Where Have I Been?

It's been a bit since I posted. I haven't really been around here much, as I've placed my energy elsewhere lately.

My health. Taking that darn antibiotic for 21 days to treat my TEBB sucked! We had bad breath non-stop, and Kris Kringle had bad digestive issues. Hopefully, that did the trick for with the TEBB. I took a round of progesterone shots to start a cycle, and then I took my first round of Femara on CD 3. I was hellacious on it - several fights with KK that were just ridiculous. I was in rare form, and it was awful. I had a pretty decent round of fertile CM, no random bleeding like last cycle, but here it is, P+22 (CD 40-something, 50-something?) with no AF. I took a pregnancy test on P+16 and it was negative (naturally, I had no hope for anything else because I had 0 symptoms).

So, I was supposed to let the doctor's office know where I was at this Monday to probably get a pregnancy test (ha) and start another round of progesterone, but right now, I'm just waiting until mid-December. We have other stuff to focus on right now, and I really don't want to be on crazy fertility drugs during the holiday season. I'm due for my well-woman's visit in mid-December, so I think I'll take that opportunity to talk to Dr. K about where we are with TTC and how we can continue to work on my health without focusing on TTC anymore.

Adoption. We took a big step yesterday on Thanksgiving and announced our adoption plans to the world through Facebook. We made a cute little video that we posted after a week of teasers that we had a big announcement. Some folks made a few comments about it being a pregnancy, which we sort of asked for in a way, but all but one of them really had no idea we were struggling with IF. The wave of love that came from our networks when we released the video was incredible! There was tons of support and few folks let us know how adoption was a part of their story - we had no idea! If you would like to follow our journey on Facebook and our other blog that reveals our identities, please send an email to half.full.of.grace@gmail.com (remove all the dots before the @). I would like to keep this blog somewhat anonymous.

We have our last home study visit on Monday, and once all our background checks come back, we'll be done with that important step. Then, our agency needs to review the home study, and we have to get a few more references in order to comply with other states' requirements. We aren't sure when we'll go live, but we're hoping for February.

One thing that will impact how quickly we can go live is how well we can save money in the next few months. We put our house in the Kansas City area back on the market in early October. We've had a lot of showings and finally had a second showing (our first one) earlier this week. We are praying to St. Joseph to intercede and help us sell the house. If we can't get it sold or rented, we will be paying rent in Nebraska and a mortgage, and our adoption saving will pretty much grind to a halt.

It's funny how because adoption has become our new hope and our new focus, IF isn't bothering me a ton right now. Sure, I've had "flare ups" of emotion here and there (a "friend" who knows about our struggles told me in a very insensitive way that they are pregnant through IVF and I didn't take that very well), but all in all, the home study process and designing our new blog has really shifted my energy to a different process, a different journey. We know this path will be challenging and rewarding in its own, unique way, and we truly believe God has brought us here. This is our fiat, and we're going to try our best to embrace it.

Remember how excited I was to enter into my first two week wait? Yeah... denied again. I started bleeding on CD 5, and I had a good 7 days of red stamps - most days were barely there brown spotting. Great. So I waited a few more days after that, took a pregnancy test at P+14 just to be sure (negative, duh), then sent in my chart. Here's what happened/is happened (note from the doctor):

Your progesterone is less than 0.20 and estradiol is 3.1. Dr recommend to do progesterone 100mg (2ml) intramuscular shots every 3 days for 3 doses. The progesterone shots will help induce a menses. Dr recommends next cycle to stop clomid and take Letrozole instead 25mg (10 tablets) on cycle day 3. Regarding having period shortly after peak day, Dr states hard to know, possibly drop in estrogen. Regarding the brown spotting, it can be inflammation, may be due to chronic endometritis (infection in uterus) Recommends Biaxin 500mg twice daily for you and your husband for 21 days with probiotic.

Great... so obviously I didn't respond well to Clomid. I took my third progesterone shot 2 days ago, and KK and I are about a week into our nasty antibiotic adventure: bad breath, digestive issues, zits everywhere, etc. KK is taking this especially hard, since he has not done much medically on this journey (other then the semen analysis and taking vitamins). Emotions were heightened around this a few days ago, and we had to take a big step back and remember that being with each other is more important than conceiving or becoming parents. So, we're in a good place with it all now, but it is always work to keep it a good place.

So yup... still haven't had a two week wait. Seriously, who are we kidding? Two years into this, and never a healthy cycle that gave us reason to hope. I'm fine with continuing with doctor's recommendations for now, because hopefully it will lead to a healthier me. But, I'm all about the adoption process now.

Adoption. That is where I find hope - real hope - in becoming a parent. It's so exciting to know that our birth parents already exist and already need our prayers, and it's also very exciting to think that the child we'll be selected to raise could already be conceived! That this might be our last holidays without a child gives me goosebumps. Our first home study visit is in two days - just two weeks after turning in our application! I am beyond excited, and so is KK. That we are on the same page and 100% into the adoption process makes me very happy. But the stress that comes along with all of this is tough, too.

Also, we put our house in Missouri on the market again in hopes that we can sell it! We couldn't sell it when we moved last year and have it rented out through November. We have no intention of buying another house in the future (we rent now), so we would use some of the money from the sale for our adoption costs.

God, please grant KK and me patience and understanding with each other during this adoption process. Help us to remember that parenthood isn't for us if we can't be good to each other. Please bless our social worker and help her to see how genuine our intentions are and how good of parents we will be. Bless our future child's birth parents, and if the little one is already conceived, please keep him or her healthy and safe.

St. Joseph, I'm sorry we buried a little statue of you last year and never dug you back up. Please intercede for us and help this house get sold!

Welcome to Holland

Have you heard the story Welcome to Holland? It's about giving birth to a special needs child. You thought you'd have an average "healthy" baby, or you were planning on taking a trip to beautiful Venice. You didn't plan on having a special needs child, or "going to Holland," but once you're there, it is absolutely beautiful, and there's nowhere else you'd rather be. That's the gist of it.

So, I think we're on our way to Holland, in more ways than one. Yes, we have this super-awesome-gonna-be-amazing trip planned for late March, but we've also officially "bought" our tickets for a different sort of trip - we're adopting! Yes, for sure. Yes, we're excited. And in no way does this feel like a runner up choice to pregnancy. It feels like we're about to go on an amazing trip! Is it Venice, no. But it's Holland, and it's going to be amazing, and now that we're at this part of the journey, I almost can't imagine going anywhere but Holland. I think I want Venice because everyone goes to Venice. You're supposed to go to Venice. And maybe we'll go someday, and that would be thrilling. But I'm just as excited to go to Holland, because I'm pretty sure we'll actually make it there, and the ultimate result, the chance to be parents together, is what it's all about for us.

So, the next steps are to apply for the home study (we are going with a national agency) and work with the agency on our profile and questionnaire. We're no longer nervous to discuss what sorts of special needs and medical histories we would be open to because, thanks to this great book, we are no longer afraid of the special circumstances that come with adoption. Would we get to pick/choose what sort of biological child we could have? No, absolutely not, but with adoption, it is a necessary part of the process to decide what you are and are not open to, and it's best for all involved that adoptive families prayerfully consider what they believe they can handle at this point in their lives.

