Kris Kringle and I finally did The Swim Test. You know, that super fun semen analysis that all the cool kids are doing!
My Na.pro doctor recommended we do this after my last surgery, but because of logistics, we didn't get around to doing it until this week. The results have to make it to a lab within 30 minutes, and because of a really crappy experience when KK tried to get a SA done when we lived in Missouri, we didn't want to have the sample tested anywhere other than where PPVI recommended. Since our town is 30+ minutes from the preferred Omaha lab, we had to rent a hotel room and coordinate our work schedules so we could do the deed and get the sample in.
The condom-like collection device was so uncomfortable - I felt a little scratched up afterward. It was a small ordeal to get everything ready - we didn't want to mess anything up! KK drove us to the lab while I held the sample in the cup under my armpit. We got there in within 10 minutes of the sample being collected - not bad!
So at the lab, I tell the receptionist that we have a semen sample, and it's time sensitive. I know she would know this because this isn't the lab's first semen rodeo, but this was so important to us, I didn't want anything to go wrong. She kind of cut me off and told us to fill out paperwork - no greeting, just business. After we told her what time the sample was collected, she told us to put the sample (in a little white paper bag) in this little tray on the table. Near the tray, I found this hilarious fake flower display that begged me to take its pathetic picture.
After we paid for the test ($50, not bad!), she told us that they should be able to get the results to the doctor's office the next day. Right around then, it hit me that we might get news very soon that this cross is going to get even heavier. I said a prayer very quickly for God to please spare us from new disappointment and heartache associated with the results of this test.
I really dislike how this infertility journey has changed me from assuming good until proven otherwise to assuming bad until proven otherwise. Instead of thinking, "KK's semen is awesome, there's no need to worry," it is now, "KK's semen might be messed up too... I'm not letting myself think positive until I know there's something to be positive about."
As we left the lab, our sample was still waiting in the little tray on the counter. It was about 17 minutes old at that point - not bad! But, it felt like I was leaving a child at daycare, only I was very scared that the daycare would not take good care of my child. I know that sounds crazy, but I would have felt so comforted to see someone pick up the sample and take it away from the lobby. It just made me feel worse in the moment.
Back in the car, I asked KK to pray with me, and together we prayed that God not allow male infertility to be added to our cross. There are ways to improve male infertility, we know, but we are just fine with our plates full of booger-like endometriosis all over me and ovaries the size of golf balls, thanks.
My prayers have been very Matthew 26:39 lately, "My father, if it possible, let this cup pass me by. Nevertheless, let it be as you, not I, would have it." I have a hard time figuring out if I truly believe the last part, but I do believe it's part of the human condition to question yourself and your ability to trust in God. I'll deal with that part as it comes or as I have to, I suppose.
God, please please PLEASE, let the cup of male infertility pass us by. This cross is already very heavy, and I believe our hearts would break under more weight. Still, we trust in You, and we know that You are there to help us carry this load, even if it does get heavier according to your will.