Have you heard the story Welcome to Holland? It's about giving birth to a special needs child. You thought you'd have an average "healthy" baby, or you were planning on taking a trip to beautiful Venice. You didn't plan on having a special needs child, or "going to Holland," but once you're there, it is absolutely beautiful, and there's nowhere else you'd rather be. That's the gist of it.
So, I think we're on our way to Holland, in more ways than one. Yes, we have this super-awesome-gonna-be-amazing trip planned for late March, but we've also officially "bought" our tickets for a different sort of trip - we're adopting! Yes, for sure. Yes, we're excited. And in no way does this feel like a runner up choice to pregnancy. It feels like we're about to go on an amazing trip! Is it Venice, no. But it's Holland, and it's going to be amazing, and now that we're at this part of the journey, I almost can't imagine going anywhere but Holland. I think I want Venice because everyone goes to Venice. You're supposed to go to Venice. And maybe we'll go someday, and that would be thrilling. But I'm just as excited to go to Holland, because I'm pretty sure we'll actually make it there, and the ultimate result, the chance to be parents together, is what it's all about for us.
So, the next steps are to apply for the home study (we are going with a national agency) and work with the agency on our profile and questionnaire. We're no longer nervous to discuss what sorts of special needs and medical histories we would be open to because, thanks to this great book, we are no longer afraid of the special circumstances that come with adoption. Would we get to pick/choose what sort of biological child we could have? No, absolutely not, but with adoption, it is a necessary part of the process to decide what you are and are not open to, and it's best for all involved that adoptive families prayerfully consider what they believe they can handle at this point in their lives.
What's probably most exciting for me right now is that the home study agency has no wait list, so the only thing keeping us from setting up the visits is turning in the application! We'll do that this weekend, so we actually might have a completed home study by the holidays, go live with our profile right after the holidays, and we might be parents by Christmas 2015! I know there are plenty of variables that could get in the way, but this is the most hopeful I've been about parenthood in a long time, so I'm enjoying it.
Cycle update. I don't really know what's happening. My FCP didn't return my call until 5 days after I started bleeding on CD 5 (I haven't called her back). I had heavier red spotting on CDs 5-7, and then on CDs 8-11, I had very light, brown spotting. I don't think it was AF because I had no symptoms of cramping, sore breasts, etc. So, if I make it to Friday, CD 14, with no AF, I'll take a test on Saturday morning, and if it's negative (which I'm expecting), I'll send my chart in to the doc on Monday and see what they say.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Not Funny/Helpful, God
Today was awful. Awfully exciting. Excitingly awful. Such a mix over here..
Remember how I promised not to Google pregnancy symptoms?
I still haven't! :) However, despite my best efforts to NOT FREAK OUT during this TWW, it's already happened. And I'm only on CD 5.
Everything was going along fine until I met up with a peer this morning (we'll call her Pam). Pam actually has two miracle babies that are all grown up thanks to Dr. Hil.gers and Na.Pro all those years ago. God definitely had a hand in us realizing this common thread pretty early after I moved to the area last year. Pam knows about our struggles, my surgeries, etc. After a meeting we were both at this morning, she asked me how I was feeling. I spoke to her in general terms (it wasn't really the time to get into details) that slowly but surely I think I'm getting healthier, and we're hopeful (I didn't mention our adoption plans).
"Well, you are glowing!" Pam gushed. "I mean seriously, I thought you were going to tell me that you were expecting. I can sense these things and I thought for sure..."
"Who knows?" I responded. "Maybe in 10 days or so we'll have something to celebrate, but for now, I'm just happy to be on the road to better health."
I should also mention that Pam saw me six days ago and did not notice any glowing.
So, that happened. Why would such a nugget, such a comment, after almost two years of someone never saying that to me or suspect that I was expecting saying it now, during my first real TWW, the first time that pregnancy is a real possibility? It doesn't seem fair.
I go to the bathroom, wipe, check my toilet paper like a good Cr.eighton user, and the CM has a red tinge to it. I wipe again, and there is blood. Like, a blob of it (ew gross, I know, sorry!). Then my heart just explodes. What on earth is this? Could this be implantation bleeding? What the actual...?
I run to my coworker's office and shut the door (she is an amazing friend too). I spill all of this on her. She gets teary, and we just don't know what to say or do. She asks if we can pray together (which we hadn't done before, but we both know the other is a faithful person), so we do, and she gives up to God the most wonderful prayer. I wish I had recorded it. She did such a great job of asking God to give us hope but to also protect us at the same time and to trust in His plan and His will, whatever it may be. All I could add at the end was a choked up "Amen" and thanked God for her as a friend.