What's probably most exciting for me right now is that the home study agency has no wait list, so the only thing keeping us from setting up the visits is turning in the application! We'll do that this weekend, so we actually might have a completed home study by the holidays, go live with our profile right after the holidays, and we might be parents by Christmas 2015! I know there are plenty of variables that could get in the way, but this is the most hopeful I've been about parenthood in a long time, so I'm enjoying it.

Cycle update. I don't really know what's happening. My FCP didn't return my call until 5 days after I started bleeding on CD 5 (I haven't called her back). I had heavier red spotting on CDs 5-7, and then on CDs 8-11, I had very light, brown spotting. I don't think it was AF because I had no symptoms of cramping, sore breasts, etc. So, if I make it to Friday, CD 14, with no AF, I'll take a test on Saturday morning, and if it's negative (which I'm expecting), I'll send my chart in to the doc on Monday and see what they say.

Not Funny/Helpful, God

Today was awful. Awfully exciting. Excitingly awful. Such a mix over here..

Remember how I promised not to Google pregnancy symptoms?

I still haven't! :) However, despite my best efforts to NOT FREAK OUT during this TWW, it's already happened. And I'm only on CD 5.

Everything was going along fine until I met up with a peer this morning (we'll call her Pam). Pam actually has two miracle babies that are all grown up thanks to Dr. Hil.gers and Na.Pro all those years ago. God definitely had a hand in us realizing this common thread pretty early after I moved to the area last year. Pam knows about our struggles, my surgeries, etc. After a meeting we were both at this morning, she asked me how I was feeling. I spoke to her in general terms (it wasn't really the time to get into details) that slowly but surely I think I'm getting healthier, and we're hopeful (I didn't mention our adoption plans).

"Well, you are glowing!" Pam gushed. "I mean seriously, I thought you were going to tell me that you were expecting. I can sense these things and I thought for sure..."

"Who knows?" I responded. "Maybe in 10 days or so we'll have something to celebrate, but for now, I'm just happy to be on the road to better health."

I should also mention that Pam saw me six days ago and did not notice any glowing.

So, that happened. Why would such a nugget, such a comment, after almost two years of someone never saying that to me or suspect that I was expecting saying it now, during my first real TWW, the first time that pregnancy is a real possibility? It doesn't seem fair.

I go to the bathroom, wipe, check my toilet paper like a good Cr.eighton user, and the CM has a red tinge to it. I wipe again, and there is blood. Like, a blob of it (ew gross, I know, sorry!). Then my heart just explodes. What on earth is this? Could this be implantation bleeding? What the actual...?

I run to my coworker's office and shut the door (she is an amazing friend too). I spill all of this on her. She gets teary, and we just don't know what to say or do. She asks if we can pray together (which we hadn't done before, but we both know the other is a faithful person), so we do, and she gives up to God the most wonderful prayer. I wish I had recorded it. She did such a great job of asking God to give us hope but to also protect us at the same time and to trust in His plan and His will, whatever it may be. All I could add at the end was a choked up "Amen" and thanked God for her as a friend.

So, all of that happened. And my trusty group of fellow Catholic IF sisters on Facebook quickly came to my aid when I gushed all of this on Facebook. Someone Googled implantation bleeding for me, and it is possible. Someone else mentioned that on Clomid, mid-cycle bleeding can happen, and many hopes had been raised when it was just Clomid doing crazy things.

So... did I have a moment/20 minutes today where I thought, finally, this could be happening to us? Absolutely. But I've calmed down a little bit. I quickly Googled "Clomid bleeding" and found a little bit of anecdotal stuff (old message board posts and the like) that said that it's also very possible that the bleeding is from Clomid. So that grounded me a little. But then I had to call my BFF (has a 6 week old after a year and a half of IF and Clomid) to fill her in, and she said she was getting goosebumps and was excited for us! But she was also understanding of my need to protect my heart, and she reminded me that no matter what the outcome of this cycle is, it will hopefully be a cycle, and that is progress. She is so right.

So, here I type with a heart open and hopeful that these signs mean something, but I think I'm going to bed with a realistic outlook that these signs mostly likely do not point to pregnancy, and I'm OK with that. The bleeding has continued (I am using a pad currently), but it's not exactly a flow either, so who knows.

If I start getting more signs, I don't know if I can handle it, and I can't help but question God why I would have to experience all of this today and maybe more in the next few days. What good comes out such an exercise?

I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...

1. Google pregnancy symptoms
2. Switch up my eating/drinking patterns
3. Take a pregnancy test
4. Be upset when AF arrives
5. Lose hope that God might have something miraculous up his sleeve this month

God, please don't play with my heart any more this cycle. Today was too much. I really am trying to play it cool and not freak out about this first TWW. Please give me at least one cycle where I don't get my hopes up and lose realistic expectations. I'm still praying for patience, peace, and a new cycle where we can hopefully get me healthier. I don't understand why I would be given signs that make my heart explode like today. What good is to come of that? Why do I need to experience that? Please protect my heart; don't let me expose it to unnecessary disappointment, especially when I'm trying to keep a level head. (Of course, if Your will this cycle is a pregnancy, then THY WILL BE DONE! But please, if that is not Your will, spare my heart.)

My First Two Week Wait

So, the Clomid appears to be working, as I had several days of really great CM last week. Timing intercourse? Not a problem! It looks like Friday was my peak day, so I'll go in this Friday for my first "real" P+7 blood draw. (I went in once in August for a P+7, but I really didn't have a build up of fertile CM, and it wasn't really a peak day.)

While I still just want to have a cycle, I can't help but hope a little that maybe we'll be one of those (annoying) couples who have the story that "once we started Clomid, we got pregnant right away." And while I think it's good to have that sort of hope, I'm well aware from the blogs of all my IF sisters that TWWs are dangerous, and I need to be very careful.

I don't mean that my IF sisters have not been careful - quite the opposite! I've read a lot of posts about all the symptoms they experienced. They had every reason to believe that it was really happening to them, finally. I've also read the after-posts when it didn't happen, and it just breaks my heart for them every time. I'm so worried that I will be the same as them (why wouldn't I be?), and I just want to protect my heart.

I hereby promise that during this TWW I will not...

1. Google pregnancy symptoms
2. Switch up my eating/drinking patterns
3. Take a pregnancy test
4. Be upset when AF arrives
5. Lose hope that God might have something miraculous up his sleeve this month.

I simply have had too much medical challenge up to this point for Clomid to be the last missing piece. I know that in my brain. My heart can't help but dream and hope that this part of the journey is almost over. And, it still might be almost over. I'd consider a healthy pregnancy in the next six months as "almost over."

Anyway, I enter this TWW with one foot in the "hoping for pregnancy" area and the other in the "hoping for AF" area. We'll see how good I am at actually guarding this heart of mine.

God, this TWW thing is new to me this month! Thank You for allowing us to get this far... things like AF and TWWs are parts of the IF journey that I haven't really experienced so far. I trust in You, and I know You can do great things. You know our hearts and our intentions. Please help us feel Your presence during these next 10-14 days and rejoice in whatever outcome awaits us this cycle. Please comfort my sisters in IF who are hurting so deeply this week because of this cross of IF and the pain that comes with it. Mary, my advocate and best friend, be with me and my sisters in IF this week and always.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Omaha...

