Where Does This Journey Really Start?

I wrote this post (and a few others) while on a plane 3.28.14.

9:36 AM

Still on that flight! I’m on a roll, baby!

*Let’s start at the very beginning…*

So what is the “very beginning” for a woman experiencing infertility? Is it the moment she was created with all her DNA, which surely plays some role in this journey for many of us? Is it when she hits puberty and her hormones start working (or not working the way they’re supposed to)? I imagine it’s different and yet the same for many of us.

So just a few minutes ago, while writing that outline of my story, I realize that my story starts way before I learned I was going to run the NYC Marathon. Today, right now, I feel like it all really started when I last decided to go back on the pill, around age 23/24 , about 8 or 9 years ago. I was married at the time (to someone else) and in a very different place spiritually and morally. I had been on the pill for most of college, and it was “great.” I went off of it and had no problem with my period returning. I never tracked the regularity of my period, so from what I can tell, I never really had any symptoms of anything being awry before I went back on the pill around 2005.

This was one of the unhealthiest times of my, I now realize. I had been smoking for about 6 years (a wonderful idea when you’re on birth control), I was allergic to exercise, I had no relationship with God (at least, I wasn't reciprocating), and I was in a marriage that started under pretenses that I can’t identify with now. The marriage was already on its way to a firey, painful finish, but I had no clue at the time. I was living in the present, in the moment, with no real ambition to anything more than feel good from day-to-day. I had no concept of truly being a responsible adult that plans for the future, is smart with money, and seeks long-term stability.

So with all of this going on (and being largely ignorant of what a poor situation this was for me), I went back on the pill. I really think that decision to back on the pill was when this journey of infertility started. The decision was an uninformed one, I now realize. I’m not sure how 2005-me would have accepted the “whole story” of the pill at the time. I’ve never been an advocate for terminating pregnancy, but I simply saw the pill and contraception as ways to prevent pregnancy, which was A-OK for me morally at the time. I didn’t know that sometimes the pill masks problem that women are having with hormones and fertility. I didn’t know about the true gift that Theology of the Body is to a married couple.

I try not to waste too much time anymore wishing I could go back in time and have a heart-to-heart with 2005-me. I really don’t think I would have listened, and I probably would have flipped today-me the double bird. I do regret decisions made during that time, but I have the gift of time to see how that really misguided time in my life brought me to my current life. There are so many wonderful things about my life that wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t gone through all of that stuff. Most importantly, I’m healthier spiritually, as well as physically. I have a wonderful husband (Kris Kringle) who is on the same page as I am, and we really make each other better and draw each other closer to God. I wouldn’t trade anything for these gifts, even my infertility.

God, thank You for the gifts of hindsight and forgiveness. I appreciate the ability to forgive myself for past decisions and to learn from them. The gifts in my current situation are plentiful, and I am so grateful for where I am in life, really. Thank You for welcoming me back like a Prodigal Son and keeping me close to You always. Please help me to continue to draw strength, grace, and peace from Your presence in my life and the lives of those I love. Please share strength, grace, and peace with whomever is reading this.

Timeline of My Infertility (So Far!)

I wrote this post (and a few others) while on a plane 3.28.14.

9:20 AM

I’m still on that plane somewhere over the Midwest. I’m on a roll with my thoughts, so I figured I’d just keep writing and worry about setting up the blog and posting all of these later. Since I’m just now starting to blog even though I’ve been on this journey for over a year, I thought I’d make a timeline of what I consider to be milestones as a way to quickly summarize where I’ve been but also to refer to so I can record my emotions around each milestone at a later time.

March 2012 – I get into the New York City Marathon

October 2012 – I stop taking birth control pills.

November 2012 – My grandmother passes away.

December 2012 – I start to realize something isn’t right with my body. I reach out to my sister. Sister introduces me to the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. My mind is blown about how much I don’t know about my body!

February 2013 – First doctor’s appointment with blood work and first round of progesterone. We start Couple-to-Couple League classes to learn a 2nd version of NFP.

April 2013 – New doctor = fail. We find a whole new understanding of Theology of the Body and how we want to approach this thanks to CCL.

May 2013 – Another new doctor – this one’s trained in NaPro!

June/July 2013 – Another marathon, an unexpected job search.

August 2013 – A big move, a new job, a disappointing ultrasound, hope with thyroid medication.

September-December 2013 – The Darkest Days. Finding PPVI, the Creighton Model, the most hopeless I’ve ever felt.

3^rd Sunday of Advent 2013 – Hope. A new perspective, sudden peace. Anticipation for good things to come.

December 2013 – I finally start getting answers through PPVI's bloodwork and ultrasound.

March 2014 – Surgery. More answers. A real plan!

I’m so glad I’m writing this down. I’m foggy on some of the dates already! The dates aren’t so important, but I really do want a decent record of this time in my life. I blogged pretty seriously in college, when LiveJournal was king and blogging wasn’t “cool” or very accepted yet. I actually deleted that blog because I decided I didn’t want a log of that time in my life anymore. I was in a different place spiritually and morally then. Now that it’s been a few years since I deleted it, there are times when I wish I hadn’t. I think any record of how you saw the world and dealt with the good, bad, and ugly is worth having. At least that’s how I feel about it today.