So, all of that happened. And my trusty group of fellow Catholic IF sisters on Facebook quickly came to my aid when I gushed all of this on Facebook. Someone Googled implantation bleeding for me, and it is possible. Someone else mentioned that on Clomid, mid-cycle bleeding can happen, and many hopes had been raised when it was just Clomid doing crazy things.
So... did I have a moment/20 minutes today where I thought, finally, this could be happening to us? Absolutely. But I've calmed down a little bit. I quickly Googled "Clomid bleeding" and found a little bit of anecdotal stuff (old message board posts and the like) that said that it's also very possible that the bleeding is from Clomid. So that grounded me a little. But then I had to call my BFF (has a 6 week old after a year and a half of IF and Clomid) to fill her in, and she said she was getting goosebumps and was excited for us! But she was also understanding of my need to protect my heart, and she reminded me that no matter what the outcome of this cycle is, it will hopefully be a cycle, and that is progress. She is so right.
So, here I type with a heart open and hopeful that these signs mean something, but I think I'm going to bed with a realistic outlook that these signs mostly likely do not point to pregnancy, and I'm OK with that. The bleeding has continued (I am using a pad currently), but it's not exactly a flow either, so who knows.
If I start getting more signs, I don't know if I can handle it, and I can't help but question God why I would have to experience all of this today and maybe more in the next few days. What good comes out such an exercise?
I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...
God, please don't play with my heart any more this cycle. Today was too much. I really am trying to play it cool and not freak out about this first TWW. Please give me at least one cycle where I don't get my hopes up and lose realistic expectations. I'm still praying for patience, peace, and a new cycle where we can hopefully get me healthier. I don't understand why I would be given signs that make my heart explode like today. What good is to come of that? Why do I need to experience that? Please protect my heart; don't let me expose it to unnecessary disappointment, especially when I'm trying to keep a level head. (Of course, if Your will this cycle is a pregnancy, then THY WILL BE DONE! But please, if that is not Your will, spare my heart.)
Remember how I promised not to Google pregnancy symptoms?
I still haven't! :) However, despite my best efforts to NOT FREAK OUT during this TWW, it's already happened. And I'm only on CD 5.
Everything was going along fine until I met up with a peer this morning (we'll call her Pam). Pam actually has two miracle babies that are all grown up thanks to Dr. Hil.gers and Na.Pro all those years ago. God definitely had a hand in us realizing this common thread pretty early after I moved to the area last year. Pam knows about our struggles, my surgeries, etc. After a meeting we were both at this morning, she asked me how I was feeling. I spoke to her in general terms (it wasn't really the time to get into details) that slowly but surely I think I'm getting healthier, and we're hopeful (I didn't mention our adoption plans).
"Well, you are glowing!" Pam gushed. "I mean seriously, I thought you were going to tell me that you were expecting. I can sense these things and I thought for sure..."
"Who knows?" I responded. "Maybe in 10 days or so we'll have something to celebrate, but for now, I'm just happy to be on the road to better health."
I should also mention that Pam saw me six days ago and did not notice any glowing.
So, that happened. Why would such a nugget, such a comment, after almost two years of someone never saying that to me or suspect that I was expecting saying it now, during my first real TWW, the first time that pregnancy is a real possibility? It doesn't seem fair.
I go to the bathroom, wipe, check my toilet paper like a good Cr.eighton user, and the CM has a red tinge to it. I wipe again, and there is blood. Like, a blob of it (ew gross, I know, sorry!). Then my heart just explodes. What on earth is this? Could this be implantation bleeding? What the actual...?
I run to my coworker's office and shut the door (she is an amazing friend too). I spill all of this on her. She gets teary, and we just don't know what to say or do. She asks if we can pray together (which we hadn't done before, but we both know the other is a faithful person), so we do, and she gives up to God the most wonderful prayer. I wish I had recorded it. She did such a great job of asking God to give us hope but to also protect us at the same time and to trust in His plan and His will, whatever it may be. All I could add at the end was a choked up "Amen" and thanked God for her as a friend.
So, all of that happened. And my trusty group of fellow Catholic IF sisters on Facebook quickly came to my aid when I gushed all of this on Facebook. Someone Googled implantation bleeding for me, and it is possible. Someone else mentioned that on Clomid, mid-cycle bleeding can happen, and many hopes had been raised when it was just Clomid doing crazy things.