So last week I was in Chicago for a training. The timing wasn't good, because we were going to move the following weekend from our apartment to a duplex, but I really needed to attend this training for work. On Friday, it wrapped up a little early, so I hurried to the airport to try to get on an earlier flight. Well, United wouldn't let me select the earlier flight at check-in, so I thought I'd get through security and see if I could talk to someone at the gate.

Well, I couldn't get on that earlier flight because it was cancelled. Bad weather in Chicago. So, I pony up to a bar with a glass of wine and my laptop to get work done before my flight.

Long story short, my flight gets cancelled too! Crap crap crap. I've got to get home! Our apartment was maybe 30% packed when I left, and the movers come Saturday morning at 8am! KK needs me!

So I'm waiting in United's customer service line, which is a mile long, and I catch wind of a phone number to call for assistance that will take less time. I call the number and learn that the earliest they can get me to Omaha is 6pm on Saturday. Um, no. There are no other options: no flights to Des Moines or Kansas City, nothing. Crap crap crap. I have to get home!

"Anyone want to take a road trip to Omaha?" I asked half-jokingly in the customer service line.

"I do!" one lady said. My first impression of her was a non-threatening one, and the thought of having someone to help me drive was very appealing.

So the United person transferred me to a car rental agency, and I started to book a car. The agent asked, "How many people will be in the car?"

"How many people will be in the car?" I asked the line.

The answer ended up being four. A young couple had joined us.

With a rental car locked and loaded, the group of strangers, led by moi, started on the road to Omaha around 9pm. We all found all sorts of things to talk about. The solo gal who lives/works in Omaha, and the couple was from New York City and had a wedding in Omaha on Saturday. No one was overly weird or unpleasant.

Seven hours later (4am), we dropped the couple off at their hotel in downtown Omaha, returned the car to the Omaha airport, and then I drove my new Omaha friend home so her husband didn't have to wake up and get her that early. I made it back to our apartment a little after 5am, and I packed and packed and moved and moved until 4pm that day. Then I crashed.

That experience is probably the closest I'll ever get to hitchhiking (the idea has always intrigued me, but I'll never ever do it). Here's to a spirit of adventure! I'm just glad KK didn't have to deal with the movers alone. It wouldn't have gone well, and it wouldn't have been fair to anyone involved.

Appointment Recap

This was me when my doctor told me yesterday that it's time to start Clomid.

Yup. A plan! There's a plan! The Clomid should help me ovulate. Could we actually be TTC for real for the very first time in about week or so? Crazy! Now, given that my body has done all sorts of not-so-hopeful things over the last two years, I'm not getting my hopes up, but they are elevated slightly. I'm up for hoping for a period, but I still can't think about much else. Just a period will do for now, y'all. We're considering this CD 6, and if I don't have a period by CD 35, I can call the doctor to figure out what to do. 30 days of waiting? I can handle that. I think the hardest two things this last time were the backwards progress and having to wait so long to figure out what to do.

She also prescribed testosterone to help with my low libido. KK and I are both thrilled about that. Movin' right along!

At least for now. I'll take it!

Mary, thank you for advocating for me. God, thank you for answering my prayers.

Pre-appointment Prayer

God, I go in for my 3 month post-op appointment tomorrow. I've waited 3 months and a few weeks for the chance to see my doctor post surgery to find out what's next. I had the highest high one month after surgery when I got my period. Now 75 days and one progesterone shot later, I am still waiting for the next one, and I'm in one of my lowest lows. I'm afraid to hear what the doctor is going to say. I'm afraid I'll be told to continue to wait. I'm afraid the action plan will be very little action. I'm afraid whatever action is taken will not result in conception. I'm afraid there is still a very long road to parenthood ahead of us that might not even lead us to this fulfilled desire. I'm afraid I will go to all these efforts to make something physically happen that was never meant to be. I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid.

I place all my fears, all the uncertainties, all the pain into the hands of my dear mother and friend, Mary. I pray for courage to continue to seek better health, for the ability to cope with this burden with grace, and for continued faith that there is a divine plan in all of this that my human brain cannot comprehend.

Please, Mary, take my intentions and lay them at the feet of Jesus. Amen.

Thankful

It hasn't been a good month for me on the Fertility Front... today is cycle day 75, and I don't think I even have to explain how disappointing it is. I was able to go in a week ago for a progesterone shot to try to get things started. Two nights ago, I noticed light spotting, but then yesterday, all it was was light spotting. By bedtime last night, it was gone, and there's nothing this morning. I see my doctor on Thursday for my 3 month post-op appointment, and I pray that I leave with some sort of plan besides just waiting.

So... clearly infertility sucks. I wish we didn't have to deal with this. Last night, while reading Magnificat at bedtime with KK, it hit me that, holy cow, do I have a lot to be grateful for. It's so easy for me to ask God why this is happening, why is He doing this to me. But it's a little harder to remember that even with this really crappy situation related to parenthood, He has blessed me in 101 ways and counting.

My faith. I don't know where I'd be without my faith and dealing with IF. Since we struggle so much with it day-to-day, I don't know how folks without faith cope. There is so much comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this. God knows my pain; He knows my heart and its desires to be a good person and a mother. I really do find hope and comfort that this suffering is making me a better person, preparing me for something great that I don't know about yet.

My husband. Not to put KK on the same tier as God, but I don't know where I'd be without him either. It is very sad to think that if he had picked another person to be his spouse, he could be a dad by now. If I had picked someone else, I would still be struggling with IF, no doubt. I'm so grateful that we are (mostly) on the same page with parenthood. We are ready to adopt. KK said yesterday that he wants to have our agency/plan picked out by the end of September. He supports my treatments. We finally figured out a way to make sure we are taking care of the P in SPICE (Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Communicative, Emotional intimacy with each other). We have started scheduling bedroom time to make sure we are intimate in that way twice a week. My low testosterone has really been affecting us in that area, but so far, so good with this scheduling thing.

Also, we are visiting with our priest this Thursday to talk to him about our struggle with infertility and the issues we are navigating as a couple. He wants to talk to a priest about this! This guy has been Catholic for two years, and he's cool with talking to a priest since we couldn't get into the counselor at PP.VI together. I'm so grateful that he's the man and partner he is and that we have our faith together to cope with infertility.

My brain and body. Yes, my body, even though a small part of it isn't functioning right. I'm very glad that I have a healthy heart and other organs. I'm glad I'm able-bodied and can exercise, run, and just do basic things every day. My brain gets me in trouble sometimes, but it allows my body to function well (overall), and it allows me to have a great job.

My job. I really do love my job. It's the right mix of challenge and reward. I am very fairly compensated, and that has made my student loans nearly disappear, and we are confident that we can adopt without going into debt. I'm very grateful that I've made it to this point in my career. With a social work background, I had pretty much planned on not-so-great salaries for the bulk of my career. I'm glad I've found a different profession that still requires me to think like a social worker but doesn't pay me like one.