God, thank You for the ability to track this experience in a way that I can keep and share. I am very grateful for where I am spiritually today. Please keep me close to you and allow me to feel Your presence and Your love, and please do the same for anyone reading this.

My Showstopping Husband

I can't keep secrets from my husband or lie to him.

I was supposed to fly back home Thursday night. I was SO excited to get to the airport and get on my way to see my guy! However, after some troubles checking in and the ticket lady doing some digging around, she said, "Oh honey, your flight left at 6 AM this morning! You booked an AM flight, not a PM." I felt like a such an idiot! Luckily it got sorted out without too much hassle, and I sent my husband a text that my flight was cancelled. But, once we were on the phone and he asked, "Canceled, huh? What on earth happened?" I had to come clean.

So, knowing that he'd find out out about this blog sooner or later (I'd leave it up on the computer or something eventually), I told him last night that I decided to start a blog, and I'm writing it for me and other ladies dealing with infertility. He was cool with it last night, but this morning he shared that he's worried I'll share stuff on here and not with him. "We're a team, don't forget that."

So, I assured him that I won't do that, and we have a very strong relationship where I really do feel like I can talk to him about anything. Because of how the Creighton Model is designed, he's very involved in everything. His favorite parts of the Creighton Model are 1) marking I for intercourse, 2) the "dancing baby stickers," and 3) yelling "Bear down!" from the bedroom to me in the bathroom as I check my CM for the last time before sleep.

His beard grew out a bit more while I was gone, and I joked that he looked like Kris Kringle, so that's what I'll call him on my blog. He really is my showstopper - he is always surprising me and blowing me away with what a good person he is and how good we are for each other. So far, this journey of infertility has brought us closer together, and our perspectives have changed together. We were married in the Catholic Church 3 years ago. Kris Kringle was raised a in a Protestant religion and converted to Catholicism 2 years ago (at the Easter Vigil). It was so cool to be his sponsor. NFP and Theology of the Body were never part of our marriage "training," and we both had perceptions grossly misinformed by mainstream culture. We are so blessed to both have come around to the teachings of the Church to help us through this process. If one of us had latched on to the Church's teachings and the other had not, this would have been so much more difficult. Our FertilityCare teacher has shared stories of this not always being the case, and I really can't imagine how much harder this would be if Kris Kringle and I were on different pages.

Anyway, that's my guy, and I love him so, so much. As much as we want to be parents, we already have a life that is full of so many blessings. Sometimes we lose sight of that, but we try to help each other remember when it gets tough.

God, thank You for Kris Kringle. I hope that me calling him that makes You giggle a little, especially since I'm writing it out in prayer to You. Thank You for the gift of mostly understanding how our little couple fits into the big picture of creating life (at least for right now) and serving You here on earth. Please help other couples dealing with infertility to recognize the gifts they have in each other, and please strengthen their relationships during this difficult journey.

Insert creative title for first post here

9:04 A.M.

I’m up in the air, on a flight from Houston to Omaha. I was away on a work trip this week. Work trips tend to have the same flow to them for me. I am busy, busy, busy with meetings and people all day. Then, I enjoy happy hour and maybe a decent dinner, either solo or as part of a meeting or event. Rarely do I go out after dinner or a reception. Instead, I go back to my hotel room at a decent hour with every intention of winding down and going to bed. I might stay up and do a little work on my computer, but I generally slide into bed with plenty of time to get a full night of sleep. However, the combination of mindless TV shows and the glow of my tablet keep me up as I play games or read.

This trip, I found myself visiting blogs by women experiencing infertility and leaning on God to deal with the burden of it all. I am particularly drawn to the stories of other women like me – trying to trust in the bigger picture of this struggle, clinging to the calling of parenthood, but ultimately trusting that God’s will is where they need to place their trust. I’m not finding enough stories about ladies like me, so I’ve decided to add my story to the Internet. I’d like to have a blog for my own benefit, but if from time-to-time, a similar soul finds my story, reads a post, and finds some comfort or hope, then I would be very pleased to pass along the support that several brave women are giving to me during this tough time in my life.

I’ve been on this tangled path of infertility full of different terrains for almost a year and a half. My heart goes out to those that have been on the path longer than I, and I also feel for those in their first days of realizing that something simply isn’t as it’s supposed to be. While I’ve found great moments of peace and grace in this journey, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, and I do pray that God’s will includes some sort of end or closure to this path. Although I know there are people struggling with much heavier crosses than this that I can’t begin to imagine and never want to experience, I’m human, and issues that are out of my control and cause discomfort of any sort are to be avoided in my nature (heck, our nature!).

So, here I am, and here is my blog about being a Catholic woman who is experiencing infertility. Thanks for stopping by.

God, thanks for the ability to put my thoughts into words in a way that helps me find peace. Thank You for inspiring other women to share their stories and give me comfort during this difficult period in my life. Thank You for the incredible support You give me through Your presence in my life in countless ways, especially through my amazing husband and family. Please help me to continue to find peace by trusting in You and appreciating all the beautiful blessings I currently have in my life, with my faith being the most precious. Please allow anyone reading this to feel Your love too.