I turned 33 this week. In recent years, I have made little pomp around my birthday. KK always gets me something special (it was a massage this year), and my coworker and family remember in little ways, but that's about it, and I like it that way. I threw a party for myself when I turned 30 (and had two cakes!), and that was really fun, but that was for a big milestone. I even hide my birthday on Facebook because I don't care for the all the birthday wishes coming from people I barely know only because a computer prompted them to do it. I like to see who actually remembers my birthday, and I appreciate the small, intimate group of close loved ones that do.
Anyway, I spent a chunk of my birthday repeating this prayer:
God, please please PLEASE let this be my last childless birthday. Please let the waiting for parenthood be almost over. Please let me turn 34 with a sweet, beautiful baby in my arms.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Hanging Up the Hat I Never Really Put On
It's CD 94, and I just got back from seeing Dr. K., and we had "the talk." Actually, it wasn't a talk as much as it was me informing her that my goal in seeing her is no longer to get pregnant, but only to be as healthy as a girl living with PCOS can be.
Maybe that's why I've been in a funky mood the last week or so. I've know this "talk" has been coming for at least 2 months. I deliberately put off scheduling my well woman's exam because I didn't want to have "the talk," maybe.
I'm not sure when I officially stopped caring. I think it was somewhere around Nov. 16 when I had finished my first (and only) "Femara Rage" and was waiting to see if I got a period or any sort of PMS/pregnancy symptoms. None came that week, so by the time I took a pregnancy test on P+16 and it showed up negative, I wasn't even disappointed. I just knew in my heart that none of this was going to work for me, and I still feel that way now.
Two surgeries, one beautiful, natural cycle a month to the date of my last surgery, a "cycle" that seemed to have no end, and then two rounds of drugs (Clomid, Femara) that turned me into a mega bitch and never brought a period. How depressing.
One might be reading this and think that we haven't tried very hard to conceive. I can see how it looks that way. Some couples do month after month of fertility drugs, including the expensive injectables, and other couples go even further and use artificial means. This seems like giving up during a marathon at mile 5. I get that.
But it's really hard to explain how in a way, I think I always knew this wouldn't work for us. I've never had a dream that included a biological child or a viable pregnancy. The only glimpse of hope I've received this whole journey was that single period after my second surgery, and 7 months later, I've still yet to experience that again.
So while this whole time, my body's never been to a healthy enough place to actually call it "trying to conceive," I guess that is what we were trying to do, and today, I told my doc that we are done with that, at least for now.
So, obviously treatment changes. I'll continue to chart (joy), and I'll get progesterone shots every month to trigger a bleed because there's no reason to believe my body will ever do this on its own again. I'm getting choked up as I type this part because even though I think I've been in acceptance for a little while now, it still hurts to acknowledge in some concrete way -saying it, writing it- that my body is broken and will probably never be fixed.
In the PP.VI office, there are a few giant tack-boards filled with "miracle babies" - all the children conceived and born with the grace of God and the help of PP.VI. As I walked out of the office today, I acknowledged that I'll never have a baby on that wall. And even though I accept that, it still really hurts.
Am I healthier because of PP.VI? No, I don't think I am. I still can't cycle, I still can't get pregnant. But I am grateful to PP.VI because they gave me my diagnosis and almost a year of hope that we could fix me. Dr. K. didn't encourage me to give up or keep trying today, which I appreciate, as we have made our decision. There are options out there for us to keep trying to achieve pregnancy, but with us going live with our adoption profile in the next 6 weeks (God willing), we really are at peace with not continuing, at least not right now.
So, enough of the sadness, because in reality, I've been filled with the most hope related to parenthood that I've ever experienced in the last 3 months. Our home study was completed last week. We will become parents through adoption, and that excitement and joy dwarfs the pain of infertility, even on a day like today where I do feel pangs of sadness. No, my baby won't be on the PP.VI miracle wall, but my baby, our child, is out there someone. Maybe she or he is known only to God right now, maybe he or she is conceived and on their way already, but they're out there and are already more precious to us than anything. We have drastically changed our lifestyle and asked our network of friends and family to help us however they can -spiritually, emotionally, financially- to bring our baby home to us, and to be this close to really putting ourselves out there is scary and exhilarating.