My family. They rock. We were in Denver this weekend with my parents for my cousin's wedding. My mom kept rubbing my arm during brunch one morning. "I'm just loving this, being here with you guys," she said. Everyone had a few drinks at the reception and made it to the dance floor, including my sweet parents, and I was about to pee my pants watching them dance together. Then, my dad, who isn't in the best of health, grabbed me by the arms and danced with me. It was wonderful. My sisters are great too, and I love my bro-in-law, nephews, and niece. They are all very supportive of us as a couple and our desire to be parents. One sister in particular has been a huge support since the very beginning of our IF journey.

There is so much more to be grateful for: my cooking skills, living so close to PP.VI, the ability to travel frequently for work and play, the duplex we're about to move into.

I just needed this post to remind myself that even though we are dealing with a big, complicated issue that has broken our hearts and bled into every corner of our lives, there is still so much good around us, and God is responsible for that. There is a plan here. I don't know what it is, but I find comfort in that someone knows what He's doing, and I trust Him.

God, simply, thanks. You do so much for me that I can see and am grateful for, but You also do so much behind the scenes that I'll never know or understand. Thank You for my faith, my husband, my family, my job, and my overall health. Help me to be wise with these gifts and never take them for granted. Help me to remember how blessed I really am, even when I'm at the lowest points of our infertility. I am looking forward to my doctor's visit on Thursday, and I beg You to let me leave the appointment with a plan that helps me with my patience and gives me hope. I give my gratitude and these intentions to Mary as my dearest friend and most trusted advocate.

Little Happies - Vol. 2 (& Cycle Update)

Happy Monday to y'all! I'm happy to share my Little Happies today, hosted by Blessed to Be.

-one-

There is this great little store on the internet called Hel.lo Holiday, and they are located in Omaha! I love finding little goodies on there and picking them up in person so I don't have to pay shipping. They had $20 grab bags for sale, so I scooped up one up and got these great finds! The scissors necklace is a little weird, but I love the scarf. I actually bought it for my sister earlier this year, so now I have it too! I've worn both already. The scissors are actually very pointy, and I could easily use them to stab someone if I ever felt like it/needed to.

-two-

That's a birthday bundlet, y'all. The bakery? No.thing Bundt Cakes in Omaha. The occasion? Kris Kringle's 33rd birthday. It snuck up on me, sort of. I offered a birthday dinner to KK, and he chose my awesome veggie enchiladas, but I didn't think ahead. The eve of his birthday, I had no ingredients! I flexed my schedule on his birthday and went to the grocery store, threw it all in the slow cooker, and found him a kegerator for his big present! I told him I needed him to get the condiments I forgot in the car. He was not happy about that but went down to get them, and I watched from the window as he opened the garage door and the car trunk and then just stared at the big unmarked box. I ran down and yelled, "Surprise! It's a kegerator!" The confusion melted off his face. I knew I scored because he kept commenting all night, "I can't believe I have a kegerator!" I also got him some old records of Jimmy Buffett and George Harrison. It was a good birthday!

-three-

I won't go into much detail because I already wrote a whole blog post about it, but I consecrated myself to Mary last week, and it was life changing. Already, I'm finding myself calling on Mary in trying moments when in the past, I had struggled to call on anyone. This is great!

-four-

KK and I had Date Day in Lincoln on Saturday, we visited a few local breweries and went to a beer tasting a historical foundation. The weather was perfect, and we had a lot of fun. That's the state capitol peeking out from behind the trees. It was construction in 1922-1932, and I just love the "date" of the architecture.

-five-

(warning: this isn't mine!)

Amy at This Cross I Embrace announced her pregnancy, 8 years after starting TTC. Her blog was the first IF blog I found, and I followed it quietly for months before finding other blogs and starting my own. She has had a huge impact on how I am trying to cope with IF, and to know that this very special blessing was given to her and her husband make my heart swell. There is nothing but happiness in my heart for them. I think I'm at a point in my journey where I no longer believe it will happen for us, but it does give me hope that after years of wanting this and moving into a "later stage" of acceptance, miracles do happen. I look forward to following her in this new chapter, and I will continue to pray for her health and the health of all my sisters in IF.

Coming up this week... I hope I hear back from my doctor this week. I had one day of change in my CM that warranted a white baby sticker, and my FCP said that would be considered a peak day. So last Wednesday, I went in for a P+7 blood draw. Do I really think it was a peak day? No, but I did not want to wait another 2+ weeks to see my doctor and do nothing until then. Hopefully they'll take a look. I'd love to get started on some progesterone so I could try to trigger a bleed. I'm on CD 66 or something like that. Le sigh.

Update! I received an email from PP.VI about the blood draw: Hi Chella, You have not ovulated yet per the results (duh!)....the progesterone was lower at <.20 and estradiol 5.3. She would like you to come in for a progesterone injection to try and get your cycle started. You can do this anytime this week. You would call the office to set up an appointment for the 200mg injection of progesterone. Your menses would start within 2 weeks. Thanks and let me know if you have any questions....

Aside from the poor use of ellipses (yes, this is me), I'll take it. I'm a little nervous that we are about to start the sequel to what we did in January 2013-September 2013 - round after round of progesterone (with or without estradiol) to try to trigger a bleed that will never ever come. But, I'll give it the ol' college try.

Who Has Two Thumbs & is Newly Consecrated to Mary?

This girl!

Happy Feast of the Assumption of Mary, y'all! Today has been a beautiful day so far, and it has to do with the BIG NEWS that I consecrated myself to the Blessed Virgin Mary for the first time today!

Sadly, I had never heard of Marian Consecration until a little over a year ago, when the book 33 Days to Morning Glory was offered at our parish in Kansas City. I picked it up and read along, but it was the first time I was learning about it, and I really struggled to wrap my brain around it. Could I really turn everything over to Mary? Shouldn't I be talking to God, Jesus, and the saints too?

I picked up the book again several weeks ago and decided I'd give it another go in time to consecrate myself on the Feast of the Assumption. I made it through, although not perfectly. I didn't pack it for our canoe trip, so I had some catching up to do when I got back to civilization. But, page by page, I made it through, and my heart was opened to the idea a little more each day. Some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time (St. Mother Teresa and St. John Paul II) consecrated themselves to Mary... couldn't I do the same and just try to live up to it? About 10 days ago, I knew I'd go through with it, and I even bought my very first veil, thinking that I would wear it in front of the Blessed Sacrament during consecration and during Adoration in the future, as mini-renewal of my promise to Mary. 

Thankfully, I read ahead a little in the book several nights ago and learned that Mass and confession was recommended before consecration. (Had I just followed along day-by-day, I would have learned the morning of consecration at best!) This helped me plan ahead, further prepare my heart, and get excited. One of the recommendation was to get a Miraculous Medal, but I didn't have time to arrange for that ahead of time, but I will look into securing one.

I woke up this morning, super excited to give my heart to Mary! That's how I knew for sure that I was ready and this was right for me. The feeling reminded me of the day that I quit smoking 7+ years ago. I had read a book to prepare me for that big change too, and when I had made it through the book, I couldn't wait to make it official and just quit. Today, I woke up and couldn't wait to make it official with Mary.

