The Swim Test

Kris Kringle and I finally did The Swim Test. You know, that super fun semen analysis that all the cool kids are doing!

My Na.pro doctor recommended we do this after my last surgery, but because of logistics, we didn't get around to doing it until this week. The results have to make it to a lab within 30 minutes, and because of a really crappy experience when KK tried to get a SA done when we lived in Missouri, we didn't want to have the sample tested anywhere other than where PPVI recommended. Since our town is 30+ minutes from the preferred Omaha lab, we had to rent a hotel room and coordinate our work schedules so we could do the deed and get the sample in.

The condom-like collection device was so uncomfortable - I felt a little scratched up afterward. It was a small ordeal to get everything ready - we didn't want to mess anything up! KK drove us to the lab while I held the sample in the cup under my armpit. We got there in within 10 minutes of the sample being collected - not bad!

So at the lab, I tell the receptionist that we have a semen sample, and it's time sensitive. I know she would know this because this isn't the lab's first semen rodeo, but this was so important to us, I didn't want anything to go wrong. She kind of cut me off and told us to fill out paperwork - no greeting, just business. After we told her what time the sample was collected, she told us to put the sample (in a little white paper bag) in this little tray on the table. Near the tray, I found this hilarious fake flower display that begged me to take its pathetic picture.

Clearly someone had tried to use her fake flowers as a pen before. She has taken such care to prevent an another accidental this-flower-isn't-a-pen debacle. Why not place this somewhere else than exactly where one of those flower/pen pots would be in any other office?

After we paid for the test ($50, not bad!), she told us that they should be able to get the results to the doctor's office the next day. Right around then, it hit me that we might get news very soon that this cross is going to get even heavier. I said a prayer very quickly for God to please spare us from new disappointment and heartache associated with the results of this test.



I really dislike how this infertility journey has changed me from assuming good until proven otherwise to assuming bad until proven otherwise. Instead of thinking, "KK's semen is awesome, there's no need to worry," it is now, "KK's semen might be messed up too... I'm not letting myself think positive until I know there's something to be positive about."

As we left the lab, our sample was still waiting in the little tray on the counter. It was about 17 minutes old at that point - not bad! But, it felt like I was leaving a child at daycare, only I was very scared that the daycare would not take good care of my child. I know that sounds crazy, but I would have felt so comforted to see someone pick up the sample and take it away from the lobby. It just made me feel worse in the moment.

Back in the car, I asked KK to pray with me, and together we prayed that God not allow male infertility to be added to our cross. There are ways to improve male infertility, we know, but we are just fine with our plates full of booger-like endometriosis all over me and ovaries the size of golf balls, thanks.

My prayers have been very Matthew 26:39 lately, "My father, if it possible, let this cup pass me by. Nevertheless, let it be as you, not I, would have it." I have a hard time figuring out if I truly believe the last part, but I do believe it's part of the human condition to question yourself and your ability to trust in God. I'll deal with that part as it comes or as I have to, I suppose.

God, please please PLEASE, let the cup of male infertility pass us by. This cross is already very heavy, and I believe our hearts would break under more weight. Still, we trust in You, and we know that You are there to help us carry this load, even if it does get heavier according to your will.

Infertility Unawareness Week

If it weren't for other bloggers, I wouldn't know that this is Infertility Awareness Week. What is the single bravest thing with the most impact I could do this week? "Come out" to my Facebook friends, all 600+ of them. But I won't. I just can't do it. Here are my reasons:

1. I'm not in this alone, and there's no way my husband would go for it.
2. We haven't even told everyone in his family what we're truly experiencing.
3. I don't want the ignorant comments that I'm sure I will get.
4. I'm still not convinced that this is a cross I need to carry publicly. It's one thing to let close friends and family (even coworkers) know that you are dealing with infertility, but to blab it to people I haven't really talked to since grade school seems like too much for me.

I certainly feel called to be an advocate for NFP and want others to know that infertility is real and affects so many couples, but I'm just not there yet. Maybe someday I'll be ready to tell my story in a public way, but certainly not right now. I guess this blog is the closest I will get to that for a while.

How about you? How "public" are you with your infertility story? Where are your boundaries? Do we have a responsibility to be public with our stories?

The Peace of Holy Week

I've had a pretty great Holy Week so far. Lots of peace, clarity, and connectivity with God. I made a point to get to Mass every day this week, and I really think it's made a difference in how I'm feeling.

No.tre Dame is beautiful. I checked the weather this week, and the forecast made me think it was going to be cold and dreary here the whole time, but so far, it has been amazing. Today was perfect weather for a little run around the lakes, and while the flowers weren't in full bloom, there were little hints of spring everywhere - tulip shoots, tiny buds on trees, baby geese.