So, as I hang up the TTC hat that my body never really let me put on in the first place, I snuggle up in my "adoptive parent" blanket that is warm, inviting, comforting, and full of room for my growing family.
Maybe that's why I've been in a funky mood the last week or so. I've know this "talk" has been coming for at least 2 months. I deliberately put off scheduling my well woman's exam because I didn't want to have "the talk," maybe.
I'm not sure when I officially stopped caring. I think it was somewhere around Nov. 16 when I had finished my first (and only) "Femara Rage" and was waiting to see if I got a period or any sort of PMS/pregnancy symptoms. None came that week, so by the time I took a pregnancy test on P+16 and it showed up negative, I wasn't even disappointed. I just knew in my heart that none of this was going to work for me, and I still feel that way now.
Two surgeries, one beautiful, natural cycle a month to the date of my last surgery, a "cycle" that seemed to have no end, and then two rounds of drugs (Clomid, Femara) that turned me into a mega bitch and never brought a period. How depressing.
One might be reading this and think that we haven't tried very hard to conceive. I can see how it looks that way. Some couples do month after month of fertility drugs, including the expensive injectables, and other couples go even further and use artificial means. This seems like giving up during a marathon at mile 5. I get that.
But it's really hard to explain how in a way, I think I always knew this wouldn't work for us. I've never had a dream that included a biological child or a viable pregnancy. The only glimpse of hope I've received this whole journey was that single period after my second surgery, and 7 months later, I've still yet to experience that again.
So while this whole time, my body's never been to a healthy enough place to actually call it "trying to conceive," I guess that is what we were trying to do, and today, I told my doc that we are done with that, at least for now.
So, obviously treatment changes. I'll continue to chart (joy), and I'll get progesterone shots every month to trigger a bleed because there's no reason to believe my body will ever do this on its own again. I'm getting choked up as I type this part because even though I think I've been in acceptance for a little while now, it still hurts to acknowledge in some concrete way -saying it, writing it- that my body is broken and will probably never be fixed.
In the PP.VI office, there are a few giant tack-boards filled with "miracle babies" - all the children conceived and born with the grace of God and the help of PP.VI. As I walked out of the office today, I acknowledged that I'll never have a baby on that wall. And even though I accept that, it still really hurts.
Am I healthier because of PP.VI? No, I don't think I am. I still can't cycle, I still can't get pregnant. But I am grateful to PP.VI because they gave me my diagnosis and almost a year of hope that we could fix me. Dr. K. didn't encourage me to give up or keep trying today, which I appreciate, as we have made our decision. There are options out there for us to keep trying to achieve pregnancy, but with us going live with our adoption profile in the next 6 weeks (God willing), we really are at peace with not continuing, at least not right now.
So, enough of the sadness, because in reality, I've been filled with the most hope related to parenthood that I've ever experienced in the last 3 months. Our home study was completed last week. We will become parents through adoption, and that excitement and joy dwarfs the pain of infertility, even on a day like today where I do feel pangs of sadness. No, my baby won't be on the PP.VI miracle wall, but my baby, our child, is out there someone. Maybe she or he is known only to God right now, maybe he or she is conceived and on their way already, but they're out there and are already more precious to us than anything. We have drastically changed our lifestyle and asked our network of friends and family to help us however they can -spiritually, emotionally, financially- to bring our baby home to us, and to be this close to really putting ourselves out there is scary and exhilarating.
So, as I hang up the TTC hat that my body never really let me put on in the first place, I snuggle up in my "adoptive parent" blanket that is warm, inviting, comforting, and full of room for my growing family.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Where Have I Been?
It's been a bit since I posted. I haven't really been around here much, as I've placed my energy elsewhere lately.
My health. Taking that darn antibiotic for 21 days to treat my TEBB sucked! We had bad breath non-stop, and Kris Kringle had bad digestive issues. Hopefully, that did the trick for with the TEBB. I took a round of progesterone shots to start a cycle, and then I took my first round of Femara on CD 3. I was hellacious on it - several fights with KK that were just ridiculous. I was in rare form, and it was awful. I had a pretty decent round of fertile CM, no random bleeding like last cycle, but here it is, P+22 (CD 40-something, 50-something?) with no AF. I took a pregnancy test on P+16 and it was negative (naturally, I had no hope for anything else because I had 0 symptoms).
