Homewrecker

That's me. A homewrecker. Actually, Kris Kringle and I together are homewreckers. We just destroyed the beginnings of a nest for barn swallows for the second time this week. The irony of us squashing the dreams of a couple who just wants a family is not lost on me.

Photo courtesy of lisaandroger.com

Barn swallows like to build their nests on narrow ledges, and two of them decided the border around the balcony of our third floor apartments was a great spot. At first, it was cute. We'd notice them flying around and chirping to each other, but then the nest started. The bigger the nest got, the more territorial they got. We knocked it down once a few days ago (it wasn't even 10% complete), and then we had to do it again today (it was more like 15%-20% complete).

I feel like a jerk for doing it, but they made it pretty clear that we weren't going to be able to coexist out there. All we have is that that teeny little balcony for outdoor time in our apartment. They are pooping everywhere and hover like crazy if we even open the door and look outside.

After destroying the nest the first time, I immediately thought of the little bird couple who is just trying to do what they are wired to do naturally in order to have a family and be fulfilled, just like KK and me. What right do I have to go out there and tell them their plans are going to have to change? Who am I to tell that little couple that? What will this barrier to building their family do to their relationship, their existence?

Am I thinking too much about this?

Post-surgery update: I had my surgery two weeks ago today. I've been charting mostly 10C/10CK 1x-2x/day, but today and yesterday, I've experienced 10K/AD - I've never experienced that two days in a row before! KK and I decided to buy a vowel* last night, and it felt completely different, almost like how it felt when were buying vowels (ha!) for the first time and I would have a lot of fluid. We both noticed the difference. I really hope that there's something to this change in CM! I know it's really too much to hope for conceiving so quickly after surgery. I'm still sticking with the goal of just getting a period very soon, but it's so fun to think about, and a little hope never hurt anyone, right?

*Buying a vowel. I heard this term in a Facebook group. Someone's husband made a Wheel of Fortune joke related to how you chart intercourse using the Creigh.ton Model, and I absolutely loved it, surprised that my own corny husband didn't think of it first. I'm not a fan of DTD or more explicit language, so I think I just found my euphemism for, well, you know. :)

10 Days Post-op

I reread my last post just now, concerned that it would make no sense because of the narcotics I was on at the time. I'm pleasantly surprised that the post makes sense!

First, thanks to all who have kept me in their thoughts and prayers.

I'm 10 days out today, and I feel great. So great, that I'm tempted to just see what it would feel like to run down the hallway of our apartment building. More like a jog with a soft j. But don't worry; I won't.

That's probably been the hardest challenge. I feel like I'm capable of moving around, not just laying around pretty much all day, even going back to work for a half day, but thankfully, my thoughts never get far because I know I just need to rest. I have done a little light housework here in the last few days (more on that later). Let's continue this post in list style, shall we?

The Best Parts of Recovery

1. I feel like I'm "back to normal." I stopped the narcotics 3-4 days post-op, and I've been off all pain meds for 3-4 days now. Here's a pic of what my incisions looked like a week post op. I have 5 incisions all together (you can't really see the one that's on my right side).
2. I'm cautiously optimistic about what my body will do in the next 30-45 days.
3. My mom (and dad and husband) took great care of me for my first 5 days post-op.
4. I got so. Many. Flowers. And. Treatz. I got flowers from one office, a snacky gift box from another, flowers from the organization we share office space with, flowers from an organization on whose board I serve, an iTunes gift card from my mother-in-law, and a Jimmy Buffet t-shirt from my husband.
5. I am well into Season 4 of How I Met Your Mother, and I've watched tons of great movies in the past week. (Although, it was very weird when we watched Frozen followed immediately by Wolf of Wall Street.)

The Toughest Parts of Recovery

1. I still can't do much physical activity out of concern for my healing.
2. I was really hoping to see my CM dry up after surgery, but so far, I'm still charting mostly 8s and 10s like I did pre-surgery.
3. My mom took great care of me, but there were issues with my dad (who has dementia). I'm also a little bummed that my husband allowed my mother to take care of me most of the time, and I didn't see him step in and take over when she left on Monday.
4. Things that my board president was supposed to handle while I was out -shockingly- have not gotten done, and so I've found myself working on pressing work issues while I'm out. Also, people did not read the I'm on Medical Leave for Two Weeks emails that I sent out before I left and have been calling my cell phone with work-related issues. Not cool.
5. I find myself ruminating frequently about IF and our future as parents. Will this surgery work? What if it doesn't? Do I have what it takes to wait 3 months to see the doc if nothing happens? Was this all in vain?