I had a wonderful confession with a priest who was so very supportive of my consecration and really took the time to offer a little spiritual guidance with each major sin/issue. Then, Mass was great. KK took his lunch break to join me. He converted to the Catholic faith just over 2 years ago, so Holy Days of Obligation and the special role of Mary are still tough for him, but he goes anyway, and I really appreciate that and admire that in him.

Then, after the church had cleared out, I went into the side chapel where there is 24 hour Eucharist Adoration takes place, donned my veil for the first time, and started my consecration. I prayed several consecration prayers: the one Fr. Michael Gaitley wrote in the book, and the prayers of St. Louis de Montfort, St. Maximilian Kolbe, and one that I wrote myself. My prayer isn't complete, but it was from my heart, so I prayed it and will pray it again and again.

The book continues after consecration and finally explains a few things, including answers to a few questions I had the entire time, like 1) What if I forget to remember Mary at times, and 2) Can I still pray to God and Jesus directly? (The answers were very comforting. It's OK to no remember Mary at all times; the consecration allows for that. Also, yes! You can still pray directly to God, Jesus, any Saint!) I really wish the book had tackled these at the very beginning. I think it would have enriched my experience, but that's OK. I just recommend that anyone who is thinking about using the book to guide them to Marian Consecration read the consecration portion at the beginning instead of waiting for it to come up in order.

So... yep! My heart is Mary's and she's given me hers! I feel like we've traded BFF necklaces, and it feels great.

Dear Mary, today I ask you to accept my entire heart to bring glory to God and strengthen my relationship with Jesus. My heart isn't perfect; it needs some work. But it is genuine in its desire to be a better person that is more pleasing to God. Please accept me as a friend, someone that you will happily support through the trials of life. I also entrust my good works, prayers, and intentions to you to do with what you will. I trust that your grace will fall on me and on others in the most beautiful way to glorify God. 

In return, I accept your entire heart to bring glory to God and strengthen my relationship with Jesus. With you as a friend, by my side, I know I will be stronger and able to align my heart and my actions closer to what Jesus desires for me. Help me to remember how God has acted through you to bring the greatest good into the world: Jesus Christ. Through you today and in the future, God will continue to bring good to the world, and I pray that I receive even the smallest portion of that good.

As we trade these spiritual BFF necklaces today, I pledge my love to your son, Christ Jesus, your spouse, the Holy Spirit, and also to God, our heavenly father. Let's promise to stick together through thick and thin, good and bad, tears and laughter. 

Your faithful friend, Chella

Little Happies - For the Very First Time!

Enough doom and gloom on here. C'mon get happy! Stephanie at Blessed to Be hosts Little Happies every Monday, and it's about time I jumped in. It's time to look back on the last few weeks and be thankful for the good stuff, because I really do have a blessed a life, and my blog should reflect that often! I think you're encouraged to pick 5 things to highlight, but I'm going a little overboard this week.

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This is on the water at Madeline Island. My best friend from high school had just tied the knot, and KK and I went out the water on these paddle boards to make a memory. The water was so calm. It was like floating on glass. This photo reminds me that KK and I are meant to be, and we can do great things in this life as long as we are together.

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This was the beautiful sunrise we experienced during our last day on the water on our amazing trip in the Boundary Waters. I'm reminded of the splendor of our world, and how lucky I am to experience it with all my senses and my able body every day. The trip was so fun. All we did was paddle, eat, set up/take down camp, and enjoy each other's company. I just want to go back!

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Tell me you see them: the faint yet totally there tan lines from my Teva sandals! Normally, the only tan lines I get in the summer are from running. But these... these are from vacation! Looking at them reminds me that our trip was real! I will be so sad when I look down one time and realize they aren't there anymore. Now, thanks to Little Happies, then will forever be in my blog, in case I need to remember that they were real!

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Three cheers for impromptu date night! I had a crazy and long week at work. Once I finally snapped shut my laptop around 6:30 on Friday, I headed over to our local grocery store for a beer tasting KK had arranged. (He's the Beer Specialist there for 8-ish hours a week for fun.) We decided to eat at the deli there, and then we decided to walk down to the movie theater to see Guardians of the Galaxy. Sweet-man-that's-a-tree, it was so good! One of the nice things about being a family of two is the ability to just decide whenever to do something you want to do - no worrying about if it's kid-friendly or if you can get a sitter.

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That's an iced mocha for him, a coffee (caramel flavored, no syrup) with almond milk for me. After mass, I suggested to KK that we go get coffee before running errands. We ended up sitting down and talking for almost an hour about serious stuff: our faith, adoption, the frustrations of infertility. KK shared that at work, his patients and their families ask him all the time if he has kids. He seriously gets asked several times a day. I didn't know he was dealing with that. I get asked that once a month max. I don't know how he does it. Please keep him in your prayers. I'm grateful that the coffee break made us really talk about some serious items. It set the stage for a wonderful Sunday together. 

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We bought this card/dice game at Wal-mart today. It was an impulse buy. The game itself wasn't incredibly fun. The rules were poorly written and confusing. We couldn't figure out how we were supposed to tally scores (I promise we are smart people), so we ended up playing for two hours until we finally called the game (I "won"). But in those two hours, we just enjoyed each other's company, made each other laugh, and listed to our Jimmy Buffett channel on Pandora. I'm grateful for the time we spent on Sunday just being with each other.

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This is me at the gym this morning! After a long time away from home and then the gym being closed for cleaning all last week (seriously, who does that), I was able to get physical with the weights. I've never been a big lifter. I've always preferred running and then supplementing with short HIIT (high-intensity interval training) workouts, but since I don't know when I'll get to train for a long-distance race again (or anything really), I started a 12-week weight lifting program for beginners about a month post-op. I've been pretty good staying with it. I've missed a workout here/there, but I'm going back in time to the week I left home so I can really work through the whole program. It's good to be back in a habit I really enjoy.

I'm looking forward to documenting this week and taking a stab at another round of Little Happies. Here's to a positive week for all of you!

Why (Not) Me?

Dear God, I know it's unusual for me to start with a prayer, but my heart is hurting so much and I just want to shout from the edge of the world to You: WHY? Why me? Why us? Why must we carry this cross? Why can't it be us that has the blessing of pregnancy? Why can't we glorify You through parenthood? What am I supposed to learn from this that I haven't already?

That about sums me up lately. Let's see... today is CD 53, and it's Yellow Stamp City, population me. That means I have seen absolutely no change in my cervical mucus this entire cycle. You know that great 80's hit, Opposites Attract? I'm Paula Abdul, and my reproductive system is that gross, weird cat that makes a mess, smokes, and steals the covers.

Two steps forward, two steps back. (Only when we get together, it DOES NOT seem to work out.)

There's so much I've been wanting to blog about and just haven't because life. Here they are in bullet form.