So, I was supposed to let the doctor's office know where I was at this Monday to probably get a pregnancy test (ha) and start another round of progesterone, but right now, I'm just waiting until mid-December. We have other stuff to focus on right now, and I really don't want to be on crazy fertility drugs during the holiday season. I'm due for my well-woman's visit in mid-December, so I think I'll take that opportunity to talk to Dr. K about where we are with TTC and how we can continue to work on my health without focusing on TTC anymore.
Adoption. We took a big step yesterday on Thanksgiving and announced our adoption plans to the world through Facebook. We made a cute little video that we posted after a week of teasers that we had a big announcement. Some folks made a few comments about it being a pregnancy, which we sort of asked for in a way, but all but one of them really had no idea we were struggling with IF. The wave of love that came from our networks when we released the video was incredible! There was tons of support and few folks let us know how adoption was a part of their story - we had no idea! If you would like to follow our journey on Facebook and our other blog that reveals our identities, please send an email to half.full.of.grace@gmail.com (remove all the dots before the @). I would like to keep this blog somewhat anonymous.
We have our last home study visit on Monday, and once all our background checks come back, we'll be done with that important step. Then, our agency needs to review the home study, and we have to get a few more references in order to comply with other states' requirements. We aren't sure when we'll go live, but we're hoping for February.
One thing that will impact how quickly we can go live is how well we can save money in the next few months. We put our house in the Kansas City area back on the market in early October. We've had a lot of showings and finally had a second showing (our first one) earlier this week. We are praying to St. Joseph to intercede and help us sell the house. If we can't get it sold or rented, we will be paying rent in Nebraska and a mortgage, and our adoption saving will pretty much grind to a halt.
It's funny how because adoption has become our new hope and our new focus, IF isn't bothering me a ton right now. Sure, I've had "flare ups" of emotion here and there (a "friend" who knows about our struggles told me in a very insensitive way that they are pregnant through IVF and I didn't take that very well), but all in all, the home study process and designing our new blog has really shifted my energy to a different process, a different journey. We know this path will be challenging and rewarding in its own, unique way, and we truly believe God has brought us here. This is our fiat, and we're going to try our best to embrace it.
My health. Taking that darn antibiotic for 21 days to treat my TEBB sucked! We had bad breath non-stop, and Kris Kringle had bad digestive issues. Hopefully, that did the trick for with the TEBB. I took a round of progesterone shots to start a cycle, and then I took my first round of Femara on CD 3. I was hellacious on it - several fights with KK that were just ridiculous. I was in rare form, and it was awful. I had a pretty decent round of fertile CM, no random bleeding like last cycle, but here it is, P+22 (CD 40-something, 50-something?) with no AF. I took a pregnancy test on P+16 and it was negative (naturally, I had no hope for anything else because I had 0 symptoms).
So, I was supposed to let the doctor's office know where I was at this Monday to probably get a pregnancy test (ha) and start another round of progesterone, but right now, I'm just waiting until mid-December. We have other stuff to focus on right now, and I really don't want to be on crazy fertility drugs during the holiday season. I'm due for my well-woman's visit in mid-December, so I think I'll take that opportunity to talk to Dr. K about where we are with TTC and how we can continue to work on my health without focusing on TTC anymore.
Adoption. We took a big step yesterday on Thanksgiving and announced our adoption plans to the world through Facebook. We made a cute little video that we posted after a week of teasers that we had a big announcement. Some folks made a few comments about it being a pregnancy, which we sort of asked for in a way, but all but one of them really had no idea we were struggling with IF. The wave of love that came from our networks when we released the video was incredible! There was tons of support and few folks let us know how adoption was a part of their story - we had no idea! If you would like to follow our journey on Facebook and our other blog that reveals our identities, please send an email to half.full.of.grace@gmail.com (remove all the dots before the @). I would like to keep this blog somewhat anonymous.
We have our last home study visit on Monday, and once all our background checks come back, we'll be done with that important step. Then, our agency needs to review the home study, and we have to get a few more references in order to comply with other states' requirements. We aren't sure when we'll go live, but we're hoping for February.
One thing that will impact how quickly we can go live is how well we can save money in the next few months. We put our house in the Kansas City area back on the market in early October. We've had a lot of showings and finally had a second showing (our first one) earlier this week. We are praying to St. Joseph to intercede and help us sell the house. If we can't get it sold or rented, we will be paying rent in Nebraska and a mortgage, and our adoption saving will pretty much grind to a halt.