I've had two especially special spiritual moments on campus so far. The first one was during the Tennebrae service on Thursday night. At ND, the Basilica has a spiral candelabra of seven candles. The music was incredible. One by one, between prayers and sung Lamentations of Jeremiah, the candles were extinguished until the candle at the very top of the candelabra was the only one left. All lights in the Basicila went dark except for the one candle. While we all kneeled, the candle was carried out of the church to symbolize Christ dying. In the the pitch black, someone made a loud BANG!, and that was the cue to pound against the pew in front of us with all our might. The sound was amazing - it truly sounded like the earth quaking, symbolizing Christ's death. Then, after about a minute of pounding, we stopped, and the candle slowly made its way back to the altar and the candelabra. Low lights came up, and we departed in silence.

The experience itself is always very special, but this time, it was extraordinary. As the candle was being carried out of the church, I imagined all my pain and heartache around infertility leaving this earth with Christ. When the BANG! happened, I pounded on the pew in front of me with such passion and imagined myself pounding my infertility to a pulp. I hit it so hard for that minute, over and over, that my hands were aching! I'm pretty sure I was the one that didn't realize no one else was pounding anymore and gave the very last BANG! Then, as the candle representing Christ reentered the church, I imagined Christ carrying in answers, peace, and some sort of end to this journey that made sense. It was simply awesome.


The second especially special moment involved these three beauties. There is a really cool life-sized crucifixion scene in the woods at ND as part of Stations of the Cross. I laid these three flowers at the feet of Mary and prayed three very special prayers. The red rose is for healing for KK and me with our infertility. The yellow rose is for healing for all the other couples experiencing infertility. And that little baby pink rose is for Baby Rebecca that passed away this week. (When I picked out the flower colors, I had no idea which one would be for which intention. When the florist picked out that teeny-weeny little pink rose, I knew that one was Rebecca's.) I have struggled with feeling close to Our Lady for a while, and I felt like today was a great day to reconnect with her. With very different sorrow related to motherhood, there is common ground with Mary, especially when contemplating the Passion of Christ.

Another cool thing about celebrating the Triduum and Easter at ND is the Easter Vigil and all the young people that join the Catholic Church that evening. From what I can tell, I will witness over a dozen people become Catholics tomorrow night, and it's always so inspiring to see adults choosing Christ and the Catholic Faith.

God, thank You for such a special, peaceful Holy Week so far. I always feel at home here at ND. Help me to feel close to Mary again. Please fill all Catechumens and Candidates with your Holy Spirit as they commit themselves to Your Church.

Is This What Handing It to Christ Feels Like?

I wrote this on Holy Thursday - just now getting internet access to post.

I’m on an airplane again. This time it’s a fun trip. I’m meeting my sister and my niece for a Triduum/Easter getaway to the University of No.tre Dame, a nice little tradition. I have no doubt that this will be a very wonderful time of closeness to God with feelings of peace and hope about what’s to come. I will be sure to light a few candles at the grotto – one for me and my family, and one for all the other families dealing with infertility in some way.

I have a good girlfriend that experienced fertility problems for about 18 months. She’s 26 weeks this week with a healthy little boy! God is truly good and works miracles. I was the one who encouraged her to learn more about her body and start charting, and that led to some treatment that helped them conceive naturally! It has been so great to have someone close to share this journey with, go through it with her, in a sense. 

She’s on the other side of the journey, but I still know that she absolutely gets what I’m going through.

We hadn’t really chatted since my last surgery (I had filled her in on how it went and what the next step was, but that’s really it) until yesterday. I only had about twenty minutes to chat, so I tried my best to summarize how I’ve been feeling, about my upcoming surgery in particular. After getting off the phone, my husband, who heard the whole conversation because we were in the car together, said that I had told my friend things about how I was feeling that I hadn’t shared with him, which concerned him.

After thinking for a moment, I realized that giving my friend a summary forced me to, well, summarize the day-to-day feelings, emotions, and revelations I’ve had over the past month, and that sounds very different than what Kris Kringle and I chat about day-to-day. He was satisfied and understood this explanation, and really, my explanation was a revelation to me. If he hadn’t heard my conversation with my friend and brought up his concern, my words to my friend would have probably been forgotten, and I want to remember them. So, here’s what I said to her.

Emotions I’m not having: excitement, anxiety, hope, hopelessness. I am simply not allowing myself to believe that this surgery will happen and I’ll magically have regular cycles and get pregnant right away. Lord knows that is what I would love to happen and have prayed for, but I just don’t believe that will happen. I have had so many disappointments so far, that I’m almost getting used to it. It’s like I’m preparing myself to experience the least amount of disappointment possible. I’m thinking about adoption more frequently in the last two weeks than I have in the last several months. I have this feeling that there will be more to it than this surgery.