• I surprised Kris Kringle with tickets to Paul McCartney. I made it a treasure hunt. He woke up to clues and had to find the tickets. He found the tickets in a book of Sir Paul's poetry/lyrics with a letter telling him that our reality is really tough in so many ways, but for one night, let's celebrate that we aren't parents and can purchase tickets and take off for some fun on a whim. Paul McCartney is an amazing performer, and I was blown away by how many songs of his were played in 3 hours that have impacted my life in profound ways. (Fun Fact: A pianist played Let It Be during our wedding when we presented flowers to The Virgin.) It was a wonderful night, and KK was very touched. If you have the chance to see Sir Paul, RUN! Get tickets NOW! The man was incredible and didn't quit for 3 hours.
• We had an incredible vacation that included the wedding of my best friend from high school on Madeline Island in Lake Superior (gorgeous, so happy for him), a SERIOUS canoe trip through the Boundary Waters Canoe Area in Northern Minnesota (SERIOUS = peeing in the woods, no charting and no civilization for 4 days), an overnight in Grand Marais, MN (cute!), and an overnight in Duluth, MN (always fun). I really hope I write a nice post about this someday because it was wonderful, I have great photos, and it would be nice to post about non-IF things sometimes.
• We had a meeting with an adoption agency 3 weeks ago. At the time, we felt overwhelmed and not ready to add that mess of no control to our lives. During vacation, KK shared with me that his heart is prepared and ready for an adopted child, no matter what happens with our fertility issues. I cried with joy that we were on the same page, because I feel like my heart has prepared a spot for an adopted child too, no matter what. It felt like we crossed from trying to get pregnant to trying to become parents, and I welcome the uncertainty of that journey because -well- we're already on a journey of uncertainly with pregnancy, why not throw a few more logs on the fire?
• I'll be 3 months post-op next week. I'm hoping I can remember to try to get into my doc and get some answers since SUPER AWESOME MEGA PERIOD came almost two months ago and I'm stuck with a whole bunch of hopeless pre-op yellow stamp bull honkey. I did cry a ton today because I am beyond overwhelmed with work (yes, I've only been back from vacation two days), but maybe that means AF is on her way (doubt it).
• I'm preparing to consecrate myself to Mary this month. I've prepared once before, but I didn't go through with it because it felt like such a big commitment, and I wasn't sure if I could honor it. It's also been a little tough preparing with vacation and distractions, but I feel like I'm still on track. I'm hopeful that I will indeed give Mary my heart later this month and use weekly time with the Holy Eucharist to renew my commitment on a regular basis.

Clearly, I'm in this weird space of using humor to express my pain. I'm really in pain, even though we recently discerned the call to adopt, which is very wonderful, exciting news. I'm hurting. I'm this really awful place of, "Why do I care? What does it matter? Screw parenthood. I'm not deserving. It will never happen. Might as well get used to a life without children. No need to get hopes up; they will come crashing down soon; God makes certain of that."

And also, just a general but heartfelt thank you to those who have left comments on my blog. I do read them, appreciate them, and find comfort and strength in them. I try my best to return the support and strength, in comments and in prayers. Finding a community through this blog and some Facebook groups has really helped me, and I'm grateful for virtual yet genuine friendships.

God, thanks for helping me remember through writing this post that I do have things to look forward to and be grateful for: the exploration of adoption, a visit with my doctor soon, and opportunities to connect with my spouse. I hurt, I really do. Help to me to "trade hearts" with Mary as I prepare for consecration: help me to give her my heart and happily accept hers so that I am brought closer to You. Please help this new relationship and commitment to Our Lady calm my hurt and ease this burden.

Tulips & Beer

We just pulled the trigger and put a deposit down a really big, awesome vacation for next March/April: a river cruise in the Netherlands to see the tulips and visit breweries!

I am so excited, but this is bringing out mixed feelings for me.

First, I hesitated to book the trip. What if I'm pregnant by then (7 months from now)? What if I'm pregnant and sick? What if we're waiting to adopt and we get the call? What if, what if, what if?

Well, I am not going to live in the Land of What If. I refuse to stop living because parenthood is an unknown for us. Months ago, we hesitated to book a camping trip we're taking in a week because I might be pregnant by then. Well, here we are, and I'm not pregnant!

And that's the next feeling... I don't believe I will be pregnant by the time we leave for this trip. I just don't believe it. Can miracles happen in the next 7 months? Of course, I do believe in that. But it's very hard to describe how I just cannot imagine myself ever taking a pregnancy test, let alone one that reveals a positive!

And the next feeling is an awful one that I hate to admit I have. I announced our vacation on Facebook as if it were a baby announcement. No photo of a positive pregnancy test or an ultrasound, just the above field of tulips. Take that, friends with kids that can't afford the money or time for a vacation like this because of your lifestyle now! I fight feelings of sadness and jealousy every time one of you announces you're pregnant or complains about your baby exhausting you! I hope you feel a twinge of jealousy at what we get to experience that you can't because you are experiencing something we can't. Every. Single. Day.

And I hate that I feel that way. It's certain Facebook friends that know our situation and post about the trials of parenthood more than the joys that really bother me. I truly enjoy seeing photos of my friends enjoying their children and treasuring the gift. But I did enjoy feeling like I had something special for once, something others would envy. And that's just not healthy. At the end of the day, I flaunted something very material, nothing of true value or meaning. It's a hollow attempt to feel better about the void that infertility has created in my life.

And... breathe. This is going to be a special trip for us, and we are going to look forward to it and enjoy it.

God, it's exciting that we booked a really cool trip today. Thank you for the careers that allow us to afford such a special trip that will surely enrich our marriage. Please, help me to find hope. I'm really in a slump. I just can't picture us with kids, and it hurts and is very sad. Help us to stay strong together and to rely on You. I almost want to begin to ask You to lessen burden of infertility by taking away our calling to be parents. I'm starting to wonder if that's the answer and support I should be asking for. But, I'm not there yet, so please don't take that as a request!

Screw This Storm, Seriously

Can I just say that I'm so glad the 4th of July is over because that means that my neighbors who clearly don't have to wake up remotely early for anything will quit blowing up fireworks while I'm trying to sleep and be ready for work in the morning?

We met our nephew last weekend! He is wonderful. We both treasured every second and were so very happy for KK's brother and sister-in-law. They are aware of our troubles and were very supportive. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend (although I didn't get enough of the baby)!

In IF Land, here's what I've been up to.

CD 1 (June 14)

CD 24 (Today)

How cute! AF must be right around the corner for her! If that's what you're thinking, oh how I wish it were! But nope, I'm nowhere near AF, and that's why I'm in a funk. I'm better today than I was a few days ago, but this seriously bites. To get AF a month to the day after my surgery after going so long without a cycle was amazing! It felt too good to be true! Now, I feel like I dreamed it, because for the last 2+ weeks, all I've charted are a bunch of ugly, stupid, non-eventful yellow stamps after 9 days of AF. That means 1) the infertile mucus pattern continues, and 2) I haven't seen any fertile mucus this cycle, and I'm CD 26. This is a letdown. Two steps forward, two steps back.

My brain gets it. My body is still trying to find its new normal, and it's not at all uncommon for it to take months for the body to "settle down" into a pattern after a surgery like this. But it was totally mean to get a cycle so quickly and then be left hanging like this. I don't deserve this. And I can't help but ask why I'm back to my pre-op holding pattern - what was going so well those first few weeks that isn't working now?