It's funny how because adoption has become our new hope and our new focus, IF isn't bothering me a ton right now. Sure, I've had "flare ups" of emotion here and there (a "friend" who knows about our struggles told me in a very insensitive way that they are pregnant through IVF and I didn't take that very well), but all in all, the home study process and designing our new blog has really shifted my energy to a different process, a different journey. We know this path will be challenging and rewarding in its own, unique way, and we truly believe God has brought us here. This is our fiat, and we're going to try our best to embrace it.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Remember how excited I was to enter into my first two week wait? Yeah... denied again. I started bleeding on CD 5, and I had a good 7 days of red stamps - most days were barely there brown spotting. Great. So I waited a few more days after that, took a pregnancy test at P+14 just to be sure (negative, duh), then sent in my chart. Here's what happened/is happened (note from the doctor):
Your progesterone is less than 0.20 and estradiol is 3.1. Dr recommend to do progesterone 100mg (2ml) intramuscular shots every 3 days for 3 doses. The progesterone shots will help induce a menses. Dr recommends next cycle to stop clomid and take Letrozole instead 25mg (10 tablets) on cycle day 3. Regarding having period shortly after peak day, Dr states hard to know, possibly drop in estrogen. Regarding the brown spotting, it can be inflammation, may be due to chronic endometritis (infection in uterus) Recommends Biaxin 500mg twice daily for you and your husband for 21 days with probiotic.
Great... so obviously I didn't respond well to Clomid. I took my third progesterone shot 2 days ago, and KK and I are about a week into our nasty antibiotic adventure: bad breath, digestive issues, zits everywhere, etc. KK is taking this especially hard, since he has not done much medically on this journey (other then the semen analysis and taking vitamins). Emotions were heightened around this a few days ago, and we had to take a big step back and remember that being with each other is more important than conceiving or becoming parents. So, we're in a good place with it all now, but it is always work to keep it a good place.
So yup... still haven't had a two week wait. Seriously, who are we kidding? Two years into this, and never a healthy cycle that gave us reason to hope. I'm fine with continuing with doctor's recommendations for now, because hopefully it will lead to a healthier me. But, I'm all about the adoption process now.
Adoption. That is where I find hope - real hope - in becoming a parent. It's so exciting to know that our birth parents already exist and already need our prayers, and it's also very exciting to think that the child we'll be selected to raise could already be conceived! That this might be our last holidays without a child gives me goosebumps. Our first home study visit is in two days - just two weeks after turning in our application! I am beyond excited, and so is KK. That we are on the same page and 100% into the adoption process makes me very happy. But the stress that comes along with all of this is tough, too.
Also, we put our house in Missouri on the market again in hopes that we can sell it! We couldn't sell it when we moved last year and have it rented out through November. We have no intention of buying another house in the future (we rent now), so we would use some of the money from the sale for our adoption costs.
God, please grant KK and me patience and understanding with each other during this adoption process. Help us to remember that parenthood isn't for us if we can't be good to each other. Please bless our social worker and help her to see how genuine our intentions are and how good of parents we will be. Bless our future child's birth parents, and if the little one is already conceived, please keep him or her healthy and safe.
St. Joseph, I'm sorry we buried a little statue of you last year and never dug you back up. Please intercede for us and help this house get sold!
Your progesterone is less than 0.20 and estradiol is 3.1. Dr recommend to do progesterone 100mg (2ml) intramuscular shots every 3 days for 3 doses. The progesterone shots will help induce a menses. Dr recommends next cycle to stop clomid and take Letrozole instead 25mg (10 tablets) on cycle day 3. Regarding having period shortly after peak day, Dr states hard to know, possibly drop in estrogen. Regarding the brown spotting, it can be inflammation, may be due to chronic endometritis (infection in uterus) Recommends Biaxin 500mg twice daily for you and your husband for 21 days with probiotic.
Great... so obviously I didn't respond well to Clomid. I took my third progesterone shot 2 days ago, and KK and I are about a week into our nasty antibiotic adventure: bad breath, digestive issues, zits everywhere, etc. KK is taking this especially hard, since he has not done much medically on this journey (other then the semen analysis and taking vitamins). Emotions were heightened around this a few days ago, and we had to take a big step back and remember that being with each other is more important than conceiving or becoming parents. So, we're in a good place with it all now, but it is always work to keep it a good place.
