Appointment Recap

This was me when my doctor told me yesterday that it's time to start Clomid.

Yup. A plan! There's a plan! The Clomid should help me ovulate. Could we actually be TTC for real for the very first time in about week or so? Crazy! Now, given that my body has done all sorts of not-so-hopeful things over the last two years, I'm not getting my hopes up, but they are elevated slightly. I'm up for hoping for a period, but I still can't think about much else. Just a period will do for now, y'all. We're considering this CD 6, and if I don't have a period by CD 35, I can call the doctor to figure out what to do. 30 days of waiting? I can handle that. I think the hardest two things this last time were the backwards progress and having to wait so long to figure out what to do.

She also prescribed testosterone to help with my low libido. KK and I are both thrilled about that. Movin' right along!

At least for now. I'll take it!

Mary, thank you for advocating for me. God, thank you for answering my prayers.

Pre-appointment Prayer

God, I go in for my 3 month post-op appointment tomorrow. I've waited 3 months and a few weeks for the chance to see my doctor post surgery to find out what's next. I had the highest high one month after surgery when I got my period. Now 75 days and one progesterone shot later, I am still waiting for the next one, and I'm in one of my lowest lows. I'm afraid to hear what the doctor is going to say. I'm afraid I'll be told to continue to wait. I'm afraid the action plan will be very little action. I'm afraid whatever action is taken will not result in conception. I'm afraid there is still a very long road to parenthood ahead of us that might not even lead us to this fulfilled desire. I'm afraid I will go to all these efforts to make something physically happen that was never meant to be. I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid.

I place all my fears, all the uncertainties, all the pain into the hands of my dear mother and friend, Mary. I pray for courage to continue to seek better health, for the ability to cope with this burden with grace, and for continued faith that there is a divine plan in all of this that my human brain cannot comprehend.

Please, Mary, take my intentions and lay them at the feet of Jesus. Amen.

Thankful

It hasn't been a good month for me on the Fertility Front... today is cycle day 75, and I don't think I even have to explain how disappointing it is. I was able to go in a week ago for a progesterone shot to try to get things started. Two nights ago, I noticed light spotting, but then yesterday, all it was was light spotting. By bedtime last night, it was gone, and there's nothing this morning. I see my doctor on Thursday for my 3 month post-op appointment, and I pray that I leave with some sort of plan besides just waiting.

So... clearly infertility sucks. I wish we didn't have to deal with this. Last night, while reading Magnificat at bedtime with KK, it hit me that, holy cow, do I have a lot to be grateful for. It's so easy for me to ask God why this is happening, why is He doing this to me. But it's a little harder to remember that even with this really crappy situation related to parenthood, He has blessed me in 101 ways and counting.

My faith. I don't know where I'd be without my faith and dealing with IF. Since we struggle so much with it day-to-day, I don't know how folks without faith cope. There is so much comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this. God knows my pain; He knows my heart and its desires to be a good person and a mother. I really do find hope and comfort that this suffering is making me a better person, preparing me for something great that I don't know about yet.

My husband. Not to put KK on the same tier as God, but I don't know where I'd be without him either. It is very sad to think that if he had picked another person to be his spouse, he could be a dad by now. If I had picked someone else, I would still be struggling with IF, no doubt. I'm so grateful that we are (mostly) on the same page with parenthood. We are ready to adopt. KK said yesterday that he wants to have our agency/plan picked out by the end of September. He supports my treatments. We finally figured out a way to make sure we are taking care of the P in SPICE (Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Communicative, Emotional intimacy with each other). We have started scheduling bedroom time to make sure we are intimate in that way twice a week. My low testosterone has really been affecting us in that area, but so far, so good with this scheduling thing.

Also, we are visiting with our priest this Thursday to talk to him about our struggle with infertility and the issues we are navigating as a couple. He wants to talk to a priest about this! This guy has been Catholic for two years, and he's cool with talking to a priest since we couldn't get into the counselor at PP.VI together. I'm so grateful that he's the man and partner he is and that we have our faith together to cope with infertility.

My brain and body. Yes, my body, even though a small part of it isn't functioning right. I'm very glad that I have a healthy heart and other organs. I'm glad I'm able-bodied and can exercise, run, and just do basic things every day. My brain gets me in trouble sometimes, but it allows my body to function well (overall), and it allows me to have a great job.