So... did I have a moment/20 minutes today where I thought, finally, this could be happening to us? Absolutely. But I've calmed down a little bit. I quickly Googled "Clomid bleeding" and found a little bit of anecdotal stuff (old message board posts and the like) that said that it's also very possible that the bleeding is from Clomid. So that grounded me a little. But then I had to call my BFF (has a 6 week old after a year and a half of IF and Clomid) to fill her in, and she said she was getting goosebumps and was excited for us! But she was also understanding of my need to protect my heart, and she reminded me that no matter what the outcome of this cycle is, it will hopefully be a cycle, and that is progress. She is so right.
So, here I type with a heart open and hopeful that these signs mean something, but I think I'm going to bed with a realistic outlook that these signs mostly likely do not point to pregnancy, and I'm OK with that. The bleeding has continued (I am using a pad currently), but it's not exactly a flow either, so who knows.
If I start getting more signs, I don't know if I can handle it, and I can't help but question God why I would have to experience all of this today and maybe more in the next few days. What good comes out such an exercise?
I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...
- Google pregnancy symptoms
Switch up my eating/drinking patterns- Take a pregnancy test
- Be upset when AF arrives
- Lose hope that God might have something miraculous up his sleeve this month
God, please don't play with my heart any more this cycle. Today was too much. I really am trying to play it cool and not freak out about this first TWW. Please give me at least one cycle where I don't get my hopes up and lose realistic expectations. I'm still praying for patience, peace, and a new cycle where we can hopefully get me healthier. I don't understand why I would be given signs that make my heart explode like today. What good is to come of that? Why do I need to experience that? Please protect my heart; don't let me expose it to unnecessary disappointment, especially when I'm trying to keep a level head. (Of course, if Your will this cycle is a pregnancy, then THY WILL BE DONE! But please, if that is not Your will, spare my heart.)
Monday, September 15, 2014
My First Two Week Wait
So, the Clomid appears to be working, as I had several days of really great CM last week. Timing intercourse? Not a problem! It looks like Friday was my peak day, so I'll go in this Friday for my first "real" P+7 blood draw. (I went in once in August for a P+7, but I really didn't have a build up of fertile CM, and it wasn't really a peak day.)
While I still just want to have a cycle, I can't help but hope a little that maybe we'll be one of those (annoying) couples who have the story that "once we started Clomid, we got pregnant right away." And while I think it's good to have that sort of hope, I'm well aware from the blogs of all my IF sisters that TWWs are dangerous, and I need to be very careful.
I don't mean that my IF sisters have not been careful - quite the opposite! I've read a lot of posts about all the symptoms they experienced. They had every reason to believe that it was really happening to them, finally. I've also read the after-posts when it didn't happen, and it just breaks my heart for them every time. I'm so worried that I will be the same as them (why wouldn't I be?), and I just want to protect my heart.
I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...
While I still just want to have a cycle, I can't help but hope a little that maybe we'll be one of those (annoying) couples who have the story that "once we started Clomid, we got pregnant right away." And while I think it's good to have that sort of hope, I'm well aware from the blogs of all my IF sisters that TWWs are dangerous, and I need to be very careful.
I don't mean that my IF sisters have not been careful - quite the opposite! I've read a lot of posts about all the symptoms they experienced. They had every reason to believe that it was really happening to them, finally. I've also read the after-posts when it didn't happen, and it just breaks my heart for them every time. I'm so worried that I will be the same as them (why wouldn't I be?), and I just want to protect my heart.
I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...
- Google pregnancy symptoms
- Switch up my eating/drinking patterns
- Take a pregnancy test
- Be upset when AF arrives
- Lose hope that God might have something miraculous up his sleeve this month.
I simply have had too much medical challenge up to this point for Clomid to be the last missing piece. I know that in my brain. My heart can't help but dream and hope that this part of the journey is almost over. And, it still might be almost over. I'd consider a healthy pregnancy in the next six months as "almost over."
Anyway, I enter this TWW with one foot in the "hoping for pregnancy" area and the other in the "hoping for AF" area. We'll see how good I am at actually guarding this heart of mine.
God, this TWW thing is new to me this month! Thank You for allowing us to get this far... things like AF and TWWs are parts of the IF journey that I haven't really experienced so far. I trust in You, and I know You can do great things. You know our hearts and our intentions. Please help us feel Your presence during these next 10-14 days and rejoice in whatever outcome awaits us this cycle. Please comfort my sisters in IF who are hurting so deeply this week because of this cross of IF and the pain that comes with it. Mary, my advocate and best friend, be with me and my sisters in IF this week and always.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Omaha...