So yup... still haven't had a two week wait. Seriously, who are we kidding? Two years into this, and never a healthy cycle that gave us reason to hope. I'm fine with continuing with doctor's recommendations for now, because hopefully it will lead to a healthier me. But, I'm all about the adoption process now.
Adoption. That is where I find hope - real hope - in becoming a parent. It's so exciting to know that our birth parents already exist and already need our prayers, and it's also very exciting to think that the child we'll be selected to raise could already be conceived! That this might be our last holidays without a child gives me goosebumps. Our first home study visit is in two days - just two weeks after turning in our application! I am beyond excited, and so is KK. That we are on the same page and 100% into the adoption process makes me very happy. But the stress that comes along with all of this is tough, too.
Also, we put our house in Missouri on the market again in hopes that we can sell it! We couldn't sell it when we moved last year and have it rented out through November. We have no intention of buying another house in the future (we rent now), so we would use some of the money from the sale for our adoption costs.
God, please grant KK and me patience and understanding with each other during this adoption process. Help us to remember that parenthood isn't for us if we can't be good to each other. Please bless our social worker and help her to see how genuine our intentions are and how good of parents we will be. Bless our future child's birth parents, and if the little one is already conceived, please keep him or her healthy and safe.
St. Joseph, I'm sorry we buried a little statue of you last year and never dug you back up. Please intercede for us and help this house get sold!
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Welcome to Holland
Have you heard the story Welcome to Holland? It's about giving birth to a special needs child. You thought you'd have an average "healthy" baby, or you were planning on taking a trip to beautiful Venice. You didn't plan on having a special needs child, or "going to Holland," but once you're there, it is absolutely beautiful, and there's nowhere else you'd rather be. That's the gist of it.
So, I think we're on our way to Holland, in more ways than one. Yes, we have this super-awesome-gonna-be-amazing trip planned for late March, but we've also officially "bought" our tickets for a different sort of trip - we're adopting! Yes, for sure. Yes, we're excited. And in no way does this feel like a runner up choice to pregnancy. It feels like we're about to go on an amazing trip! Is it Venice, no. But it's Holland, and it's going to be amazing, and now that we're at this part of the journey, I almost can't imagine going anywhere but Holland. I think I want Venice because everyone goes to Venice. You're supposed to go to Venice. And maybe we'll go someday, and that would be thrilling. But I'm just as excited to go to Holland, because I'm pretty sure we'll actually make it there, and the ultimate result, the chance to be parents together, is what it's all about for us.
So, the next steps are to apply for the home study (we are going with a national agency) and work with the agency on our profile and questionnaire. We're no longer nervous to discuss what sorts of special needs and medical histories we would be open to because, thanks to this great book, we are no longer afraid of the special circumstances that come with adoption. Would we get to pick/choose what sort of biological child we could have? No, absolutely not, but with adoption, it is a necessary part of the process to decide what you are and are not open to, and it's best for all involved that adoptive families prayerfully consider what they believe they can handle at this point in their lives.
What's probably most exciting for me right now is that the home study agency has no wait list, so the only thing keeping us from setting up the visits is turning in the application! We'll do that this weekend, so we actually might have a completed home study by the holidays, go live with our profile right after the holidays, and we might be parents by Christmas 2015! I know there are plenty of variables that could get in the way, but this is the most hopeful I've been about parenthood in a long time, so I'm enjoying it.
Cycle update. I don't really know what's happening. My FCP didn't return my call until 5 days after I started bleeding on CD 5 (I haven't called her back). I had heavier red spotting on CDs 5-7, and then on CDs 8-11, I had very light, brown spotting. I don't think it was AF because I had no symptoms of cramping, sore breasts, etc. So, if I make it to Friday, CD 14, with no AF, I'll take a test on Saturday morning, and if it's negative (which I'm expecting), I'll send my chart in to the doc on Monday and see what they say.