I think this is what giving it over to Christ feels like (I realized out loud to KK a few hours later). I’m not indifferent, but I definitely accept that the outcome of this surgery isn’t really in my control. It’s up to my brilliant medical team and God. So, I’m going to do what I can and leave the rest up to God. That way, I’ll already be sort of on the road toward acceptance if the outcome is less than favorable to our dreams of conception, and I’ll be more surprised than anything if this ends up being the last or one of the last stops on this chapter of infertility. Any sort of miracle (especially the miracle of conception) is welcomed and will be celebrated, and I do believe in miracles (just not my ability to influence or predict them).

Seriously, I think I’ll be ecstatic if I get a period on my own after surgery. I will be just as excited (maybe more?) as when I got my first period at nearly 16 (when I thought it would never ever come). Anything above that will blow my mind and be recorded in the Kringle Family History as an absolute miracle.

God, I know You know I want to conceive a child with my husband more than anything, but for now, I’m going to continue to focus on giving this burden and the uncertainty of my health to You. I really do trust that Your will is what is right for us. Thank You for the strange calm/indifference (for lack of a better word) I am experiencing. Please bring peace to my husband, for I know he is very worried about me and my health. Keep us close to each other and to You.

Be Careful What You Wish For

That's what someone said to me today at lunch when I shared that #1 on my bucket list is to become a mom.

What I wish I could have said back: "I've put more thought into becoming a parent than you," and a few other things that were very presumptive, much more presumptive than his comment.

It was a retreat day at work, and we had ice breaker questions over lunch, so that's where the what's-#1-on-your-bucket-list question came from. Most of my coworkers know nothing about my infertility, so it was a big deal to share that becoming a mother was #1 on my bucket list, because a bucket list is all about items that you hope to accomplish or things you would like to do in your lifetime. A lot of people see parenthood the same as other adulty-things - no big deal, something that just happens when you grow up, a sure thing if you want it. Sharing this today was a little way to acknowledge that yes, I do want to do this parenthood thing and yes, it might not happen.

So when that dude immediately said, "Be careful what you wish for," I wanted to tell him how lucky he is to be experiencing all the exasperating things he's experiencing as a father of young children.

The nice side of this conversation was that later on, when we were all sharing what makes us laugh the most, the coworker next to me, whom I don't know very well at all, said that her 2 year-old twins make her laugh the most. She turned to me and said that parenthood is a huge blessing that she and her husband waited for for a long time, and that every moment is just wonderful. It was like she was speaking in code to me, like she could tell what I meant earlier and had experienced some level of infertility personally. Her words meant so much in the moment.

So sure, be careful what you wish for. I've spent plenty of time the last 18+ months really thinking about parenthood - was I ready, do I want this, can I do this, etc. - and the answer is yes. I do want it. But does God want it for me? We'll see.

People who are already parents, like that male coworker today, have experience that I don't, so I can appreciate that maybe I don't know all what I'm praying to be in for. But in the same vein, I have experience that Mr. Be-careful-what-you-wish-for doesn't have - as a female dealing with infertility. I don't know if he and his wife suffered infertility (I'd like to think that someone who has experienced this wouldn't make a comment like that), but I do know that he doesn't know what it's like to be me in my shoes. I just pray that he has the same appreciation for life and parenthood that I have learned so far through this journey. I also pray that he never says that to anyone again. It was just unnecessary hurt. But thank God for the female coworker and her encouraging, supporting words.

Dear God, thanks for helping me to handle the comments today with grace. Help me to see what blessings I have in my life and be thankful for them, especially during this difficult time. In case You didn't know, I have thought a lot about parenthood, and I am 100% positive that I want to experience the highs/lows, joys/sorrow, blessings/crosses that come along with it. Please watch over my coworkers, friends, and family members as they experiences the ups/downs of parenthood.

In the Tomb of Darkness

Whatever holds you in the tomb of darkness, lay it before Jesus and never give up hope.

That's what my priest said during today's homily. I scribbled it in my Magnificat and hope to find strength from that from time-to-time like I did today. I hope others reading can find some peace in it too.

Infertility permeates everything in my life. I seriously wish I could remember what I thought about before we started this journey, because I think about it at least several times an hour. There are times when it does feel like a tomb - a very final, dark place with no one else around. It seals me off from others and from myself, and I don't feel "of this world" where all our friends are parents with totally different priorities than us.

Probably what I'm struggling with the most is handing it over to Jesus and remaining hopeful that this is not the end. Instead of hope, I typically feel a lot of dread that more disappointing, painful news is on the way, and we will have to accept that parenthood wasn't in His plan for us.