My job. I really do love my job. It's the right mix of challenge and reward. I am very fairly compensated, and that has made my student loans nearly disappear, and we are confident that we can adopt without going into debt. I'm very grateful that I've made it to this point in my career. With a social work background, I had pretty much planned on not-so-great salaries for the bulk of my career. I'm glad I've found a different profession that still requires me to think like a social worker but doesn't pay me like one.

My family. They rock. We were in Denver this weekend with my parents for my cousin's wedding. My mom kept rubbing my arm during brunch one morning. "I'm just loving this, being here with you guys," she said. Everyone had a few drinks at the reception and made it to the dance floor, including my sweet parents, and I was about to pee my pants watching them dance together. Then, my dad, who isn't in the best of health, grabbed me by the arms and danced with me. It was wonderful. My sisters are great too, and I love my bro-in-law, nephews, and niece. They are all very supportive of us as a couple and our desire to be parents. One sister in particular has been a huge support since the very beginning of our IF journey.

There is so much more to be grateful for: my cooking skills, living so close to PP.VI, the ability to travel frequently for work and play, the duplex we're about to move into.

I just needed this post to remind myself that even though we are dealing with a big, complicated issue that has broken our hearts and bled into every corner of our lives, there is still so much good around us, and God is responsible for that. There is a plan here. I don't know what it is, but I find comfort in that someone knows what He's doing, and I trust Him.

God, simply, thanks. You do so much for me that I can see and am grateful for, but You also do so much behind the scenes that I'll never know or understand. Thank You for my faith, my husband, my family, my job, and my overall health. Help me to be wise with these gifts and never take them for granted. Help me to remember how blessed I really am, even when I'm at the lowest points of our infertility. I am looking forward to my doctor's visit on Thursday, and I beg You to let me leave the appointment with a plan that helps me with my patience and gives me hope. I give my gratitude and these intentions to Mary as my dearest friend and most trusted advocate.

Little Happies - Vol. 2 (& Cycle Update)

Happy Monday to y'all! I'm happy to share my Little Happies today, hosted by Blessed to Be.

-one-

There is this great little store on the internet called Hel.lo Holiday, and they are located in Omaha! I love finding little goodies on there and picking them up in person so I don't have to pay shipping. They had $20 grab bags for sale, so I scooped up one up and got these great finds! The scissors necklace is a little weird, but I love the scarf. I actually bought it for my sister earlier this year, so now I have it too! I've worn both already. The scissors are actually very pointy, and I could easily use them to stab someone if I ever felt like it/needed to.

-two-

That's a birthday bundlet, y'all. The bakery? No.thing Bundt Cakes in Omaha. The occasion? Kris Kringle's 33rd birthday. It snuck up on me, sort of. I offered a birthday dinner to KK, and he chose my awesome veggie enchiladas, but I didn't think ahead. The eve of his birthday, I had no ingredients! I flexed my schedule on his birthday and went to the grocery store, threw it all in the slow cooker, and found him a kegerator for his big present! I told him I needed him to get the condiments I forgot in the car. He was not happy about that but went down to get them, and I watched from the window as he opened the garage door and the car trunk and then just stared at the big unmarked box. I ran down and yelled, "Surprise! It's a kegerator!" The confusion melted off his face. I knew I scored because he kept commenting all night, "I can't believe I have a kegerator!" I also got him some old records of Jimmy Buffett and George Harrison. It was a good birthday!

-three-

I won't go into much detail because I already wrote a whole blog post about it, but I consecrated myself to Mary last week, and it was life changing. Already, I'm finding myself calling on Mary in trying moments when in the past, I had struggled to call on anyone. This is great!

-four-

KK and I had Date Day in Lincoln on Saturday, we visited a few local breweries and went to a beer tasting a historical foundation. The weather was perfect, and we had a lot of fun. That's the state capitol peeking out from behind the trees. It was construction in 1922-1932, and I just love the "date" of the architecture.

-five-

(warning: this isn't mine!)

Amy at This Cross I Embrace announced her pregnancy, 8 years after starting TTC. Her blog was the first IF blog I found, and I followed it quietly for months before finding other blogs and starting my own. She has had a huge impact on how I am trying to cope with IF, and to know that this very special blessing was given to her and her husband make my heart swell. There is nothing but happiness in my heart for them. I think I'm at a point in my journey where I no longer believe it will happen for us, but it does give me hope that after years of wanting this and moving into a "later stage" of acceptance, miracles do happen. I look forward to following her in this new chapter, and I will continue to pray for her health and the health of all my sisters in IF.