So, I think we're on our way to Holland, in more ways than one. Yes, we have this super-awesome-gonna-be-amazing trip planned for late March, but we've also officially "bought" our tickets for a different sort of trip - we're adopting! Yes, for sure. Yes, we're excited. And in no way does this feel like a runner up choice to pregnancy. It feels like we're about to go on an amazing trip! Is it Venice, no. But it's Holland, and it's going to be amazing, and now that we're at this part of the journey, I almost can't imagine going anywhere but Holland. I think I want Venice because everyone goes to Venice. You're supposed to go to Venice. And maybe we'll go someday, and that would be thrilling. But I'm just as excited to go to Holland, because I'm pretty sure we'll actually make it there, and the ultimate result, the chance to be parents together, is what it's all about for us.
So, the next steps are to apply for the home study (we are going with a national agency) and work with the agency on our profile and questionnaire. We're no longer nervous to discuss what sorts of special needs and medical histories we would be open to because, thanks to this great book, we are no longer afraid of the special circumstances that come with adoption. Would we get to pick/choose what sort of biological child we could have? No, absolutely not, but with adoption, it is a necessary part of the process to decide what you are and are not open to, and it's best for all involved that adoptive families prayerfully consider what they believe they can handle at this point in their lives.
What's probably most exciting for me right now is that the home study agency has no wait list, so the only thing keeping us from setting up the visits is turning in the application! We'll do that this weekend, so we actually might have a completed home study by the holidays, go live with our profile right after the holidays, and we might be parents by Christmas 2015! I know there are plenty of variables that could get in the way, but this is the most hopeful I've been about parenthood in a long time, so I'm enjoying it.
Cycle update. I don't really know what's happening. My FCP didn't return my call until 5 days after I started bleeding on CD 5 (I haven't called her back). I had heavier red spotting on CDs 5-7, and then on CDs 8-11, I had very light, brown spotting. I don't think it was AF because I had no symptoms of cramping, sore breasts, etc. So, if I make it to Friday, CD 14, with no AF, I'll take a test on Saturday morning, and if it's negative (which I'm expecting), I'll send my chart in to the doc on Monday and see what they say.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Not Funny/Helpful, God
Today was awful. Awfully exciting. Excitingly awful. Such a mix over here..
Remember how I promised not to Google pregnancy symptoms?
I still haven't! :) However, despite my best efforts to NOT FREAK OUT during this TWW, it's already happened. And I'm only on CD 5.
Everything was going along fine until I met up with a peer this morning (we'll call her Pam). Pam actually has two miracle babies that are all grown up thanks to Dr. Hil.gers and Na.Pro all those years ago. God definitely had a hand in us realizing this common thread pretty early after I moved to the area last year. Pam knows about our struggles, my surgeries, etc. After a meeting we were both at this morning, she asked me how I was feeling. I spoke to her in general terms (it wasn't really the time to get into details) that slowly but surely I think I'm getting healthier, and we're hopeful (I didn't mention our adoption plans).
"Well, you are glowing!" Pam gushed. "I mean seriously, I thought you were going to tell me that you were expecting. I can sense these things and I thought for sure..."
"Who knows?" I responded. "Maybe in 10 days or so we'll have something to celebrate, but for now, I'm just happy to be on the road to better health."
I should also mention that Pam saw me six days ago and did not notice any glowing.
So, that happened. Why would such a nugget, such a comment, after almost two years of someone never saying that to me or suspect that I was expecting saying it now, during my first real TWW, the first time that pregnancy is a real possibility? It doesn't seem fair.
I go to the bathroom, wipe, check my toilet paper like a good Cr.eighton user, and the CM has a red tinge to it. I wipe again, and there is blood. Like, a blob of it (ew gross, I know, sorry!). Then my heart just explodes. What on earth is this? Could this be implantation bleeding? What the actual...?
I run to my coworker's office and shut the door (she is an amazing friend too). I spill all of this on her. She gets teary, and we just don't know what to say or do. She asks if we can pray together (which we hadn't done before, but we both know the other is a faithful person), so we do, and she gives up to God the most wonderful prayer. I wish I had recorded it. She did such a great job of asking God to give us hope but to also protect us at the same time and to trust in His plan and His will, whatever it may be. All I could add at the end was a choked up "Amen" and thanked God for her as a friend.
So, all of that happened. And my trusty group of fellow Catholic IF sisters on Facebook quickly came to my aid when I gushed all of this on Facebook. Someone Googled implantation bleeding for me, and it is possible. Someone else mentioned that on Clomid, mid-cycle bleeding can happen, and many hopes had been raised when it was just Clomid doing crazy things.
