    Section 13.4 > The vatican-2 heretic cult does not have the Office of the Papacy only the Catholic Church has the Papacy.

    Section 13.6 > The Catholic Dogma on Jurisdiction and Automatic Excommunication for heresy define that ... God has allowed Catholic Jurisdiction ... for Mass and Confession to disappear from the world. There is no such thing as Catholic Mass outside of the Catholic Church.

    Non-Catholic heresies such as “vatican-2”, “sspx”, “sspv”, “cmri”, etc. ... do not have Catholic Mass.

    Section 19.1 > Dogma on Abjuration for *re-entering* Christianity (the Catholic Church) … after being automatically excommunicated. A Formal Abjuration is provided here also.

    Section 10.2 > Returning to a state of grace, in places and times when Confession is not available, like now.

    - - - -

    Second Council of Constantinople, 553 A.D. -- infallible Source of Dogma >
    "The heretic, even though he has not been condemned formally by any individual, in reality brings anathema on himself, having cut himself off from the way of truth by his heresy."

    Blessed John Eudes, died 1680 >
    “The greatest evil existing today is heresy, an infernal rage which hurls countless souls into eternal damnation.”

    Everything you must know, believe, and do to get to Heaven is on > >

    Our Lady of Conquest
    Pray for us

  7. Woohoo! Way to go for booking that trip! I bet it's going to be just gorgeous with all the tulips! While traveling around in Europe, my DH and I took a day trip to the Netherlands years ago, and I dragged my husband to a bunch of different windmills (after tulips, what's more Dutch than windmills?). I found a website with a map of them all. I hope you have a fabulous time! And if by chance you can't go because you're pregnant, wouldn't that be the best reason to have to cancel? :)