Coming up this week... I hope I hear back from my doctor this week. I had one day of change in my CM that warranted a white baby sticker, and my FCP said that would be considered a peak day. So last Wednesday, I went in for a P+7 blood draw. Do I really think it was a peak day? No, but I did not want to wait another 2+ weeks to see my doctor and do nothing until then. Hopefully they'll take a look. I'd love to get started on some progesterone so I could try to trigger a bleed. I'm on CD 66 or something like that. Le sigh.

Update! I received an email from PP.VI about the blood draw: Hi Chella, You have not ovulated yet per the results (duh!)....the progesterone was lower at <.20 and estradiol 5.3. She would like you to come in for a progesterone injection to try and get your cycle started. You can do this anytime this week. You would call the office to set up an appointment for the 200mg injection of progesterone. Your menses would start within 2 weeks. Thanks and let me know if you have any questions....

Aside from the poor use of ellipses (yes, this is me), I'll take it. I'm a little nervous that we are about to start the sequel to what we did in January 2013-September 2013 - round after round of progesterone (with or without estradiol) to try to trigger a bleed that will never ever come. But, I'll give it the ol' college try.

Who Has Two Thumbs & is Newly Consecrated to Mary?

This girl!

Happy Feast of the Assumption of Mary, y'all! Today has been a beautiful day so far, and it has to do with the BIG NEWS that I consecrated myself to the Blessed Virgin Mary for the first time today!

Sadly, I had never heard of Marian Consecration until a little over a year ago, when the book 33 Days to Morning Glory was offered at our parish in Kansas City. I picked it up and read along, but it was the first time I was learning about it, and I really struggled to wrap my brain around it. Could I really turn everything over to Mary? Shouldn't I be talking to God, Jesus, and the saints too?

I picked up the book again several weeks ago and decided I'd give it another go in time to consecrate myself on the Feast of the Assumption. I made it through, although not perfectly. I didn't pack it for our canoe trip, so I had some catching up to do when I got back to civilization. But, page by page, I made it through, and my heart was opened to the idea a little more each day. Some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time (St. Mother Teresa and St. John Paul II) consecrated themselves to Mary... couldn't I do the same and just try to live up to it? About 10 days ago, I knew I'd go through with it, and I even bought my very first veil, thinking that I would wear it in front of the Blessed Sacrament during consecration and during Adoration in the future, as mini-renewal of my promise to Mary. 

Thankfully, I read ahead a little in the book several nights ago and learned that Mass and confession was recommended before consecration. (Had I just followed along day-by-day, I would have learned the morning of consecration at best!) This helped me plan ahead, further prepare my heart, and get excited. One of the recommendation was to get a Miraculous Medal, but I didn't have time to arrange for that ahead of time, but I will look into securing one.

I woke up this morning, super excited to give my heart to Mary! That's how I knew for sure that I was ready and this was right for me. The feeling reminded me of the day that I quit smoking 7+ years ago. I had read a book to prepare me for that big change too, and when I had made it through the book, I couldn't wait to make it official and just quit. Today, I woke up and couldn't wait to make it official with Mary.

I had a wonderful confession with a priest who was so very supportive of my consecration and really took the time to offer a little spiritual guidance with each major sin/issue. Then, Mass was great. KK took his lunch break to join me. He converted to the Catholic faith just over 2 years ago, so Holy Days of Obligation and the special role of Mary are still tough for him, but he goes anyway, and I really appreciate that and admire that in him.

Then, after the church had cleared out, I went into the side chapel where there is 24 hour Eucharist Adoration takes place, donned my veil for the first time, and started my consecration. I prayed several consecration prayers: the one Fr. Michael Gaitley wrote in the book, and the prayers of St. Louis de Montfort, St. Maximilian Kolbe, and one that I wrote myself. My prayer isn't complete, but it was from my heart, so I prayed it and will pray it again and again.

The book continues after consecration and finally explains a few things, including answers to a few questions I had the entire time, like 1) What if I forget to remember Mary at times, and 2) Can I still pray to God and Jesus directly? (The answers were very comforting. It's OK to no remember Mary at all times; the consecration allows for that. Also, yes! You can still pray directly to God, Jesus, any Saint!) I really wish the book had tackled these at the very beginning. I think it would have enriched my experience, but that's OK. I just recommend that anyone who is thinking about using the book to guide them to Marian Consecration read the consecration portion at the beginning instead of waiting for it to come up in order.

So... yep! My heart is Mary's and she's given me hers! I feel like we've traded BFF necklaces, and it feels great.