My surgery (endometriosis removal and double ovarian wedge resection) is one month from tomorrow, and I'm conflicted. I'm very excited for this next level of treatment, but I'm also terrified that nothing will really change. I've been in this holding period (with no periods) for 18 months, and I really can't imagine anything but more disappointments.

Not only is infertility my tomb, but so is the hesitancy to hope. Most of the great blessings in my life have come from a leap of faith - not knowing what was in store, but trusting that God had led me/us to that moment. May 14th is going to be another huge leap, and all we can do is trust in Him, right?

The best part about this tomb metaphor I've been thinking about all day is that the stone will get pulled back, and there will be light again. What that means in reality, I won't know until later, but there will be light again.

God, I am hesitant to trust this burden to You. Help me to continue to hope and trust in You. I anxiously await the pulling back of the stone, and I will do my best to remain hopeful and trusting in the meantime.

Reading through my blogroll brought me to the cross this family is carrying right now - a beautiful baby with Trisomy 18. Please say a prayer for Baby Rebecca and her family. Beth's ability to trust and find the light in their experience is amazing, and I pray for peace and comfort for the entire family.

Being an Ambassador

Kris Kringle and I had dinner with an old friend of his last week. The friend's wife is in OB/GYN residency. The friend mentioned that there are few people in the wife's "class" (cohort? I have no idea what that would be called) who are Mormon and don't believe in contraception, indicating that this was a little (a lot of!) weird. I glanced at Kris Kringle, and I went for it. "Well, we're actually of the NFP camp and will not being using contraception in our marriage."

I didn't jump on a soapbox, but I want the friend to know that there are people out there who don't see contraception as a good thing, and that lots of good things have entered our marriage because we've chosen to practice. Kris Kringle offered a few nuggets, and that was really nice to hear him do that with a buddy who was an old frat brother. We shared that I am being treated at PPVI, and because of our open hearts and practice of the Creighton Model, we are finally getting answers and more hopeful about our future than ever.

The friend was really respectful and supportive. I doubt he'll run home and start exploring it, but I'm really glad I'm at a place where I don't feel ashamed to share what we're going through and how we're approaching this issue moving forward.

Do you share your approach to sex and contraception with people when there is an opportunity?

God, thanks for taking us along a path that revealed the blessings offered by being open to life at all times. Help us to be an example for other couples and proud messengers of the amazing gift of NFP!

One of the Lucky Ones

I wrote this post (and a few others) while on a plane 3.28.14.

9:59 AM

I’m getting so much out of writing all of this down! This is great! I’m feeling very inspired to be candid and as real as possible, and the little prayers I am writing are bringing me great peace in this moment.

I’d like to fast forward a few years to when I really started to become an athlete for the first time in my life. My divorce was almost final, I was no longer a smoker, and I had a 5K or three under my belt. The running bug had bit me, and I was infected with no cure! I decided to go for my first-half marathon.

I was still on the pill. It wasn’t because I was sexually active, but I think I figured, “Why stop?” (Yeah… if I could turn back time…) I noticed that I wasn’t really getting a withdrawal bleed as my training intensified. Who knows if it was exercise-related amenorrhea (I now have my doubts). I have always maintained a very healthy BMI, even during my most intense training periods. Anyway, I asked my general doctor to refer me to an OB-GYN because I was worried.

“You are one of those lucky women,” the OB-GYN told me. “You just have very light, sometimes non-existent periods.” Some women, he explained, just react this way on the pill, and I should be grateful that I was “blessed” with these sort of lady parts.

Even though I had found my way back to God and the Catholic faith by this point, I still hadn’t embraced Theology of the Body* and didn’t see what was so dangerous (physically or spiritually) about the pill. So for about 4 and a half years, I stayed on the pill, happily having zero concern about my non-existent periods.

I think part of me will always wonder, “What if?” What if I had decided to give my body a break from the pill just to “reset” or see what would have happened? Would I have discovered some of the problems I’m dealing with now? Would I have avoided some of the problems I currently have? While I can’t always stop these thoughts from entering my head, I can redirect. I think events like this ultimately helped me get to a better place in the long-term scheme of my life, so I can’t dwell too much on the what-ifs.

God, thank You for where I am today. A gift, blessing, or change of heart realized later than sooner is better than never at all. I embrace the good You have given me today, along with the struggles. Please continue to bless me with the right gifts at the right time, according to Your will, not mine. Please do the same for anyone reading this.

They just announced final decent for this flight! I’m anxious to get home to familiar surroundings and spend some much needed time with my husband! I feel really good with what I’ve been able to record so far. I really hope I keep this going.

*I still can't believe after going to Catholic schools all my life, I never really understood Theology of the Body. I also can't believe that during marriage prep for our Catholic marriage, Theology of the Body was never discussed!