All I can do is be very, very grateful for the surgery going as well as it did, continue to take it easy, and hope and pray for the best. That's easier said than done, but patience is a virtue, and I certainly could use the practice.

Post-Surgery = Better Than Expected

I'm about 3 days post-op, and I'm so surprised at how good I feel! I feel like the laparoscopy was a much more difficult recovery the first few days. I'm very "aware" of my abdomen, and it feels like each organ is a heavy water balloon, moaning when I move. I was able to sleep on my side the first night, and I'm generally having no issues getting up and moving around.

According to my doctor, everything went perfectly during surgery. This time, I didn't move on the operating table while under anesthesia, so my worst fear of one of my ovaries getting laser-ed off because I moved again didn't come true! I was able to go home the same day. Waking up was definitely tougher this time because I was under for much longer, but when I stood up to use the bathroom for the first time, I felt much better and ready to go home. I've had some narcotics to help with the pain, and I've been really comfortable overall.

Kris Kringle and  I had our post-op appointment at PP.VI yesterday, and that also went really well. We watched video from my surgery. It was amazing to see how they used a laser to cut away the tissue that had endometriosis on it and how they used a special technique to sew up those areas in a way to prevent adhesions. It was so frickin' weird to see how they used to laser to cut out huge chunks of my ovaries and sew them back together. 

Dr. K. was incredibly positive about next steps. She is always very careful with her words and never says anything like, "You should expect to have regular cycles." Instead, she said, "Most women end up having regular cycles." We'll wait up to 3 months to see what happens. I will continue to chart, and when I have my second cycle (!), we can start doing chart reviews, where I get my blood drawn on P+7 (oh my gosh, I'm going to have a P+7!??!!?!) and we see how I'm functioning. Dr. K. also said it's very possible I will need some help from Clomid, so we could start that as soon as my third cycle (I'm going to have cycles?!?!? SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!).

KK left the appointment feeling like a million bucks, full of hope, so excited. I was more subdued just because I still can't wrap my brain around our reality changing. Getting periods again, charting differently, all that jazz, it seems so impossible after all we've experienced. I'll believe it when I see it. Is it wrong to feel that way? I am hopeful. Really, I am. But I just can't let my mind -my heart- go there. Not yet. Maybe once I get a period, that will change how I'm feeling. Right now, even a period feels like a shot in the dark.

I think charting will really help. I have a record of my body's signs, and I should be able to detect a difference here soon. I mean, my ovaries are 1/3 the size of what they were. One-third! That's bound to change something.

God, thank You for a successful surgery without any complications. I am so grateful to have a recovery that seems light and easy so far. Perhaps now it's OK to hope a little more? Please help to me to find that right balance between hope and reality, and please remind me that the reality is that through You, all things are possible.

Surgery Tomorrow: Leap of Faith

My surgery is tomorrow. I'm surprisingly calm and ready. I really feel like I've turned it over to God, and I trust that He will not let me down. By that, I mean that I trust He will protect me and take me to where I need to go (and that place might not be conceiving a child).

We were in Wisconsin over the weekend for my niece's First Holy Communion, and a family friend that is a priest was there for her special day. During the mass, the idea of asking Fr. Igor to anoint me popped into my head. So, after the buzz of celebration died down after mass, I asked Fr. Igor to anoint me, and he said yes. The pastor allowed him access to the parish's anointing materials, and he anoited me with my husband and parents present. It was so beautiful. The words were so fitting that tears streamed down my cheeks. What a wonderful experience.

My parents are here in Iowa with us to help my husband take care of me for the next few days. I love that they came all the way down from Wisconsin again to take care of me and be here for Kris Kringle. I was supposed to be off work today to start my medical leave and prep (ahem-poop) for my procedure, but there was some drama at work that kept me busy all day today. I was hoping to write a more thorough post, but I just don't have the time remaining today. I need to pack my back and continue to "prep."

I will share that Kris Kringle and I went to mass together this morning, and our priest's homily was very fitting. He talked about leaps of faith. He gave examples of leaps of faith: priests leaving a parish to start at a new one, things like that. This surgery tomorrow is certainly a leap of faith. I do believe that God rewards leaps of faith. I don't know what exactly is waiting on the other side of this surgery, but I do know that my husband will be there, my family will be there, and God will be there, and at the end of the day, that's all I really need.

I'll check in when I'm feeling better - hopefully in a few days!

God, I am ready to take this leap of faith. I believe in Your plan. Please guide my medical team tomorrow and help this leap of faith end with no complications and a closer relationship with You. Keep my husband calm with Your presence.

Reacting to 23 Weeks & 6 Days

******WARNING******
This post may be an emotional trigger for those with experiences related to miscarriage and premature birth. Do not proceed in reading this if that could be you. This post also contains spoilers to the story.