Dear Mary, today I ask you to accept my entire heart to bring glory to God and strengthen my relationship with Jesus. My heart isn't perfect; it needs some work. But it is genuine in its desire to be a better person that is more pleasing to God. Please accept me as a friend, someone that you will happily support through the trials of life. I also entrust my good works, prayers, and intentions to you to do with what you will. I trust that your grace will fall on me and on others in the most beautiful way to glorify God. 

In return, I accept your entire heart to bring glory to God and strengthen my relationship with Jesus. With you as a friend, by my side, I know I will be stronger and able to align my heart and my actions closer to what Jesus desires for me. Help me to remember how God has acted through you to bring the greatest good into the world: Jesus Christ. Through you today and in the future, God will continue to bring good to the world, and I pray that I receive even the smallest portion of that good.

As we trade these spiritual BFF necklaces today, I pledge my love to your son, Christ Jesus, your spouse, the Holy Spirit, and also to God, our heavenly father. Let's promise to stick together through thick and thin, good and bad, tears and laughter. 

Your faithful friend, Chella

Little Happies - For the Very First Time!

Enough doom and gloom on here. C'mon get happy! Stephanie at Blessed to Be hosts Little Happies every Monday, and it's about time I jumped in. It's time to look back on the last few weeks and be thankful for the good stuff, because I really do have a blessed a life, and my blog should reflect that often! I think you're encouraged to pick 5 things to highlight, but I'm going a little overboard this week.

-one-

This is on the water at Madeline Island. My best friend from high school had just tied the knot, and KK and I went out the water on these paddle boards to make a memory. The water was so calm. It was like floating on glass. This photo reminds me that KK and I are meant to be, and we can do great things in this life as long as we are together.

-two-

This was the beautiful sunrise we experienced during our last day on the water on our amazing trip in the Boundary Waters. I'm reminded of the splendor of our world, and how lucky I am to experience it with all my senses and my able body every day. The trip was so fun. All we did was paddle, eat, set up/take down camp, and enjoy each other's company. I just want to go back!

-three-

Tell me you see them: the faint yet totally there tan lines from my Teva sandals! Normally, the only tan lines I get in the summer are from running. But these... these are from vacation! Looking at them reminds me that our trip was real! I will be so sad when I look down one time and realize they aren't there anymore. Now, thanks to Little Happies, then will forever be in my blog, in case I need to remember that they were real!

-four-

Three cheers for impromptu date night! I had a crazy and long week at work. Once I finally snapped shut my laptop around 6:30 on Friday, I headed over to our local grocery store for a beer tasting KK had arranged. (He's the Beer Specialist there for 8-ish hours a week for fun.) We decided to eat at the deli there, and then we decided to walk down to the movie theater to see Guardians of the Galaxy. Sweet-man-that's-a-tree, it was so good! One of the nice things about being a family of two is the ability to just decide whenever to do something you want to do - no worrying about if it's kid-friendly or if you can get a sitter.

-five-

That's an iced mocha for him, a coffee (caramel flavored, no syrup) with almond milk for me. After mass, I suggested to KK that we go get coffee before running errands. We ended up sitting down and talking for almost an hour about serious stuff: our faith, adoption, the frustrations of infertility. KK shared that at work, his patients and their families ask him all the time if he has kids. He seriously gets asked several times a day. I didn't know he was dealing with that. I get asked that once a month max. I don't know how he does it. Please keep him in your prayers. I'm grateful that the coffee break made us really talk about some serious items. It set the stage for a wonderful Sunday together. 

-six-

We bought this card/dice game at Wal-mart today. It was an impulse buy. The game itself wasn't incredibly fun. The rules were poorly written and confusing. We couldn't figure out how we were supposed to tally scores (I promise we are smart people), so we ended up playing for two hours until we finally called the game (I "won"). But in those two hours, we just enjoyed each other's company, made each other laugh, and listed to our Jimmy Buffett channel on Pandora. I'm grateful for the time we spent on Sunday just being with each other.

-seven-

This is me at the gym this morning! After a long time away from home and then the gym being closed for cleaning all last week (seriously, who does that), I was able to get physical with the weights. I've never been a big lifter. I've always preferred running and then supplementing with short HIIT (high-intensity interval training) workouts, but since I don't know when I'll get to train for a long-distance race again (or anything really), I started a 12-week weight lifting program for beginners about a month post-op. I've been pretty good staying with it. I've missed a workout here/there, but I'm going back in time to the week I left home so I can really work through the whole program. It's good to be back in a habit I really enjoy.

I'm looking forward to documenting this week and taking a stab at another round of Little Happies. Here's to a positive week for all of you!