I don't deserve this right now. The reality is that none of us dealing with IF deserve any of this. This isn't about whether or not we deserve it, but it makes it that much harder for me to handle it. Human me is searching for a cause for why this cycle is different. I review my diet, activities, stress levels, etc., and none of this adds up. Why, why, why, why, why?

Magnificat had a few nuggets of wisdom for me the other day. Specifically, the gospel on July 1 was about Jesus calming the storm, and the daily reflection by St. Pio of Pietrelcina was especially timely. "Stay in the boat in which he has placed you, and let the storm come. Long live Jesus!; you will not perish. He may sleep, but at the opportune time he will awaken to restore your calm." After meditating about that, I said to myself, "OK, God. You're in charge. I'm in this storm whether I like it or not, but You're here with me. I'm going to sit my butt back down in this boat and trust that you'll keep me safe."

What I'm really struggling with today and lately is that one can trust in Him and have faith that with God, the storm will pass, but that doesn't mean that what is ailing you will go away when you want it to, or ever. I want to be a mom, but there is no guarantee that the outcome after this storm will be parenthood. There's a difference between calm and hope. Calm during IF doesn't necessarily translate into hope during IF. I'm doing OK sitting in the boat and believe that I will survive this with God's help, but I'm not buying that being on the boat with God will lead to parenthood. And, as far as I can tell, that's absolutely correct, because no one ever promised me that I would experience parenthood. However, this reality still frickin' sucks and I hate it. There is no embracing of this cross lately, just looking at it with disgust and dragging it along because I have no other choice. I'm like the kid that was dragged to go along on errands. I have no choice, and I hate it.

God, I am sitting in the bottom of this boat with You, and I hate it. I can't help it today; I hate it. I'm glad You're here with me, I truly am, but I'm pretty pissed that this is the storm You've asked me to endure. I am sitting here with the ugliest look on my face, my arms crossed, my heart racing with anger. I don't understand why I received such a hopeful sign last month and now I'm experiencing the opposite. It feels cruel, mean, and completely unfair. What is it going to take to become a parent? I know there's no answer to that question, and that's making it worse for me right now. Please let this phase of anger and disappointment pass quickly, and help me find hope in this storm again. I know You will keep us safe and we do trust in You, but trusting in You doesn't automatically lead to parenthood. I get that, but it's a hard pill for me to swallow right now. Please dull my desire to be a parent and help me to find the beauty in this boat that I'm stuck on.

Period, We Meet Again

I got my period this morning. For the very first time since coming off the pill 19.5 months ago, naturally for the very first time since being on the pill for 8 years. A month to the date of my surgery to remove endometriosis and have a double ovarian wedge resection. I can't believe it.

After surgery, all I've asked for is to get my period. I couldn't even dream about more than that. My hope-ometer is off the charts. I was so worried that I would continue to have amenorrhea, and I am so so happy and thankful that my period came and so quickly after surgery. It really is like the surgery reset my cycle. 

This week was a tough one for a lot of different reasons. Serious work drama, a house we wanted to rent falling through (I melted down when I told Kris Kringle what happened), and a very sad, sorrowful meltdown when we hung out with friends who brought their toddlers along on our outing unexpectedly. (I held it in until we were on our way home. I just wanted what they have so bad.)  All week I wasn't sure if I was really this upset about things or if it meant something. All week I wasn't sure if my breasts really hurt a little or if I was imagining it. Every night when charting, I counted the days past what looked like peak day, and I dared to hope.

I'm so grateful for all the extra prayers I'm receiving this month because of Adopt-a-Blogger. The surge really helped, and I can't wait to pay it forward to Miss July. Mass tomorrow will be offered up in thanksgiving for today, for all those who are praying for me, and for other women who are also post-op and waiting for their period to come.

God, You are so good to me! I can't believe it! Thank you, thank you, thank you for my awesome medical team, my healing body, and your constant presence through all of this. The look on KK's face when I told him was amazing, and we are so grateful. Every sign that my body is healing and my health is changing is noticed and appreciated. Na.Pro is truly a gift from You. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. Please pass this same blessing on to other women who are in my situation, waiting for signs that their body is on the way to a new, hopeful normal as they recover from their procedures.

Seeing Life Through IF-colored Glasses

The last week or so has been incredibly busy - a conference in Minneapolis that was great (but I didn't really get a weekend), diving back into work (and all the stress that goes with it), a true weekend with fun stuff with Kris Kringle, and a very sad, troubling conflict with my sister. I finally made it over to my blogroll yesterday and caught up on the blogs I like to follow. I read a post at Making God Laugh yesterday, and my mind was blown, seriously.

Seriously.

So polkadot's blog post was about IF in the movies, and she focused on Up and  Julie & Julia. I really liked both of those movies. She shared images and scenes from the movies, and these two were what really brought me to a new understanding of IF and how I really need to be compassionate when people who haven't experienced IF say something that hurts me.

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As I mentioned, I've seen both of these movies and really liked them. However, I haven't seen either movie since we started experiencing IF 18 months ago. I didn't remember either of these scenes until reading the blog post yesterday. It is almost like, at the time of viewing the movies, I was fertile. Meaning, I hadn't experienced IF yet and watched the movies through the lens that children would come easily to us. Both cases of suffering related to the inability to have children were such a footnote in the plot for me that I don't even remember their significance in the story lines.

We haven't experienced the moment that the couple in Up are experiencing. We haven't suffered a miscarriage or been told we won't be able to have children on our own. My heart dropped when polkadot's blog post caused me to remember the Julie & Julia scene when Julia gets a letter that her sister is pregnant and weeps while telling her husband that's she happy. That exact scene played out for KK and me last fall when we learned that KK's brother and sister-in-law were expecting (it was a phone call, a letter would be very old-timey, no?). Only yesterday did I draw this parallel. If I saw these movies for the first time in the last 18 months, the significance of these scenes would not be lost on me, I'd probably cry along with the characters because I get it now. Holy moly, do I get it now. Mind blown.

What I'm Taking Away From This

I've joined a few Facebook groups recently for Catholics dealing with IF and Catholics practicing NFP (and successfully achieving or avoiding pregnancy). The IF group is a safe place for people to (among other things) express their grief over their IF. This often includes reactions to comments, baby announcements, etc., and the comments/announcements often come from the NFP group where pregnancy seems to happen so easily all the time (I know that's a generalization). I've even shared a few of my recent experiences, including one where a lady at a party asked me three questions in the first minute of meeting her: 1) do we have kids, 2) how long have we been married, and 3) are we going to have kids ever. Plus, the images of a positive pregnancy test from the NFP group are new to my Facebook feed, and I find myself getting irritated instantly. I'm grateful for the groups and believe there is value in having a safe space to vent about the struggles and grief of IF (hence the blog of course), but since following these groups, I feel like I am getting more sensitive to comments from people who, like me watching Up and Julie & Julia before I actually began to actively experience IF, simply don't have the same perspective of me as someone in the throes of IF, and they can't be forced to look at the world through IF-colored glasses.

I've come a long way since weeping with sadness about the news of my future niece/nephew. When we received the news that our newest family member had arrived just two weeks ago, we were excited, happy, and grateful that mama and baby were healthy. KK and I saw the first picture of the baby and genuinely smiled together, eyes shiny not because of jealousy or grief, but because God is good and gave us all this gift of this little life. I can't wait to meet him in two weeks.

