Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Why (Not) Me?

Dear God, I know it's unusual for me to start with a prayer, but my heart is hurting so much and I just want to shout from the edge of the world to You: WHY? Why me? Why us? Why must we carry this cross? Why can't it be us that has the blessing of pregnancy? Why can't we glorify You through parenthood? What am I supposed to learn from this that I haven't already?

That about sums me up lately. Let's see... today is CD 53, and it's Yellow Stamp City, population me. That means I have seen absolutely no change in my cervical mucus this entire cycle. You know that great 80's hit, Opposites Attract? I'm Paula Abdul, and my reproductive system is that gross, weird cat that makes a mess, smokes, and steals the covers.
Two steps forward, two steps back. (Only when we get together, it DOES NOT seem to work out.)
There's so much I've been wanting to blog about and just haven't because life. Here they are in bullet form.
  • I surprised Kris Kringle with tickets to Paul McCartney. I made it a treasure hunt. He woke up to clues and had to find the tickets. He found the tickets in a book of Sir Paul's poetry/lyrics with a letter telling him that our reality is really tough in so many ways, but for one night, let's celebrate that we aren't parents and can purchase tickets and take off for some fun on a whim. Paul McCartney is an amazing performer, and I was blown away by how many songs of his were played in 3 hours that have impacted my life in profound ways. (Fun Fact: A pianist played Let It Be during our wedding when we presented flowers to The Virgin.) It was a wonderful night, and KK was very touched. If you have the chance to see Sir Paul, RUN! Get tickets NOW! The man was incredible and didn't quit for 3 hours.
  • We had an incredible vacation that included the wedding of my best friend from high school on Madeline Island in Lake Superior (gorgeous, so happy for him), a SERIOUS canoe trip through the Boundary Waters Canoe Area in Northern Minnesota (SERIOUS = peeing in the woods, no charting and no civilization for 4 days), an overnight in Grand Marais, MN (cute!), and an overnight in Duluth, MN (always fun). I really hope I write a nice post about this someday because it was wonderful, I have great photos, and it would be nice to post about non-IF things sometimes.
  • We had a meeting with an adoption agency 3 weeks ago. At the time, we felt overwhelmed and not ready to add that mess of no control to our lives. During vacation, KK shared with me that his heart is prepared and ready for an adopted child, no matter what happens with our fertility issues. I cried with joy that we were on the same page, because I feel like my heart has prepared a spot for an adopted child too, no matter what. It felt like we crossed from trying to get pregnant to trying to become parents, and I welcome the uncertainty of that journey because -well- we're already on a journey of uncertainly with pregnancy, why not throw a few more logs on the fire?
  • I'll be 3 months post-op next week. I'm hoping I can remember to try to get into my doc and get some answers since SUPER AWESOME MEGA PERIOD came almost two months ago and I'm stuck with a whole bunch of hopeless pre-op yellow stamp bull honkey. I did cry a ton today because I am beyond overwhelmed with work (yes, I've only been back from vacation two days), but maybe that means AF is on her way (doubt it).
  • I'm preparing to consecrate myself to Mary this month. I've prepared once before, but I didn't go through with it because it felt like such a big commitment, and I wasn't sure if I could honor it. It's also been a little tough preparing with vacation and distractions, but I feel like I'm still on track. I'm hopeful that I will indeed give Mary my heart later this month and use weekly time with the Holy Eucharist to renew my commitment on a regular basis.
Clearly, I'm in this weird space of using humor to express my pain. I'm really in pain, even though we recently discerned the call to adopt, which is very wonderful, exciting news. I'm hurting. I'm this really awful place of, "Why do I care? What does it matter? Screw parenthood. I'm not deserving. It will never happen. Might as well get used to a life without children. No need to get hopes up; they will come crashing down soon; God makes certain of that."

And also, just a general but heartfelt thank you to those who have left comments on my blog. I do read them, appreciate them, and find comfort and strength in them. I try my best to return the support and strength, in comments and in prayers. Finding a community through this blog and some Facebook groups has really helped me, and I'm grateful for virtual yet genuine friendships.

God, thanks for helping me remember through writing this post that I do have things to look forward to and be grateful for: the exploration of adoption, a visit with my doctor soon, and opportunities to connect with my spouse. I hurt, I really do. Help to me to "trade hearts" with Mary as I prepare for consecration: help me to give her my heart and happily accept hers so that I am brought closer to You. Please help this new relationship and commitment to Our Lady calm my hurt and ease this burden.


  1. I'm so sorry that this has been such a difficult season, but so glad to hear that you guys are moving forward with adoption! Also glad to hear that you are moving forward with your Consecration. I felt the same way you did when I started--I even asked a priest in Confession if it was okay to go through with it, even though I "wasn't sure if I was ready." He told me that the desire to consecrate myself was a pure one, and that HE felt the same way before his ordination! That was so interesting for me to hear. He said to go forward and not be afraid, and I did, and it has certainly brought me peace. I pray it brings you peace as well :)

  2. I hear ya. Every. single. word. Why me? And Why do I care? - I can't even tell you how many times I have asked myself those questions in the past month.

    Praying for you my friend.

  3. My heart soared to hear that you are seriously considering adoption, and especially to hear that KK was on board as much as you. It is a big leap of faith and takes some discernment, but if you feel that calling, trust that it is from God and He will lead you through it. There will be obstacles and some discouragement but in the end, it will be worth it. I'm so glad you are sharing your journey with the rest of us and am sure that our blessed mother will send you her peace.
    And, congrats on having some fun in the meantime! Before our parenthood prayer was answered, my husband and I spent a week vacationing in the Duluth, MN area and loved it. While I certainly am content to be more homebound now, I really miss the days when we could take trips like that. It is good that you are making time to have fun together.

  4. IF is so tough. And so hard to understand why. Its been five years and still hard. Thats exciting about adoption!!!!...it took me awhilr to get on the same page as my beautiful hearted hubby. Your vacation sounds lovely, ive been wanting to get to Grand Marais and Madeline Island someday.

  5. I'm so sorry it's been a rough go lately. Ugh. My heart hurts for you guys. IF just sucks, through and through. And that's why I started the Little Happies link up and try to count my blessings, because honestly, it's the only thing that gets me through the day-to-day. Sounds like you have had some fantastic stuff going on. We saw Sir Paul last year and he was amazing!!! So happy you got to see him. SO GOOD! And that trip sounds like it was fantastic, although a bit too SERIOUS for me. Haha. Also, that's great adoption news!! Very excited to see where that takes you!! While IF mostly just sucks all the time, and adoption can be a crazy emotional ride too, it's at least way more hopeful than IF. With IF, you never know if you'll become parents, but with adoption, there's a much higher chance you will! All very exciting. :) Prayers for you on this journey!! And I hope AF shows up soon!

  6. I'm sorry you've been hurting so much lately. Yellow stamp city doesn't sound like much fun. :( I hope your cycle gets back on track soon! I'm no spiritual expert or anything, but do you think it makes sense that if you're thinking about starting the adoption process (which is awesome btw!) and you're doing the consecration that the enemy would do everything to try to dissuade you or take away your enthusiasm? IF is hard enough, and the temptations we face just make it harder. I think we've all had thoughts like that though (well, at least I have). Praying for you!