Why (Not) Me?

Dear God, I know it's unusual for me to start with a prayer, but my heart is hurting so much and I just want to shout from the edge of the world to You: WHY? Why me? Why us? Why must we carry this cross? Why can't it be us that has the blessing of pregnancy? Why can't we glorify You through parenthood? What am I supposed to learn from this that I haven't already?

That about sums me up lately. Let's see... today is CD 53, and it's Yellow Stamp City, population me. That means I have seen absolutely no change in my cervical mucus this entire cycle. You know that great 80's hit, Opposites Attract? I'm Paula Abdul, and my reproductive system is that gross, weird cat that makes a mess, smokes, and steals the covers.

Two steps forward, two steps back. (Only when we get together, it DOES NOT seem to work out.)

There's so much I've been wanting to blog about and just haven't because life. Here they are in bullet form.

• I surprised Kris Kringle with tickets to Paul McCartney. I made it a treasure hunt. He woke up to clues and had to find the tickets. He found the tickets in a book of Sir Paul's poetry/lyrics with a letter telling him that our reality is really tough in so many ways, but for one night, let's celebrate that we aren't parents and can purchase tickets and take off for some fun on a whim. Paul McCartney is an amazing performer, and I was blown away by how many songs of his were played in 3 hours that have impacted my life in profound ways. (Fun Fact: A pianist played Let It Be during our wedding when we presented flowers to The Virgin.) It was a wonderful night, and KK was very touched. If you have the chance to see Sir Paul, RUN! Get tickets NOW! The man was incredible and didn't quit for 3 hours.
• We had an incredible vacation that included the wedding of my best friend from high school on Madeline Island in Lake Superior (gorgeous, so happy for him), a SERIOUS canoe trip through the Boundary Waters Canoe Area in Northern Minnesota (SERIOUS = peeing in the woods, no charting and no civilization for 4 days), an overnight in Grand Marais, MN (cute!), and an overnight in Duluth, MN (always fun). I really hope I write a nice post about this someday because it was wonderful, I have great photos, and it would be nice to post about non-IF things sometimes.
• We had a meeting with an adoption agency 3 weeks ago. At the time, we felt overwhelmed and not ready to add that mess of no control to our lives. During vacation, KK shared with me that his heart is prepared and ready for an adopted child, no matter what happens with our fertility issues. I cried with joy that we were on the same page, because I feel like my heart has prepared a spot for an adopted child too, no matter what. It felt like we crossed from trying to get pregnant to trying to become parents, and I welcome the uncertainty of that journey because -well- we're already on a journey of uncertainly with pregnancy, why not throw a few more logs on the fire?
• I'll be 3 months post-op next week. I'm hoping I can remember to try to get into my doc and get some answers since SUPER AWESOME MEGA PERIOD came almost two months ago and I'm stuck with a whole bunch of hopeless pre-op yellow stamp bull honkey. I did cry a ton today because I am beyond overwhelmed with work (yes, I've only been back from vacation two days), but maybe that means AF is on her way (doubt it).
• I'm preparing to consecrate myself to Mary this month. I've prepared once before, but I didn't go through with it because it felt like such a big commitment, and I wasn't sure if I could honor it. It's also been a little tough preparing with vacation and distractions, but I feel like I'm still on track. I'm hopeful that I will indeed give Mary my heart later this month and use weekly time with the Holy Eucharist to renew my commitment on a regular basis.

Clearly, I'm in this weird space of using humor to express my pain. I'm really in pain, even though we recently discerned the call to adopt, which is very wonderful, exciting news. I'm hurting. I'm this really awful place of, "Why do I care? What does it matter? Screw parenthood. I'm not deserving. It will never happen. Might as well get used to a life without children. No need to get hopes up; they will come crashing down soon; God makes certain of that."

And also, just a general but heartfelt thank you to those who have left comments on my blog. I do read them, appreciate them, and find comfort and strength in them. I try my best to return the support and strength, in comments and in prayers. Finding a community through this blog and some Facebook groups has really helped me, and I'm grateful for virtual yet genuine friendships.

God, thanks for helping me remember through writing this post that I do have things to look forward to and be grateful for: the exploration of adoption, a visit with my doctor soon, and opportunities to connect with my spouse. I hurt, I really do. Help to me to "trade hearts" with Mary as I prepare for consecration: help me to give her my heart and happily accept hers so that I am brought closer to You. Please help this new relationship and commitment to Our Lady calm my hurt and ease this burden.