So last week I was in Chicago for a training. The timing wasn't good, because we were going to move the following weekend from our apartment to a duplex, but I really needed to attend this training for work. On Friday, it wrapped up a little early, so I hurried to the airport to try to get on an earlier flight. Well, United wouldn't let me select the earlier flight at check-in, so I thought I'd get through security and see if I could talk to someone at the gate.
Well, I couldn't get on that earlier flight because it was cancelled. Bad weather in Chicago. So, I pony up to a bar with a glass of wine and my laptop to get work done before my flight.
Long story short, my flight gets cancelled too! Crap crap crap. I've got to get home! Our apartment was maybe 30% packed when I left, and the movers come Saturday morning at 8am! KK needs me!
So I'm waiting in United's customer service line, which is a mile long, and I catch wind of a phone number to call for assistance that will take less time. I call the number and learn that the earliest they can get me to Omaha is 6pm on Saturday. Um, no. There are no other options: no flights to Des Moines or Kansas City, nothing. Crap crap crap. I have to get home!
"Anyone want to take a road trip to Omaha?" I asked half-jokingly in the customer service line.
"I do!" one lady said. My first impression of her was a non-threatening one, and the thought of having someone to help me drive was very appealing.
So the United person transferred me to a car rental agency, and I started to book a car. The agent asked, "How many people will be in the car?"
"How many people will be in the car?" I asked the line.
The answer ended up being four. A young couple had joined us.
With a rental car locked and loaded, the group of strangers, led by moi, started on the road to Omaha around 9pm. We all found all sorts of things to talk about. The solo gal who lives/works in Omaha, and the couple was from New York City and had a wedding in Omaha on Saturday. No one was overly weird or unpleasant.
Seven hours later (4am), we dropped the couple off at their hotel in downtown Omaha, returned the car to the Omaha airport, and then I drove my new Omaha friend home so her husband didn't have to wake up and get her that early. I made it back to our apartment a little after 5am, and I packed and packed and moved and moved until 4pm that day. Then I crashed.
That experience is probably the closest I'll ever get to hitchhiking (the idea has always intrigued me, but I'll never ever do it). Here's to a spirit of adventure! I'm just glad KK didn't have to deal with the movers alone. It wouldn't have gone well, and it wouldn't have been fair to anyone involved.
Well, I couldn't get on that earlier flight because it was cancelled. Bad weather in Chicago. So, I pony up to a bar with a glass of wine and my laptop to get work done before my flight.
Long story short, my flight gets cancelled too! Crap crap crap. I've got to get home! Our apartment was maybe 30% packed when I left, and the movers come Saturday morning at 8am! KK needs me!
So I'm waiting in United's customer service line, which is a mile long, and I catch wind of a phone number to call for assistance that will take less time. I call the number and learn that the earliest they can get me to Omaha is 6pm on Saturday. Um, no. There are no other options: no flights to Des Moines or Kansas City, nothing. Crap crap crap. I have to get home!
"Anyone want to take a road trip to Omaha?" I asked half-jokingly in the customer service line.
"I do!" one lady said. My first impression of her was a non-threatening one, and the thought of having someone to help me drive was very appealing.
So the United person transferred me to a car rental agency, and I started to book a car. The agent asked, "How many people will be in the car?"
"How many people will be in the car?" I asked the line.
The answer ended up being four. A young couple had joined us.
With a rental car locked and loaded, the group of strangers, led by moi, started on the road to Omaha around 9pm. We all found all sorts of things to talk about. The solo gal who lives/works in Omaha, and the couple was from New York City and had a wedding in Omaha on Saturday. No one was overly weird or unpleasant.
Seven hours later (4am), we dropped the couple off at their hotel in downtown Omaha, returned the car to the Omaha airport, and then I drove my new Omaha friend home so her husband didn't have to wake up and get her that early. I made it back to our apartment a little after 5am, and I packed and packed and moved and moved until 4pm that day. Then I crashed.
That experience is probably the closest I'll ever get to hitchhiking (the idea has always intrigued me, but I'll never ever do it). Here's to a spirit of adventure! I'm just glad KK didn't have to deal with the movers alone. It wouldn't have gone well, and it wouldn't have been fair to anyone involved.
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