So... did I have a moment/20 minutes today where I thought, finally, this could be happening to us? Absolutely. But I've calmed down a little bit. I quickly Googled "Clomid bleeding" and found a little bit of anecdotal stuff (old message board posts and the like) that said that it's also very possible that the bleeding is from Clomid. So that grounded me a little. But then I had to call my BFF (has a 6 week old after a year and a half of IF and Clomid) to fill her in, and she said she was getting goosebumps and was excited for us! But she was also understanding of my need to protect my heart, and she reminded me that no matter what the outcome of this cycle is, it will hopefully be a cycle, and that is progress. She is so right.
So, here I type with a heart open and hopeful that these signs mean something, but I think I'm going to bed with a realistic outlook that these signs mostly likely do not point to pregnancy, and I'm OK with that. The bleeding has continued (I am using a pad currently), but it's not exactly a flow either, so who knows.
If I start getting more signs, I don't know if I can handle it, and I can't help but question God why I would have to experience all of this today and maybe more in the next few days. What good comes out such an exercise?
I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...
God, please don't play with my heart any more this cycle. Today was too much. I really am trying to play it cool and not freak out about this first TWW. Please give me at least one cycle where I don't get my hopes up and lose realistic expectations. I'm still praying for patience, peace, and a new cycle where we can hopefully get me healthier. I don't understand why I would be given signs that make my heart explode like today. What good is to come of that? Why do I need to experience that? Please protect my heart; don't let me expose it to unnecessary disappointment, especially when I'm trying to keep a level head. (Of course, if Your will this cycle is a pregnancy, then THY WILL BE DONE! But please, if that is not Your will, spare my heart.)
Remember how I promised not to Google pregnancy symptoms?
I still haven't! :) However, despite my best efforts to NOT FREAK OUT during this TWW, it's already happened. And I'm only on CD 5.
Everything was going along fine until I met up with a peer this morning (we'll call her Pam). Pam actually has two miracle babies that are all grown up thanks to Dr. Hil.gers and Na.Pro all those years ago. God definitely had a hand in us realizing this common thread pretty early after I moved to the area last year. Pam knows about our struggles, my surgeries, etc. After a meeting we were both at this morning, she asked me how I was feeling. I spoke to her in general terms (it wasn't really the time to get into details) that slowly but surely I think I'm getting healthier, and we're hopeful (I didn't mention our adoption plans).
"Well, you are glowing!" Pam gushed. "I mean seriously, I thought you were going to tell me that you were expecting. I can sense these things and I thought for sure..."
"Who knows?" I responded. "Maybe in 10 days or so we'll have something to celebrate, but for now, I'm just happy to be on the road to better health."
I should also mention that Pam saw me six days ago and did not notice any glowing.
So, that happened. Why would such a nugget, such a comment, after almost two years of someone never saying that to me or suspect that I was expecting saying it now, during my first real TWW, the first time that pregnancy is a real possibility? It doesn't seem fair.
I go to the bathroom, wipe, check my toilet paper like a good Cr.eighton user, and the CM has a red tinge to it. I wipe again, and there is blood. Like, a blob of it (ew gross, I know, sorry!). Then my heart just explodes. What on earth is this? Could this be implantation bleeding? What the actual...?
I run to my coworker's office and shut the door (she is an amazing friend too). I spill all of this on her. She gets teary, and we just don't know what to say or do. She asks if we can pray together (which we hadn't done before, but we both know the other is a faithful person), so we do, and she gives up to God the most wonderful prayer. I wish I had recorded it. She did such a great job of asking God to give us hope but to also protect us at the same time and to trust in His plan and His will, whatever it may be. All I could add at the end was a choked up "Amen" and thanked God for her as a friend.
So, all of that happened. And my trusty group of fellow Catholic IF sisters on Facebook quickly came to my aid when I gushed all of this on Facebook. Someone Googled implantation bleeding for me, and it is possible. Someone else mentioned that on Clomid, mid-cycle bleeding can happen, and many hopes had been raised when it was just Clomid doing crazy things.
