It hasn't been a good month for me on the Fertility Front... today is cycle day 75, and I don't think I even have to explain how disappointing it is. I was able to go in a week ago for a progesterone shot to try to get things started. Two nights ago, I noticed light spotting, but then yesterday, all it was was light spotting. By bedtime last night, it was gone, and there's nothing this morning. I see my doctor on Thursday for my 3 month post-op appointment, and I pray that I leave with some sort of plan besides just waiting.
So... clearly infertility sucks. I wish we didn't have to deal with this. Last night, while reading Magnificat at bedtime with KK, it hit me that, holy cow, do I have a lot to be grateful for. It's so easy for me to ask God why this is happening, why is He doing this to me. But it's a little harder to remember that even with this really crappy situation related to parenthood, He has blessed me in 101 ways and counting.
My faith. I don't know where I'd be without my faith and dealing with IF. Since we struggle so much with it day-to-day, I don't know how folks without faith cope. There is so much comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this. God knows my pain; He knows my heart and its desires to be a good person and a mother. I really do find hope and comfort that this suffering is making me a better person, preparing me for something great that I don't know about yet.
My husband. Not to put KK on the same tier as God, but I don't know where I'd be without him either. It is very sad to think that if he had picked another person to be his spouse, he could be a dad by now. If I had picked someone else, I would still be struggling with IF, no doubt. I'm so grateful that we are (mostly) on the same page with parenthood. We are ready to adopt. KK said yesterday that he wants to have our agency/plan picked out by the end of September. He supports my treatments. We finally figured out a way to make sure we are taking care of the P in SPICE (Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Communicative, Emotional intimacy with each other). We have started scheduling bedroom time to make sure we are intimate in that way twice a week. My low testosterone has really been affecting us in that area, but so far, so good with this scheduling thing.
Also, we are visiting with our priest this Thursday to talk to him about our struggle with infertility and the issues we are navigating as a couple. He wants to talk to a priest about this! This guy has been Catholic for two years, and he's cool with talking to a priest since we couldn't get into the counselor at PP.VI together. I'm so grateful that he's the man and partner he is and that we have our faith together to cope with infertility.
My brain and body. Yes, my body, even though a small part of it isn't functioning right. I'm very glad that I have a healthy heart and other organs. I'm glad I'm able-bodied and can exercise, run, and just do basic things every day. My brain gets me in trouble sometimes, but it allows my body to function well (overall), and it allows me to have a great job.
My job. I really do love my job. It's the right mix of challenge and reward. I am very fairly compensated, and that has made my student loans nearly disappear, and we are confident that we can adopt without going into debt. I'm very grateful that I've made it to this point in my career. With a social work background, I had pretty much planned on not-so-great salaries for the bulk of my career. I'm glad I've found a different profession that still requires me to think like a social worker but doesn't pay me like one.
My family. They rock. We were in Denver this weekend with my parents for my cousin's wedding. My mom kept rubbing my arm during brunch one morning. "I'm just loving this, being here with you guys," she said. Everyone had a few drinks at the reception and made it to the dance floor, including my sweet parents, and I was about to pee my pants watching them dance together. Then, my dad, who isn't in the best of health, grabbed me by the arms and danced with me. It was wonderful. My sisters are great too, and I love my bro-in-law, nephews, and niece. They are all very supportive of us as a couple and our desire to be parents. One sister in particular has been a huge support since the very beginning of our IF journey.
There is so much more to be grateful for: my cooking skills, living so close to PP.VI, the ability to travel frequently for work and play, the duplex we're about to move into.
I just needed this post to remind myself that even though we are dealing with a big, complicated issue that has broken our hearts and bled into every corner of our lives, there is still so much good around us, and God is responsible for that. There is a plan here. I don't know what it is, but I find comfort in that someone knows what He's doing, and I trust Him.
God, simply, thanks. You do so much for me that I can see and am grateful for, but You also do so much behind the scenes that I'll never know or understand. Thank You for my faith, my husband, my family, my job, and my overall health. Help me to be wise with these gifts and never take them for granted. Help me to remember how blessed I really am, even when I'm at the lowest points of our infertility. I am looking forward to my doctor's visit on Thursday, and I beg You to let me leave the appointment with a plan that helps me with my patience and gives me hope. I give my gratitude and these intentions to Mary as my dearest friend and most trusted advocate.