I'm going to do my very best to tread lightly with this post, because this post is about someone else's experience. I am trying not to judge, but let's face it. I'm human; I'm judging. So, in advance, I totally admit that I do not know this couple at all, other than the news pieces written about their story with IVF and having a super preemie baby. However, this couple opted to share their story publicly, and I am reacting to what was shared. I'm using this blog to be raw and honest about my feelings related to my infertility, and this news story brought tons of emotions, including judgmental ones, to the surface for me.

Radiolab is one of my favorite radio shows. I recently found a piece from last fall that covered a couple's experience with having a baby born very prematurely. The piece is called 23 Weeks and 6 Days and can be found here. The Radiolab piece is based on a series that the mother, a journalist, wrote here. First, Kris Kringle and I listened to the episode together, and then I read the mother's work, which has a lot of photos accompanying it.

Any story about a baby born that early and that small is an emotional one, and I know parents have to make difficult decisions about the baby's care, which is what most of the story is about. However, it was a complete footnote that this couple conceived through the use of a donor egg, after failed attempt after failed attempt of other unnatural methods of conception. It wasn't even mentioned that IVF is meaningfully correlated with preterm births and complications. It was a completely lost opportunity to educate about that very important concern related to babies created through artificial techniques. Regardless of one's feelings about the ethics of IVF, these correlations are real and have implications for individual families and for society as a whole as we see our health care costs increase.

It was also another example of how our mainstream culture believes babies are commodities, things to "achieve" at all costs. At one point in the radio show, the father described how they had to "force" his sperm into the donor egg, and in the article written by the mother, there's a photo of her holding up a holding up a photo of three little lives (5 day old embryos) in separate petri dishes. She comments on how one of them would become her daughter. She also said, "We knew we were manipulating nature in our determination to have a child. Later, when things went wrong, we’d wonder if we’d pushed too hard." They also talk about the possibility of a child with a disability being as bad as the child dying, stating that the odds were split 20/80 between 1) the baby being perfectly fine or 2) being disabled or dead.

The story also talked about the "will to live" that their little baby had, and I can't imagine how insulting and hurtful that has to sound to parents who had a baby with similar complications that didn't make it. It implies that babies that don't make it don't have a "will to live," and I think that's a terrible thing to say, let alone not true.

There's no denying that my Catholic faith has largely helped me shape my views on conception and parenthood (which have changed over time), and from the story, you can tell that she and her husband simply have very different views on both topics than I do, and of course my opinion doesn't matter to them and their family, as it shouldn't. I'm just not reacting well to a story based on world views and parenthood premises that I don't agree with, and it's hitting me extra hard right now because of the infertility we're experiencing. This couple ignored every sign from the universe that they weren't meant to conceive a child, yet they did anyway, and they have a healthy little girl. Life's not fair, I get that, but it makes we wonder, "Why not us?"

So, yes, this couple made choices/decisions that I already know we'll never make, at least in terms of trying to become parents. They also made choices/decisions around the medical care of their tiny baby, which I pray we never have to make. They have very different understandings of parenthood, life, etc., and that's part of life itself. I just didn't have pleasurable reactions to these pieces of the story. I'm very glad that their super premature baby has made it to age 3 without many complications/setbacks, and I do believe that God has a hand in this little girl's story, just as he does in every person's life, regardless of how they were created or how long they live.

I'm trying to figure out what I learned from this story. I don't think I learned anything new, which is unfortunate.

Have you heard/read this story? What were your reactions?

Leaving a Voicemail for Our Lady

When I say a rosary, it's typically in the car on my way to work or a meeting. I'm all alone in the car usually, so I will talk out loud to Mary before I start. Sometimes it feels like I'm leaving a voicemail. "Hi, Mary. It's me..."

I think I reached a nice spot with my relationship with Mary yesterday, because by talking to her out loud, I was able to admit that I felt distant from her, and why. I used to pray the rosary 5 days a week for a few years. I picked up a little more frequently during Lent, but nowhere near as frequently as before.

I decided yesterday that since May is the month of Mary and I need to reconnect with her, I'll do my best to say a rosary every day, even on the day of and days after my surgery. Maybe it is extra special that my surgery is taking place during her month (we were originally offered an April date, but someone else grabbed it before we could).

So, here is what my "voicemail" for Mary yesterday sounded like.