So... did I have a moment/20 minutes today where I thought, finally, this could be happening to us? Absolutely. But I've calmed down a little bit. I quickly Googled "Clomid bleeding" and found a little bit of anecdotal stuff (old message board posts and the like) that said that it's also very possible that the bleeding is from Clomid. So that grounded me a little. But then I had to call my BFF (has a 6 week old after a year and a half of IF and Clomid) to fill her in, and she said she was getting goosebumps and was excited for us! But she was also understanding of my need to protect my heart, and she reminded me that no matter what the outcome of this cycle is, it will hopefully be a cycle, and that is progress. She is so right.
So, here I type with a heart open and hopeful that these signs mean something, but I think I'm going to bed with a realistic outlook that these signs mostly likely do not point to pregnancy, and I'm OK with that. The bleeding has continued (I am using a pad currently), but it's not exactly a flow either, so who knows.
If I start getting more signs, I don't know if I can handle it, and I can't help but question God why I would have to experience all of this today and maybe more in the next few days. What good comes out such an exercise?
I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...
- Google pregnancy symptoms
Switch up my eating/drinking patterns- Take a pregnancy test
- Be upset when AF arrives
- Lose hope that God might have something miraculous up his sleeve this month
God, please don't play with my heart any more this cycle. Today was too much. I really am trying to play it cool and not freak out about this first TWW. Please give me at least one cycle where I don't get my hopes up and lose realistic expectations. I'm still praying for patience, peace, and a new cycle where we can hopefully get me healthier. I don't understand why I would be given signs that make my heart explode like today. What good is to come of that? Why do I need to experience that? Please protect my heart; don't let me expose it to unnecessary disappointment, especially when I'm trying to keep a level head. (Of course, if Your will this cycle is a pregnancy, then THY WILL BE DONE! But please, if that is not Your will, spare my heart.)
Monday, September 15, 2014
My First Two Week Wait
So, the Clomid appears to be working, as I had several days of really great CM last week. Timing intercourse? Not a problem! It looks like Friday was my peak day, so I'll go in this Friday for my first "real" P+7 blood draw. (I went in once in August for a P+7, but I really didn't have a build up of fertile CM, and it wasn't really a peak day.)
While I still just want to have a cycle, I can't help but hope a little that maybe we'll be one of those (annoying) couples who have the story that "once we started Clomid, we got pregnant right away." And while I think it's good to have that sort of hope, I'm well aware from the blogs of all my IF sisters that TWWs are dangerous, and I need to be very careful.
I don't mean that my IF sisters have not been careful - quite the opposite! I've read a lot of posts about all the symptoms they experienced. They had every reason to believe that it was really happening to them, finally. I've also read the after-posts when it didn't happen, and it just breaks my heart for them every time. I'm so worried that I will be the same as them (why wouldn't I be?), and I just want to protect my heart.
I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...
While I still just want to have a cycle, I can't help but hope a little that maybe we'll be one of those (annoying) couples who have the story that "once we started Clomid, we got pregnant right away." And while I think it's good to have that sort of hope, I'm well aware from the blogs of all my IF sisters that TWWs are dangerous, and I need to be very careful.
I don't mean that my IF sisters have not been careful - quite the opposite! I've read a lot of posts about all the symptoms they experienced. They had every reason to believe that it was really happening to them, finally. I've also read the after-posts when it didn't happen, and it just breaks my heart for them every time. I'm so worried that I will be the same as them (why wouldn't I be?), and I just want to protect my heart.
I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...
- Google pregnancy symptoms
- Switch up my eating/drinking patterns
- Take a pregnancy test
- Be upset when AF arrives
- Lose hope that God might have something miraculous up his sleeve this month.
I simply have had too much medical challenge up to this point for Clomid to be the last missing piece. I know that in my brain. My heart can't help but dream and hope that this part of the journey is almost over. And, it still might be almost over. I'd consider a healthy pregnancy in the next six months as "almost over."
Anyway, I enter this TWW with one foot in the "hoping for pregnancy" area and the other in the "hoping for AF" area. We'll see how good I am at actually guarding this heart of mine.
God, this TWW thing is new to me this month! Thank You for allowing us to get this far... things like AF and TWWs are parts of the IF journey that I haven't really experienced so far. I trust in You, and I know You can do great things. You know our hearts and our intentions. Please help us feel Your presence during these next 10-14 days and rejoice in whatever outcome awaits us this cycle. Please comfort my sisters in IF who are hurting so deeply this week because of this cross of IF and the pain that comes with it. Mary, my advocate and best friend, be with me and my sisters in IF this week and always.
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