Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Not Funny/Helpful, God

Today was awful. Awfully exciting. Excitingly awful. Such a mix over here..

Remember how I promised not to Google pregnancy symptoms?

I still haven't! :) However, despite my best efforts to NOT FREAK OUT during this TWW, it's already happened. And I'm only on CD 5.

Everything was going along fine until I met up with a peer this morning (we'll call her Pam). Pam actually has two miracle babies that are all grown up thanks to Dr. Hil.gers and Na.Pro all those years ago. God definitely had a hand in us realizing this common thread pretty early after I moved to the area last year. Pam knows about our struggles, my surgeries, etc. After a meeting we were both at this morning, she asked me how I was feeling. I spoke to her in general terms (it wasn't really the time to get into details) that slowly but surely I think I'm getting healthier, and we're hopeful (I didn't mention our adoption plans).

"Well, you are glowing!" Pam gushed. "I mean seriously, I thought you were going to tell me that you were expecting. I can sense these things and I thought for sure..."

"Who knows?" I responded. "Maybe in 10 days or so we'll have something to celebrate, but for now, I'm just happy to be on the road to better health."

I should also mention that Pam saw me six days ago and did not notice any glowing.

So, that happened. Why would such a nugget, such a comment, after almost two years of someone never saying that to me or suspect that I was expecting saying it now, during my first real TWW, the first time that pregnancy is a real possibility? It doesn't seem fair.

I go to the bathroom, wipe, check my toilet paper like a good Cr.eighton user, and the CM has a red tinge to it. I wipe again, and there is blood. Like, a blob of it (ew gross, I know, sorry!). Then my heart just explodes. What on earth is this? Could this be implantation bleeding? What the actual...?

I run to my coworker's office and shut the door (she is an amazing friend too). I spill all of this on her. She gets teary, and we just don't know what to say or do. She asks if we can pray together (which we hadn't done before, but we both know the other is a faithful person), so we do, and she gives up to God the most wonderful prayer. I wish I had recorded it. She did such a great job of asking God to give us hope but to also protect us at the same time and to trust in His plan and His will, whatever it may be. All I could add at the end was a choked up "Amen" and thanked God for her as a friend.

So, all of that happened. And my trusty group of fellow Catholic IF sisters on Facebook quickly came to my aid when I gushed all of this on Facebook. Someone Googled implantation bleeding for me, and it is possible. Someone else mentioned that on Clomid, mid-cycle bleeding can happen, and many hopes had been raised when it was just Clomid doing crazy things.

So... did I have a moment/20 minutes today where I thought, finally, this could be happening to us? Absolutely. But I've calmed down a little bit. I quickly Googled "Clomid bleeding" and found a little bit of anecdotal stuff (old message board posts and the like) that said that it's also very possible that the bleeding is from Clomid. So that grounded me a little. But then I had to call my BFF (has a 6 week old after a year and a half of IF and Clomid) to fill her in, and she said she was getting goosebumps and was excited for us! But she was also understanding of my need to protect my heart, and she reminded me that no matter what the outcome of this cycle is, it will hopefully be a cycle, and that is progress. She is so right.

So, here I type with a heart open and hopeful that these signs mean something, but I think I'm going to bed with a realistic outlook that these signs mostly likely do not point to pregnancy, and I'm OK with that. The bleeding has continued (I am using a pad currently), but it's not exactly a flow either, so who knows.

If I start getting more signs, I don't know if I can handle it, and I can't help but question God why I would have to experience all of this today and maybe more in the next few days. What good comes out such an exercise?

I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...

  1. Google pregnancy symptoms
  2. Switch up my eating/drinking patterns
  3. Take a pregnancy test
  4. Be upset when AF arrives
  5. Lose hope that God might have something miraculous up his sleeve this month

God, please don't play with my heart any more this cycle. Today was too much. I really am trying to play it cool and not freak out about this first TWW. Please give me at least one cycle where I don't get my hopes up and lose realistic expectations. I'm still praying for patience, peace, and a new cycle where we can hopefully get me healthier. I don't understand why I would be given signs that make my heart explode like today. What good is to come of that? Why do I need to experience that? Please protect my heart; don't let me expose it to unnecessary disappointment, especially when I'm trying to keep a level head. (Of course, if Your will this cycle is a pregnancy, then THY WILL BE DONE! But please, if that is not Your will, spare my heart.)


  1. Oh Chella, I am praying extra hard for you this week!!! Clomid is such a tricky little devil, but miracles can and DO happen. I probably shouldn't even share this with you, but the only cycle I had any bleeding on Clomid (out of the 3 rounds I did) was the cycle I conceived. BUT I guess I should follow by also saying that all 3 cycles had me thinking I was PG due to all of the pregnancy symptoms that the drug mimics. It is so hard to know, and really we can't know until we POAS...still, I am holding out hope for you. Guarding your heart is so important and wise, but don't be afraid to hope, too. PRAYING!!!

  2. Ah I'm totally here with you. Also on my TWW, though I'm not sure if I even ovulated (the doctor will tell me today). I always start spotting on P+8/9 or earlier, but I'm P+10 with no spotting yet. It most likely means my progesterone levels are finally getting better, but a little part of me can't help but hope it means something else. But I know what always happens when I get my hopes up :(. Its so hard! Just gotta keep praying!

  3. Oh goodness. The TWW is hard enough without all these curve balls! For me, distraction and physical activity was always my best defense. I only did Clomid for 2 cycles and can't recall any bleeding but I do recall feeling completely unlike myself. Hang in there.

  4. 2WWs are so hard. But I'm really cognizant of how 'left out' I would feel if I never even got the chance for one. I'm hanging onto that thought right now (or trying to) because clomid has made a ridiculous mess of my cycle. All that said, this is not my drug. We know that now after months and months of it destroying my hormones and making a hot mess of my cycles. It sounds like you might be having the opposite experience. Congrats on the positive movement in the right direction. I know all-too-well how it feels to not want to hope for too much....just to have it creep in and make you scared because your heart is five times its normal size and you are hoping for the moon!! You are so smart to stay focused on this being a step in the direction of healthy cycling.

    And also - how can I not say this?! - awesome job on not googling pregnancy symptoms. I don't know where you got that will power over there, but it's impressive!! :)