So, starting now, I'm going to continue to allow myself to feel that twinge of pain in reaction to something said or something I've seen on Facebook. When I feel like it, I'll share that twinge with my Catholic IF connections on Facebook, but I won't blame that other person for their inability to see the world through IF-colored glasses. Instead, I'll say a prayer in thanksgiving for their good news or a prayer that next time such a comment, though not intended to hurt, is softened or rephrased to not be so bad. I'll also pray for the strength to let comments and situations roll off of me more often than they stick to me. And I'll be there for others who are forced to wear IF-colored glasses and comfort them when they are hurting. I doubt I will be perfect practicing this, but I'll try my very human best.

God, thank You for this mind-blowing revelation that has helped me see that those who don't suffer from IF aren't out to hurt me with their good news and comments. Help me to remember this from now on when I encounter remarks that seem insensitive and are hurtful. Help me to remember other crosses that others bear that I don't understand, and help me to chose words so that I don't communicate in ways that hurt others unintentionally and unnecessarily. For anyone experiencing the heartbreak of IF, please help them feel Your presence and find strength in You. Thank You for helping me get from weeping over the news of a new baby to rejoicing in his birth. I couldn't have done that without You. If You allow me to experience the world through parent-colored glasses someday, please don't let me forget what it's like to wear the IF-colored ones.

Miss June (Adopt-a-Blogger)

What a blessing. I have been selected as June's Blogger of the Month for the Adopt-a-Blogger Prayer Campaign, hosted by Amy at her blog, This Cross I Embrace. I can't tell you how honored and excited I am to receive the prayers of this wonderful network of faithful, kind-hearted people. The timing is really special too! Thank you to the person that nominated me, and please know that I am praying for previous Adopt-a-Bloggers and this little slice of the blogosphere that has helped me feel more hopeful and less alone on this journey.

We even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us. ~Romans 5:3-5

That was the scripture passage waiting for me when I opened my copy of Magnificat today, and it's very fitting given that I'm experiencing infertility and about to receive the prayers of this wonderful network for the month of June. This is certainly the most difficult affliction I've had to endure so far in this life. There is grace to be found here, and some days it's easier to find it than others.

I haven't always wanted to be a mother. Growing up, it was certainly part of my daydreams and imaginary play, but then I went through a "phase" where I didn't think about parenthood much. That changed when I knew I would marry my husband. I wanted the experience of parenthood with him, but we wanted it on our timeline. Unfortunately, we used hormonal birth control the first 3 years of our marriage. It still bothers me that we weren't truly introduced to NFP during our marriage prep work. We were both very ignorant about NPF and only had the unfair perception that mainstream society has about the efficacy of NFP.

About 18 months ago, we decided that we were ready to open ourselves up for parenthood, and I went off the pill. I'm still waiting to get my period 18 months later. I learned more about NFP, and we took the CCL class, but we still weren't convinced that seeing a doctor that adheres the teachings of the Church was the right move for us. However, after a terrible experience last April with an OB/GYN who refused to read my charts, put me on thyroid pills without running any tests first, and told me to come back only when I got a period, we were starving for a different approach. That's how we found our way to a Na.Pro doctor in the Kansas City area. We tried a few rounds of estradiol and progesterone to kickstart a period with no success, and I started taking T3. 

The next step in our journey was an unexpected, unbelievable job offer for me that would move us to the Omaha area. I started seeing Dr. K at PP.VI, and within 2 months of starting my relationship with her, I was put on the waiting list for a laparoscopy. I had the laparoscopy in March and received diagnoses of endometriosis and PCOD. 3 weeks ago, I had surgery to remove the endometriosis and have a double ovarian wedge resection. After over a year of losing hope because I had no answers to what was wrong, I was able to turn a corner and find comfort in having diagnoses and a treatment plan. Still waiting for that period, I'm more hopeful than ever that I will get healthier and we will be able to conceive. If we can't conceive naturally, then I pray it's in God's plan for us to become parents for a child that needs us.

I try to focus on the positive things that we've experienced on this journey. We finally understand and truly appreciate the Church's teaching about marriage and being open to life. We see children as what they truly are: gifts from God. They are not a commodity to schedule into your plans. We are amazed at how awesome a woman's body is and how practicing NFP has added so many more layers to our relationship. Like today's scripture passage, through this affliction, I have found great hope.

When you pray for me this month, please pray for continued healing and continued hope. Please pray that I am able to practice patience. Please pray that my husband and I continue to grow closer as we travel this road together. And, if you don't mind, please pray that I receive signs that my body is returning to a healthier state. I am so grateful for your prayers this month and always, and please know that I'm praying for each of you too.

God, thank you for helping me find this caring community and being selected to receive this influx of spiritual support from this group. Please keep these prayers warriors close to You. Many of these people have struggles similar to me, so please help them experience hope, peace, and closeness to You as they struggle with their own painful afflictions. Help us all to be examples to the abundant good that comes from trusting in You and laying our trials at the feet of Your Son.

Homewrecker

That's me. A homewrecker. Actually, Kris Kringle and I together are homewreckers. We just destroyed the beginnings of a nest for barn swallows for the second time this week. The irony of us squashing the dreams of a couple who just wants a family is not lost on me.

Photo courtesy of lisaandroger.com

Barn swallows like to build their nests on narrow ledges, and two of them decided the border around the balcony of our third floor apartments was a great spot. At first, it was cute. We'd notice them flying around and chirping to each other, but then the nest started. The bigger the nest got, the more territorial they got. We knocked it down once a few days ago (it wasn't even 10% complete), and then we had to do it again today (it was more like 15%-20% complete).

I feel like a jerk for doing it, but they made it pretty clear that we weren't going to be able to coexist out there. All we have is that that teeny little balcony for outdoor time in our apartment. They are pooping everywhere and hover like crazy if we even open the door and look outside.

After destroying the nest the first time, I immediately thought of the little bird couple who is just trying to do what they are wired to do naturally in order to have a family and be fulfilled, just like KK and me. What right do I have to go out there and tell them their plans are going to have to change? Who am I to tell that little couple that? What will this barrier to building their family do to their relationship, their existence?

Am I thinking too much about this?

Post-surgery update: I had my surgery two weeks ago today. I've been charting mostly 10C/10CK 1x-2x/day, but today and yesterday, I've experienced 10K/AD - I've never experienced that two days in a row before! KK and I decided to buy a vowel* last night, and it felt completely different, almost like how it felt when were buying vowels (ha!) for the first time and I would have a lot of fluid. We both noticed the difference. I really hope that there's something to this change in CM! I know it's really too much to hope for conceiving so quickly after surgery. I'm still sticking with the goal of just getting a period very soon, but it's so fun to think about, and a little hope never hurt anyone, right?

*Buying a vowel. I heard this term in a Facebook group. Someone's husband made a Wheel of Fortune joke related to how you chart intercourse using the Creigh.ton Model, and I absolutely loved it, surprised that my own corny husband didn't think of it first. I'm not a fan of DTD or more explicit language, so I think I just found my euphemism for, well, you know. :)