Hi, Mary. I know I have been distant for a while. I think it's because I didn't think you'd understand the pain I'm experiencing. I want to become a mom so bad, and you were pregnant before you ever really had the chance to discern the call to motherhood. But now, I see that you get it more than I give you credit for. I know how deeply you suffered as you saw your baby die on that cross, the despair that there was nothing you could do and that it was the will of God for your son to experience that fate. I'm not comparing my grief to yours, but I think it's safe to say that we both know like what it feels like to experience sorrow and pain around our motherhood. Our motherhood, Mary. I've never thought of it like that before. If I was given the choice to remain childless or to have a child to love for 30-ish years and then have him ripped away from me so violently, what would I choose? I pray that I am able to respond to any opportunity/experience of motherhood the same way that you did - with a big YES to God and continued trust in his plan, even on the darkest days. Help me to say YES (I don't think I can muster the big part yet) to this burden of infertility and to trust that there is more to all of this, just like there is so much more to your son's story than His death. Help me to remember that I have a friend and a mother in you, and that we are sisters on this spectrum of motherhood.

And... just as I finished writing out this prayer, Kris Kringle just pulled up one of "his songs" on YouTube. He has like 3-4 songs from his college days that he just loves. (We all have a few of those, don't we?) Anyway, he pulled up this one, and it huge smile swept across my face. And... he literally just pranced and scampered over to me out of excitement for this song and kissed me long and hard! I'm a lucky gal! Happy Friday!

Pre-op Consult Success/Swim Test Results

So I went into PP.VI on Tuesday to 1) have my stitches looked at (5+ weeks post lapro and the knots are still there) and 2) to just have some time with my doctor to ask about the things Kris Kringle and I have been chewing on since deciding to do the second surgery. Everything went great. She pulled out the knots in my stitches (everything else had dissolved) and took all the time I needed to talk about different things about my treatment. Here are a few highlights.

1) How come they do ovarian wedge resections instead of ovarian drilling? I had seen on some PCOD message boards that more women are getting that procedure done over the wedge. Doc's answer was basic - they've seen much better results with the wedge.

2) What happens after surgery? We will wait "a few months" without any additional supplements/medications to see what my body does on its own endo-free and with smaller ovaries. 90% of women get a regular cycle after the wedge, and that could take 1-3 months to happen. - God, please let me be one of those 90%!

3) What sort of exercise/activity restrictions? I will need to take it easy at first, but I can ease back into activity and exercises as my body will allow (I just need to listen to what my body's telling me). Walking will be important to prevent blood clots. She did say that I should hold off on training for races until we have "this" sorted out, which is a little bit of a bummer for me to hear, but I figured my fertility will not be optimal if I'm in the throes of marathon training, so this wasn't a shock.

4) Last time I moved on the table while I was out, and we poked a hole in Ms. Uterus. I'm terrified I will move again and we'll lob off one my ovaries. Yes, that was weird. I just need to tell the anesthesiologist and try not to worry about that freak thing reoccurring.

5) We've talked before about my low libido. Can we do anything about this? Yes, we can prescribe testosterone, but let's see how surgery goes before we do that.

6) My rings aren't fitting like they should. The thyroid meds I'm on can cause swelling. Thank goodness that's what it is! Typically rings not fitting are a sign of weight gain for me, and I've lost a little lately.

7) I don't know anyone like me. It's hard to have hope when I don't know anyone with symptoms quite like mine. I have yet to find someone who, like me, is experiencing complete amenorrhea. It's hard to believe I'll get a period after this surgery after not having one in over 18 months. Doc told me a little bit about a patient like me (no periods, marathon runner, thin PCOD) that had wedge resection and has had two children post-wedge. That helped a little, but it's also concerning that she could only think of one... you know?

8) How did The Swim Test go? Overall it went "fine." KK's swimmers have "slighly low motility" (53, they like to see 69+), but they aren't concerned enough to recommend any treatment. Doc recommended Pro.xeed if we want to do something, but she wasn't prescribing it as a course of treatment. At first, we said that yes, we would do that, anything to better our chances, but a little bit of Googling has us gulping at the price (about $100/month) and concerned about the ingredients. Is there an alternative out there? I told KK that he needs to do a little homework and decide if he wants to take it or not. We have a little bit of time to think about it. If anyone has insight, I'm all ears (eyes?).

Overall, I just feel even better about the surgery. I trust my doctor at PP.VI 100%. It's hard to believe that a year ago, we were in the deep of this infertility muck already, I was feeling despair and lost, and then in June, a few job opportunities came my way out of nowhere, and the one that was right for us dropped us right by PP.VI. God is very, very good.

God, thank You so much for the brilliant team I have taking care of me at PP.VI, especially my doctor. Thank You for the peace and calm I've been experiencing related to my health issues lately. Help us to make a good, informed decision about working on KK's motility. Please watch over my medical team and guide them during my surgery in two weeks.